We all walk ancientrails. Welcome to the journey.

Day Two: Vacation

Written By: Charles - Jul• 17•20

Summer and the Moon of Justice

Friday gratefuls: Darkening. Longer nights. Rain. Cool weather. Tears. Kate, always Kate. Seoah yesterday on Kakao. Joe, too. Peak Windows. Black Mountain. My staycation. Murphy’s Smoke House. Amber. Time. New perspective. Space. Immanuel Kant. Philosophy. Gov. Polis’ finally orders masks. The waning of Trump’s influence on the Covid outbreak.

Day two of two weeks. I feel better already. Though. There was yesterday morning when I told Kate I was worried about her. About her dying. I was reluctant to say this out loud, but it was too hard to carry. And, she’s my confidant, my partner. My split apart. She’s also a doctor.

As I told her, I began to cry. Dabbing at my eyes. As tears will do, my heart got washed clean, held out there in the open between us. She admitted she’s not sure what to do right now either, but her medical knowledge makes her think the primary problem is inanition.*

The literal can produce the metaphorical and it has in her case. The feeding tube has kept her above 90 pounds, but not too far above 90. As a result, she’s weak and has little energy. Now this may sound bad. It is bad. But, it is fixable. We need to get her more calories. I nodded. Still pushing at my eyes with the palm of my hand.

Once I got that out, admitted my fear, or, not exactly fear, but my concern, and got her response, both as wife and physician, I saw a way forward. Felt better. Tears are windshield washer fluid for the soul. Things became more clear and I felt purified.

No doubt this concern, ladled on top of the soupy feelings occasioned by my visit to the urologist/oncologist, the oh this may be forever, this cancer, feeling led me to taking some time off, some time spent in different ways than I have been.

My goal during this time is to clear away obstacles to writing and painting, which feed me, and to finish several projects around the house: put up the 10 year smoke detectors, clean and organize the fireplace area, get Kate an organizer for her space, maybe clear out that closet downstairs. Stuff like that. Watch more movies. Read fiction. Relax.

In spite of how this may read I feel lighter, more excited about the day. My down time has begun to work.

*”Inanition describes a state of suffering from either a literal emptiness (of sustenance) or a metaphorical emptiness (of interest or energy). So it will probably come as no surprise to you to learn that the word ultimately derives from the same idea in Latin. “Inanition,” which first appeared in Middle English in the 14th century as “in-anisioun,” can be traced back to the Latin verb inanire, meaning “to make empty,” which in turn comes from “inanis” (meaning “empty” or “inane”). Incidentally, the English word inane was adopted in the mid-17th century directly from “inanis.”” Merriam-Webster

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