We all walk ancientrails. Welcome to the journey.

New Attitude

Written By: Charles - Oct• 15•20

Fall and the RBG Moon

Thursday gratefuls: Pressures perfect. A bruise on the inside of my left elbow. Blood draw. KFC. Once in a great while. Kate’s new I-pad. Her new wheelchair coming tomorrow. Shrimp, soba noodles, green beans amandine. 27 degrees. Dark, cloudy sky. American medicine. Sometimes. Joe Biden/Kamala Harris.

Quest diagnostics. An every three months visitation location. This PSA. That PSA. Trying for a new attitude. Cancer as a chronic disease. Terminal, yes, but possible to keep in a chemical cage, unable to do harm.

I wanted a cure. Wanted to be cured. Thought I might know with this PSA. The Lupron last injected in April. It has a three month half-life. That would mean October and its effects dissipated. Hot flashes infrequent now. Testosterone on the rise.

Without Lupron’s PSA suppression this blood draw would unmask the radiation’s effectiveness. The rising PSA was in February of 2019. The radiation June through August. 7 weeks. The Lupron’s work kept my PSA down and I had my first injection June 2019. Whatever work the radiation did could not be known until the Lupron was gone.

Do not know whether I did not pay attention or could not, but I understand now that I will be getting PSA draws for the rest of my life. As long as they show undetectable readings, I am cancer free. But. If the next quarterly draw shows a rise, it’s baaaaaacccckkkk.

This means I have to accept ambiguity, uncertainty. Tough. Even in the instance of another “recurrence” I will get put back on androgen deprivation therapy, Lupron. That should slow the cancer down enough that I will die of something else.

The new attitude entails living with this ambiguity. Accepting that this inner predator will not slip out of confinement. Or, best case, might now be a trophy head on Nova Cancer Care’s wall. Working on it.

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