Ostara and the Moon of Mourning
Tuesday gratefuls: Kate sitting on the bench, doing the crossword. Kate and her feeding tube. Kate writing I love Charlie for Sarah. Brahms. Mozart. Sarah. BJ. Annie. Joe, Seoah. Ruth, Gabe, Jon.
Sparks of Joy: August 18th gathering. Time alone with the dogs.
Off to the lawyer yesterday with Joe. Rich reviewed our trust documents and Kate’s will. Lincoln, Rich’s dog, made sure we were all comfortable. Though bittersweet it was good. Joe taking his place in the generational line. Not many issues. We avoided probate, sorta the point.
How are you doing? A compassionate question that stops me, makes me wonder. How am I doing? Sad. Tired. Relieved. Better rested. Waiting to move beyond grief. Afraid to move beyond grief. Not wanting to move beyond grief because it might mean I’ve forgotten Kate. Not wanting to not want to move beyond because I don’t want to get stuck. Short answer: not sure.
My guess: ok. I feel self-aware, privy to the emotions putting up sails. Not shrinking from them. Not indulging them. Being with them for the time it takes. That’s part of the exhaustion. It’s a lot of work. This is a one-time, forever change to the most intimate aspects of my life. No surprise it’s hard.
But the estate stuff is underway. Kate’s online prescription service notified. Friends and family all notified. Thank yous begun. New budget taking shape. Transfer of the IRA to my name underway. Taxes done. This month’s bills paid. Yahrzeit plaque purchase. In memory donations made to the Rabbi’s discretionary fund, the mitzvah committee, the chevra kadisha. This last is the group who sat with Kate’s body while it awaited cremation. Housesitter/petsitter organized. Tickets for Hawai’i secured. Dogs groomed. Vet appointments made.
There is, I’m told, a certain masking effect in all the busy details after a death. The mind hurries on to the next task, the next errand, skipping over the loss, the starting point. True, to some extent.
The hard part will come when the family is gone, the errands run, the day’s chores complete. When I’m alone, nothing particular to do. When Kate and I would sit and talk, play cribbage. Or, she would do the crossword and I would read the paper. I can feel my way into that space as I write and it doesn’t feel good. Maybe that’s anticipation and won’t be the reality. Better to not overthink, keep moving, find out at the time.
Joe’s getting the Rav4 spruced up. Taking the check to the synagogue. Has helped me put together a budge template. Being a good son. Seoah’s smiling, making the place buzz with her energy. Kep and Rigel lounge around, appreciative, too, I think, of all the extra bodies in the house.
The Sun shines. Black Mountain reaches its 10,000 feet toward the sky. Mule Deer and Elk have begun to follow the grass down. Kep and Rigel run in the yard, chasing critters or for fun. Life and the world continue. As it has always been.