Lughnasa and the Chesed Moon
Sunday gratefuls: Joseph. Mary. Seoah. Murdoch. The t-shirts. Love is enough. Cool. Rigel and Kep. Visit with Eigner. PSA. Cancer. The fan. Shortness of breath. My inner world, at peace, waiting. Kate, always Kate. The memory of her. Her presence. Her 77th birthday and those committed to its celebration, here and there.
Sparks of Joy and Awe: Prostate Cancer
Tarot: The Hanged Man. #12 in the major arcana
Jon cooked breakfast yesterday. Sous chefs Ruthie and Gabe chopped, cleaned, plated. Omelettes. Peppers of many kinds, parmesan cheese, bacon, hash browns. Sourdough toast from the Bread Lounge. Tasty. Always nice when someone else cooks and cleans up.
They stayed up Friday night, enjoying the cool Mountain air and the grandpop home. Dogs and me, too. Ruth put up her hammock out in the back between two Lodgepoles. She lounged out there, a Jewish Colorado cowgirl on the Mountaintop.
Jude let his Dogs out and we’re having a Sunday morning baying across the fence session. Lotsa barking, excited. Happy. Would have been a problem with no fence. Good fences make good Doggies.
Joe and Seoah decided it wasn’t a good time for Joe to travel. The Delta variant has begun a wholesale run on Oahu, making Hawai’ians and Seoah very nervous. They came when I most needed them, Seoah came three different times. And, she got stuck here. That was one of their concerns. Hawai’i can be tough to enter and Joe being stuck here, given his job, would not be good.
I’ll miss him, of course. Mostly just seeing him, but I also had some work in the house, mostly furniture moving, some small repairs that will have to find another solution now. NBD.
Mary and BJ arrive on Tuesday. Diane, Sarah, and Joe have chosen not take chances with the Delta variant. I urged everybody to do what felt safe for them. Kate’s memory would not be served by somebody getting sick or transmitting the variant to someone else.
I imagine we’ll do another time next year, maybe at Kate’s yahrzeit on April 12th, or, again, on August 18th, 2022. That way those that could not make this year will have an in person moment, too.
Read this sentence from Tarotluv about the Hanged Man: “Often, this card will show up during a time where you must wait before answers reveal themselves.” I’d say the day before I see my oncologist visit with a new, high PSA is just that.
Probably an Axumin scan. Lupron. Plus, probably some other androgen deprivation agent. Depending on the Axumin results, more radiation. It’s apparent to me that I have an ornery version of prostate cancer. Not super aggressive, but one that doesn’t obliterate easily. Mortality stays present to me as a result.
Next month I’ll see my pulmonologist, find out more clearly what he meant when he said I would have to move from here eventually. Don’t want to. Also, don’t want to be an idiot.
2021. Worse than 2020 for me. Would not have said that was possible. Cheer up, things could be worse. I cheered up.
Joy and equanimity are still with me. Thanks in large part to mussar, the Mussar Vaad Practice group, Tarot, Ancient Ones, Alan, Chuang Tzu, the Great Wheel. I see nothing ahead that is not normal. I see no future where I pass over into angst. Which is not to say that it all looks pleasant. Nope. Still, life. Pleasant, unpleasant. Happy, sad. Joyful, despairing. Yes. Coming in and going out, making each other known. Tasting each other.
“The Hanged Man can represent a period of limbo. More will be revealed, but for now, there’s a period of contemplation to endure. Often, this card will show up during a time where you must wait before answers reveal themselves. Sometimes it’s an uncomfortable position to be in. But, the Hanged Man’s relaxed manner in the face of being turned upside down is a challenge to find a way to cope, maybe even enjoy, the process.
The Hanged Man will often ask you to reconcile your anxieties related to uncertainty. Allow things to take their natural course. You’ll arrive at your revelation in due time.
Similarly, this card can represent liminality: the state of being between two worlds. The tension between having one foot in and out of a situation. This is especially true if the transition hinges on approvals or processes outside of your control. Weather this uncertainty with grace and surrender. The outcome for your highest good will manifest for you.
Surrender and grace are at the heart of the Hanged Man’s energy. Just because it feels difficult, doesn’t mean anything is wrong. There are new insights and lessons to be learned as you endure this phase.”