Hold tight. This is a tough one.

Beltane and the Beltane Moon

Tuesday gratefuls: Deb. Acting Class. Somatic memory technique. Oscar and Felix. Tal. Hamish. Terence. Jill. Rock of Ages. Neo-Futurists. Crazy weather. 80 degrees last Thursday. 15-16 inches of Snow on Friday into Saturday. At least a half inch of Rain plus three or four inches of heavy, wet Snow over last night. Go, Precipitation! Alan. Kep, so happy I came home. Sourdough bread. Bread Lounge.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Snow, Rain. Wet.

 

Labs are back already. TSH still high. Now my cholesterol is getting out of whack. After I’ve cut way back on red meat, hardly any, upped my statin dose by double. Pretty sure it’s the chemo. Not sure where this goes from here. Trust your doctors. Among Kate’s last advice to me. I’m trying sweetheart, I’m trying. These are not the labs I want or expected.

Will keep you posted.

Feel like my health has begun to spiral out of my control and I don’t like the feeling. Duh. Hope between Kristan and Kristie, what’s with those names, eh, we can tamp down whatever the hell is going on.

Health. Bah, humbug. At another level or from another perspective, so what? We all have to die of something. As I said a couple of posts ago, I’m not eager to die, but I’m not afraid of it either.

OK. Enough of that. I’m doing what I can. As for the rest, it will be what it will be.

 

Gonna do one thread of my life review today. See where that takes me.

 

All right. OK. I’m feeling a hit. Caught between medicine I need to stay alive and its impact on my health. Not an unusual spot of cancer patients, but when it’s your spot? Feels more acute.

I’m really, really not afraid. More frustrated. Sad. A little angry.

Since Saturday though I’ve also been having this feeling that I want to be around people that really love me. Like I loved Kate. That sort of love. Joe and Seoah for sure. But their life is so transient and so faraway.

Difficult for me because I’m still an introvert, still love Shadow Mountain, still love my friends and my life here. It’s just that when I face real difficulty, like with the family situation I mentioned, or with medical issues ginning up problems, well…

It would be nice to sink into the arms of someone who loves me. Not possible right now. Damn it. Another facet of grief. Turned toward me this time rather than toward Kate.

I may not publish this. Feels vulnerable even for me.

 

 

 

 

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