Summer and the Shadow Moon
Sunday gratefuls: Zoom. The Ancient Ones. Rain. Yet more. 43. Kep and Rigel. Alan. The Bread Lounge. Evergreen. Walgreens. A good start on pruning. The new laptop. Good sleep.
Sparks of Joy and Awe: A rainy few days. Kate, whose memory is a blessing.
Upon a person’s death within the Jewish community, a frequent phrase shows up: May his/her memory be for a blessing. I’ve seen it so often I thought it generic. Might be in some cases, but I’ve found a meaning for it I hadn’t expected.
A major turn in my grieving came when Kate’s memory changed from a trigger for pain, anguish to a blessing. As it is now. When I remember her, Lev Kate, the Kate of my heart/mind, a small smile comes. Not a tear.
Tears haven’t disappeared. No. But they squeeze out much less. Despair has gone. Anguish, too. I’ve taken to calling those mourning. The more intense feelings.
Grieving will last. I will always miss Kate as I do my mother. Grieving in its early stages, as I’ve begun to understand it, helps us acknowledge our loss in powerful ways. Yes, this death means a lot to me. Not an oh, well moment. Mourning.
Grieving in all its stages acknowledges loss, but the later acknowledgments can be for a blessing. When they are, at least it seems so to me, we move from mourning to a new state in which the loved ones takes up permanent occupancy in our Lev.
This intermediate stage, still fresh, came while I stayed in Hawai’i. Rested, better fed, no direct responsibilities. I slept better. Talked out those last days, the days after. Exercised. Until I injured my right leg.
Spent time with Mary, Seoah, Joe. Murdoch. Saw some of Oahu. Fell in love with Hawai’i again. Tried on various scenarios for the future. Held them lightly. But took them seriously. Helped in moving me into this new phase.
I don’t know where I go from here. Not yet. Maybe not for some time. I said I’d give myself a year and that feels right. No big, final decisions until 2022.
Pruning. Yes. Getting flexible, nimble. In the body as well as the spirit. Tend to my health, get strong again. Build some rhythm back into my weeks and months. Take trips here in Colorado. Read more.