Beltane and the Island Moon
Wednesday gratefuls: Poke salmon. Seaweed salad. Murdoch. Family. Oahu. Hickam AFB. Kate, always Kate. Coffee. Distant, but close friends. Flowers, Birds, Palm Trees. Time. Healing.
Sparks of joy and awe: The isolation of these Islands. Dreams.
Aishe! Gosh, in Korean. My dreams have been violent, scary. My shadow leaking through, scaring my ego. Doesn’t surprise me. As I slowly integrate Kate’s death, as the time passes, my defenses lower, and those emotions first in line push past the gate of dreams. A man with a gun shows up suddenly. Starts shooting. Another man wears knuckle dusters made of sharp seashell fragments. My old life will not survive these assaults, nor is it meant to.
The Islands lure me, as they have before. That alone causes the steady, mountain-bound Charlie to shudder, cringe. Kate and I wanted to move here in the late 90’s, around the time of our move to Andover. Too expensive. Not housing, but flights back and forth to the U.S. to see family, remain connected.
By myself I would not leave Shadow Mountain. If, however, Joe and Seoah decide to stay… Well.
No big decisions now. I know. And, I won’t make any. Just admitting what’s passing through my head and heart, affecting my dreams. I do have, though, a well established pattern of following my heart. First, to the northern climes I came to love through the literature of Jack London. They were what I hoped. Then to the Rocky Mountains to be close to Ruth and Gabe as they grew. They too have been what Kate and I hoped. Time must pass. Then, we’ll see.
In the Celtic Christian Church peregrinatio was a spiritual practice. A person would leave behind the familiar and become a wanderer, searching for the love of God. I have followed my heart toward climates and location that feel important to me. I don’t understand this fully, but it has to do with a link to place, a relationship with the land that invigorates and affirms my sense of self. Call it, maybe, the love of god?
Aside from the dreamy bullets and fists, last night was peaceful, good sleep. Up and down. Grief. Takes its bites out of you at unexpected moments.
Discovered yesterday that the big chunk of cash I’d expected to come into my bank account electronically arrived on Shadow Mountain by check. The day I left. So it will be there waiting when I return. Something to look forward to.
Back to working out. Feels great. Also shifting, at least trying to shift, my diet to less red meat, more fish, fowl, pork, veggies, and fruit. Easier here with poke sold in the grocery store. Sushi, too. Changing life long habits is not easy, especially at 74. You can lead an old dog to water, but you can’t make him drink. Or, something like that.
Off to find a yoga mat, sweats, a sweat shirt, and a pair of in-house sneakers. No outside shoes allowed inside. Korean rules. Enforced by Seoah. So, I’ll comply.