Summer and the Moon of Lughnasa
Tuesday gratefuls: Ruth. Gabe. Jon. Pruning. Proceeding. Oyama, sushi. Shadow Mountain. My foundation. Hawai’i. Joe. Seoah. Mary and Diane. Mark. Allergies. Pollen. Kate expressed in her jewelry, her clothing, her stash, her tools for quilting and sewing.
Sparks of Joy and Awe: The growth of children. Dogs sticking their heads out of vehicle windows.
Tarot: The Emperor, #4 of the Major Arcana
Friend Tom Crane found this perfect expression of the state of my grief:
by W.S. Merwin
Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.
Apropos. So much thread, so many needles, so many colorful pieces of fabric. Three sewing machines. Kate as a thread in the needle of my life. Oh, yes. No action is without her influence, her touch, her memory. In Kate’s instance? Green thread. The thread of plant leaves, of Iris stalks, of Hosta, of Lodgepole Pine needles. The color of the Great Work, creating a sustainable human presence on this earth.
She created quilts, wall hangings, shirts, healthy children, loving grandchildren. All with the quiet intelligence, the empathy, the wry humor, the keen ear I loved in her. I am proud to carry her memory forward, to dye the remainder of my life green in her honor.
What a woman.
More p.t. with Rebecca. She’s quick, helpful, supportive. She’s modified my workout, suggested three 10 minute hikes a week, massaged my I.T. band. “I think we’ve found the culprit,” she said. Ouch. Yep. Must be it.
Working out is important to self-worth. When I work out, I honor my body, my daily needs for strength, agility, flexibility. And, I feel strong. When I neglect it, I feel irresponsible and therefore weaker.
With reasonable justification my life has grown chaotic, arrhythmic. Grief disorders the self, its way. Searches down this path and that one, trying to find a new way, one fitting the drastic reality of death, yet sustaining life. Looking for the greenway that would keep Kate’s concerns alive in my life, fold them into my future.
The living room has Kate’s clothes hung up, packed in bags, bag bulging with shoes, t-shirts, pants, socks, shorts. Downstairs Ruth has sorted through the jewelry, taken what she and Gabe want, left behind items I can donate. Out in the sewing room the two piles: Ruth’s and the Patchworkers will get sorted today. Final decisions made.
Ruth has agreed to get the t-shirts underway, the Love is Enough t-shirts I’m having made for August 18th, Kate’s 77th birthday. She’ll get it done. Tan, she thinks. With the screen print of the counted cross stitch on the back and Love is Enough as a single line of the front.
The 18th’s schedule has to change now. Ruth and Gabe discovered last week that the 18th is their first day of school. The first day of in-person school for Ruth in over a year. Missing the first day is not really an option though we’re hopeful they can get out early. I’ve got to sit down and look at the plan, change it to accommodate both their schedule and those coming from far away.
Ruth, Gabe, and I had dinner last night at Oyama, a sushi place in Aspen Park. Tasty, but pricey. I love having the kids here. They’re new, fresh, innocent. And, family.
The Emperor card. Recognizes the unstable, uncertain, yet transformative life I have. Reminds me that I need to claim my power, refocus my energy, put some order back. And, that I have adequate, more than adequate, personal resources. An inflection of confidence.
*”The Emperor can signify a need for more structure, disciple, and systems. This is especially true if you are experiencing issues from a lack of self-discipline in your life. Take responsibility for things that have been neglected. We tend to think of discipline as a form of punishment. Instead, reframe it as an act of self-love and self-care. Draw on images of benevolent father-figure archetypes to visualize positive discipline.” tarotluv
*”The Emperor, in his positive aspect, symbolizes law, structure, order, stability, financial viability through budgeting and planning, disciplined relationships, being well-organized and realistic about your life. He stands for the concrete actions you take, the tangible results you receive, and the visible signs of success you achieve.” Kasamba