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Beltane and the Beltane Moon

Thursday/Friday gratefuls: MVP. CBE. Cook’s venture chickens. Rommertopf. Moist roast chicken. With leeks, potatoes, carrots, celery, kale. Cheese curds with nuts and dried fruit. My contribution to MVP. Shleimut. Wholeness. Integrity. Middah of the month. Diane. Redwoods. See’s candy. Mussar. Sleep.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Redwoods

Tarot: Ace of Bows, spark of life

 

Wow. Forgot this yesterday. Very, very uncommon. Not a busy day either. Started late after my zoom call with Diane. Went down for some breakfast/lunch, never got back. Mussar. Then tired.

It has been a tough week in this regard. Acting class on Monday night. Dinner at Robbie’s on Tuesday. MVP mussar Wednesday night. That’s way more evening time away from home than normal for me.

Still feeling off my sleep routine. I avoid night time meetings, services for this reason. And, tomorrow I’m going to the Beatles shabbat because my friend Luke will perform. Saturday will be tough, too. This is two months after starting levothyroxine. Another blood test will help refine my dose. I suspect I’ll need a bump up from the starting dose. Doesn’t feel like I should be this tired.

 

Traveling alone. Realized the other day that I’m traveling alone now. No more Kate by my side, my partner. I’ve done a lot of traveling alone and I thrive doing it, but it’s a different experience that having a companion. Though I would love to have Kate back, I’m not finding any spark of interest in finding a new companion, a lover. She was a one-off, a unique fit for me, unrepeatable. Soul mate. Even though overused, it describes Kate and me.

Not lonely, alone. In the Hermitage with Herme. Kep. Books. The kitchen. The common room. My lower level. My loft. The monk in me. Yes.

Enjoy people, sure. Not a misanthrope. An introvert. Quieter. Even more. I imagine my lowered energy level also has something to do with it.

Not running out the clock. Still walking several others home, as they are for me. Ram Dass idea. Still loving life. Learning. The Lodgepoles. The Aspen. The Fox. The Bears. The Mule Deer and the Wapiti. The Mountain Streams. The Mountains. Taoism. Trees. Chi. Ohr. Meditation. Art. Fiction. Aging. Books. Games.

Thought I would want to find a new person for an intimate relationship, a little surprised I don’t. Not saying it couldn’t happen, but I’m not in a seeking mode as I was when I found Kate. Not even in a wanting to seek mode.

Does that seem weird? Not about honoring Kate. I know she’s dead and I know what that means. I also know she would want me to do what I need to do, to be happy. A canard, yes, but I’m sure of it.

Thing is. I am happy. And, more important for me, satisfied with this life, this Colorado life. I have family, friends, intellectual stimulation, my Ancient Brothers, Kep, Shadow Mountain Home. Joe and Seoah are ready to catch me if I fall. Literally or figuratively. I’m financially secure. Healthiesh. Mentally competent.

Wondering out loud.

 

Have not done a life review as Connie Zweig suggests in her The Inner Work of Aging. She has several good ideas and over the next few weeks I’m going to try them all. The Ira Progroff workshops do a life review of sorts in its Steppingstone exercises, but not the focused whole life scan that Zweig suggests.

 

This entry was posted in Aging, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Health, Judaism, Mountains, Mussar, Shadow Mountain, Tarot. Bookmark the permalink.

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