The Wheel, turning, transforming

Fall and the Moon of the Thinned Veil

Saturday gratefuls: Tree of Life. Kabbalah. Tarot. Astrology. All the woo woo. Yes, I’m melting…into it all. Weird, but good. Brian and Jodi. Blue Kitchen. Cabinets in 4 weeks, whole new kitchen by Christmas. Within my budget. Custom cabinets. Jon, Ruth, Gabe coming for roast chicken, mashed potatoes and the dogs. Me, too. Love.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Kate, my lovely, sweet Kate. Still walking with me.

Tarot: Ten of Cups, Druid



Still wondering at Joseph turning 40. 4.4 pounds when we picked him up at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport. In a wicker basket. With an equally small friend, Willy. Whose mom was, by random effect, a friend of mine and Raeone’s. Luann Neiberg. She died a couple of years ago. Our age. Willy and Joe stay in touch.

T-ball. Young Joe hitting the ball off the t. All the “infielders” running for the ball as Joseph ran around the bases. The Tree that served as our catcher in Irvine Park. Picking him up when he got his wisdom teeth out. Loopy and funny. Watching him run cross-country, race downhill and in slalom in the Winter. That college home work sheet on quantum mechanics. May as well have been Sanskrit to me. The wonderful, life changing moment of his marriage to SeoAh. Kate standing up with Seoah’s mom. Joseph, my beloved son. He and Seoah comforting me after Kate died.

Memories. Life as we recall it, mixed with its special sauce in the neurons and in our re-membering. Not life as it was, but life as we need it, needed it to be. Sweet. Bitter. Hard. Funny. Damning. Redeeming. Our story, ourselves.

Would like for these precious gifts to linger always. You know, a long tale of the life, my life, the one I chose and that chose me. All the dogs. All the friends. All the lovers. All the family. Well, most of the family. All the places and houses. Meals. All the tears and all the joy. Still bundled together in a neuronic home movie, accessible throughout the lifetime of the universe. And, beyond. Would like that, yes. I would.

My afterlife idea, for your consideration.

Gonna go right away to the Wheel, which I drew yesterday, and the Ten of Cups I drew this morning. Tens signal completion, or a beginning. Same same. In this case the ten of cups has ten earthenware jugs, cups set on a short table. Beyond and to the back of them a family sits together on a front step or porch, a Madonna like mother holds a naked infant while a young boy rests standing on his father’s knee. Behind the son’s head is a rainbow.

The suit of cups connects to the emotions, the fulfillment of family relations perhaps in this card. Its element is water, the flowing of the Mountain Stream, the placidity of a Pond, ripples on Lake Superior. The Water Way.

On the tree of life its world is Yetzirah, the world just above Assiyah, or the world of physical appearance. Ego and humility join forces in Yesod, the center of desire, sending the emanations into Malkut, the only sephira in Assiyah and the location of the female principle of the sacred, the Shekinah.

This card, the Ten of Cups, shows the beauty and abundance of animus/anima, yin/yang, male/female working together in healthy tension. A rainbow of energy and love. Jon, Ruth, and Gabe coming up today. Joe’s 40th tomorrow. Rigel loping toward 13. Kep toward 11. Me, 75 next Valentine’s Day. All this together. Family. Love. Abundance. Struggle. Bonded. Riding the Wheel of the Year together.

The Wheel, #10 of the Major Arcana, has these words in the Druid Craft book: You can see the patterns in your life and the wider patterns in the cycles of birth, life, death, and rebirth. Harvesting the seeds of destiny. The meaning: Trusting in the process of life. One season or cycle in your life may be coming to an end, and a new one beginning. Relax and release some of the control you exert in your life and relationships.

Grief never ends. But it can transform. Just as my mother, may her memory be for a blessing, now rests comfortably in my psyche, a source of mother love, compassion, creation, and creativity, so Kate has begun to do the same. When talking with Jamie about her Tuesday, sadness and tears lingered, not quite to the surface, but there, available if I needed a cleansing. Hardly ended. Yet also transformed from a focus on loss, to life, ongoing life. Malkut. While her soul journeys to Kieter and beyond, I’m still here.

When Brian and Jodi from Blue Mountain Kitchens came yesterday, helping me make decisions about cabinets, counter top, backsplash, lighting, I realized part of my reason for wanting to gut the kitchen was Kate. I pressed to get a remodeling done, more than I could have. She brought it in on time and under budget, but it was on the cheap and badly executed in spots. Plus, boring. Our fault together, but we never liked it. Todd, the contractor, became an epithet.

My life now. A change from Kate’s dead, what will I, what can I do? To. Remodel the kitchen. Put in mini-splits. Stain the house. Get a Hermit neon sign. Lean into Jon, Ruth, Gabe. Joe, Seoah. CBE. Ancient Ones. Stable finances. Regular exercise. New doctor and insurance plan. Reading more. Writing more. Painting more. Living on the Mountain, in the National Forest. With critters wild and domestic.

Continuing my life with Kate, without her physical presence. Living into her love, into my Self as she saw me. As I saw myself through her eyes. I can be that guy. Am being that guy.




This entry was posted in Cooking, Dogs, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Great Wheel, Hawai'i, Health, Judaism, Kabbalah, Memories, Mountains, Our Land and Home, Shadow Mountain, Tarot. Bookmark the permalink.

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