Reluctance

Beltane and the Beltane Moon

Grateful for timidity

 

A nocturnal note here before bed. Timidity. Has a negative connotation. Reluctance. Hesitancy. Resistance. Caution. Taking care.

“Oh. I’ve become so cautious. Covid. Suppressed immune system. Introversion. Downright timid. Not in love with this side of myself right now. I think. Travel! Then, I think t.r.a.v.e.l. with a pause and a wonder at each period. Money. Time away from my own bed. Meds. Kep with somebody else. What if I get sick? Oh. I don’t like this.” April 25th, 2022

Then again. Reading the Inner Work of Aging. Instead of timidity I may need to reframe this as sensible caution. I’m no longer 65. This appellation timidity may cover an unwillingness to admit the many insults I’ve had over the last few years. Cancer. Kate’s decline. Jon’s divorce. His long, long road to recovery. Doggy deaths. Hypothyroidism.

No longer the chainsaw and ax wielding guy I was when we moved here. And that’s ok. More than ok. It is who I am now. It means my reluctance has referents in my life. This does not mean I’m a prisoner of that reluctance, nor does it mean I’m timid. It means I’m facing the realities of my life situation. As it is.

Self-preservation. As long it is doesn’t devolve into death-denial, fear of annihilation, a natural human instinct. I embrace it.

This guy still wants adventure. Admires Ode’s road trip. Wants closer, calmer travel. Does not like plane travel. As I said before, unless Joe and Seoah are on the other end.

I’m writing this because it illustrates our tendency to become ageist even against ourselves, using what we view as a preferable past state as a negative point of comparison for our current one.

This is self-defeating over time. As we age, we lose capacity, get sick, require help. And we will be ok even then. Unless. We wish for what was, instead of accepting what is.

This is not give-up. This is not retiring from life. This is oh, I’m older now and this is happening. How can I respond to it as I am now, not as I wish was now. The Water course way.

This entry was posted in Aging, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Health, Memories, Shadow Mountain, Travel. Bookmark the permalink.

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