Better Today

Beltane and the Beltane Moon

art@willwordsworth

Wednesday gratefuls: Wednesday. Shirley Waste. Yet more snow and rain. 28 degrees this morning. Memorial Day weekend. Mom and Dad, both vets of WWII. Wet Snow on the Lodgepoles and the Aspens. Black Mountain white against blue Sky. Astrology. Sort of. Moon in Scorpio. Docs. Trust. Diseases. Old age.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Kep

Tarot: Ten of Bows, responsibility

“To tackle the challenges that come with responsibility here requires resilience, endurance, and assertiveness. The burden may be overwhelming and disordered, but the task given to you is aiming for a good, great goal, not only for yourself but also for your family or tribe.” tarotx.net

 

Better today. Looked at my labs yesterday, then wrote that downer of a post. Maybe I shouldn’t post in the immediate aftermath. Or, not. Truth is truth and I aim to strip away my veneer, leave the inside outside.

As I processed further, I realized first I needed to connect with my docs. Get their opinions. Trust my docs. I do. Trust them. E-mails out to both. Nothing urgent. Important and significant yes. Calling for some kind of change, yes. But not urgent. Once I sent off those messages I felt lighter.

That cleared my way to seeing the main issue hiding behind what might have appeared to be a reaction to my health. And felt like it at the time.

A family member requires more support, more care, even more empathy than I can bring to bear. Perhaps more targeted psychological or psychiatric care. This family member drains me and is a person I would cut out of my life if I could. But I don’t know how.

This led me to feel bereft. Needing support and love of a familial kind, but unable to find it close by. No, worse. Close by takes energy, creates a problem. Every. Damned. Time. That was the wound. The medical stuff? Meh. I don’t like it, but I know how to take the next steps and trust the advisors I have to help me with it.

The medical stuff got amplified, puffed up when I realized what could be a main source of support would actually drag me down. This is on me. I keep hoping for a relationship that will not emerge. Wishing for family that is close and supportive, seeing me as someone they love and want to actively care for at times.

Putting that hope away now. Will lean on my Ancient Brothers and CBE instead. Diane. Joe and Seoah when I can see them.

I’m admitting to a need for close, loving support. Not a big surprise since all of us need that. Just finding it difficult to locate. Especially since I’m not looking for a new partner. At all.

Open to ideas about this. As I said yesterday, I love my life, my home, my dog, my friends and most of my family. That one missing piece though. Really stood out as I went further into my feelings.

Enough.

 

I did go to the Bread Lounge, picked up my San Francisco Pullman loaf and had Chinook Salmon toast. Read Overstory. God, what a wonderful book. Trees. The wonder of them. And good story. No, great story.

When I put the bread on the passenger seat, I noticed a phone on the floor. Deb’s from Monday night. The weather was lousy from a human comfort point of view, a cold rain, so I’m not surprised she forgot it. Took it by her house on my way home.

Felt unsettled most of the day. Off. Until evening, then matters began to settle. I saw more clearly. Fine this morning.

Bare yesterday for a while. Clothed and happy today. The responsibilities that the ten of bows highlight are not with the tribe, but with myself. I have to keep carrying them, not fall into despair. And, I can do that.

 

 

This entry was posted in Dogs, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Health, Judaism, Shadow Mountain, Tarot. Bookmark the permalink.

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