Ashes

Beltane and the Shadow Mountain Moon

Saturday gratefuls: Cool trades. Flowers lying in the grass, fallen from the tree. Birds, creatures of two realms, some three. This Cattle Egret. That Brazilian Cardinal. Heat in Colorado. Fire danger. Hawai’i. Words. Letters. Language. The mind, consciousness. Whatever they are. Kate, always Kate.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Oh, that rising up feeling.

Two months ago. Kate died. I’ll stop counting, sometime. Not now, I see. Life altered for me beyond description. How do you say the void? Yet. Also altered within this world. Saying our when I have to mean mine. Those new checks with Olson-Buckman-Ellis Trust. Flying alone. Leaving the house for 5 weeks. Being in Hawai’i. No Kate to come home to. Caregiving finished. I’m a memory keeper now. Yet, too. Life shifting, knowing loss, living forward. In the moment.

Found myself again in the Hebrew class yesterday. I read Messianic Times. Jamie said, “Fabulous! You should try to get that published.” It will appear in the Shofar. Enough for me. That and the praise of the others. Oh, yeah. That’s me. A poet. A writer. A theologian. A mystic. A monk. Still. A shift from mourner to widower. Grieving not done, maybe never done. I loved her. But mourning, the pain and the sorrow. No longer dominant. The Sun rising.

The boy. A man. Loving me as he does. Seoah. Loving me as she does. Mary, too. Accepting that, receiving it. Bathing in it. Returning it. This is the magical fire, the blue flame in which one can sit. Purification. Salvation. As in Congregation Beth Evergreen: Alan, Jamie, Marilyn, Tara, Ron, Rich. The others. As with those old friends, the Ancient Ones on a Sunday morning.

The fire of the Phoenix. Old me, the one married to Kate, turned to ash. Spread by fingers on the new ones forehead. Not gone, never gone, but then. Not now. Shuddering up from the embers, shaking my new wings. Yes.

Reimaging. Reimagining. Reconstructing. Right. Now.

Heading out with Joe to help a friend of his move into a new house. Will get to Chinatown tomorrow. A Buddhist temple today. Pearl Harbor and the Arizona. All this weekend. The North Shore. Nu’uanu Overlook next week. Some tourist things.

Excited.This is, after all, Hawai’i.

This entry was posted in Family, Feelings, Hebrew, Poetry, Reimagine. Reconstruct. Reenchant., Third Phase, Travel, Weather +Climate. Bookmark the permalink.

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