Beltane and the waning Moon of Mourning (2%)
Monday gratefuls: Kate jumping up and down with our suitcases ready for the taxi. Kate and I eating in Pizzaro’s house in Lima, Peru. Kate hugging Ruth and Gabe on the steps of Chief Hosa lodge. Joe and Seoah, ready for me, for Mary. Murdoch.
Sparks of Joy: “Charlie guided Kate to her best self.” Sarah. Kate guided Charlie to his best self. Charlie.
Not going to switch the snowtires off today. Why? 8-16″ of snow predicted for this afternoon through tomorrow afternoon. I mean. Geez. Will do that after I get back, taking off the snowtires in July should be safe. I think. Also, I’m tired of errands out of the house. Need a stay home day.
Social security. Optum Rx. Verizon. Get started on thank-yous. Change dental insurance. Budget stuff. Make a few calls. Nap some more. Maybe even start packing. It’s been three years since I’ve traveled, maybe a bit more. A little rusty.
My spirits. A bit dull, though I laughed a lot with the Woollies and with Marilyn and Irv yesterday morning. Finished the material for Emily, the dog sitter, whom I’ll see for a second time on Wednesday.
Last night was a bit wakeful, with thoughts of Kate, tasks parading through on their own. Unbidden. I did get back to sleep, but feel tired this morning.
Two more days after today, then my version of shloshim will be complete. I like that it ends before I take off for Hawai’i. Means I can begin to focus on reintegration, life without Kate but with her memories and influence.
Have given little thought to my new life, won’t for a while. Perhaps some thoughts will come as I hike on Oahu, stroll on a beach, sleep at Joe and Seoah’s. OK if they don’t. I’m in no rush.
The only planning I’ve done, and that’s because people ask me, what will you do next, is to say, “I want to stay here (on Shadow Mountain) until Ruth graduates from high school in three years.” I know I’m less than a month away from Kate’s death so I add, “That’s what I’m thinking right now. It could change.”
My focus right now is, and has to be, very much in the present. There are still sequelae. There is getting ready to be gone for a month plus. There is settling into a life here in our house without her. Having all these details is good because it keeps me moving, keeps me centered.
I’m going back to the Mussar Vaad Practice group on Thursday. The first time in over a year. It will be in person for us vaccinated folk. Marilyn and I will drive over together. This is the sort of thing I’m going for right now, continuation. Doing things I’ve been doing, restarting with some of them, like MVP, staying with others like the Ancient Ones, the Clan diaspora Zoom sessions, time with Alan, caring for the dogs.
Hawai’i will be a caesura, a rest from most of this though the clan sessions and the Ancient Ones will continue. Maybe the Johnson/Olson family zoom, too. Of course, it will be a continuation with Joe, Seoah, Mary, Murdoch. And, Hawai’i. Island time.