Summer and the Aloha Moon
Friday gratefuls: A History of Anglo-Saxon England. Fatigue. Self-doubt. A dash of anguish. Bill Hill. A Colorado Blue Sky. Ragged bits of Cumulus Clouds over Black Mountain. 48 degrees. 79% humidity. Go Weather, fight Wildfire! Kep and Susan. Rosh Chodesh. Honoring the new Moon. Art crawl on Santa Fe tonight. With Jon and the grandkids. Rilke. Stevens. Rumi.
Sparks of Joy and Awe: Letters, Words, Sentences, Poetry, Fiction
Tarot: Two of Vessels, Attraction
“The Two of Vessels Wildwood Tarot asks us: In your life, what is attracting your attention? Is it worthy of your attention or a distraction?
The water element. Acknowledge and trust your primal instincts. Let the flow of any emotional dynamic emerge naturally and flow freely and enable the healthy emotional cycle. Establish wellbeing and trust within any relationship.Trust our instincts in matters of the heart. Act with sincerity and positive motivation.” tarotx.net
Felt tired yesterday in the afternoon. The day, cool and rainy. My mind wandered toward melancholy. Living by myself, no one to counter my moods. That fall. Was it more than one anybody could have had? It is the second. And my body has only just healed from the last one. Am I being selfish staying by myself? Stubborn. Silly? Maybe it’s time to pull the trigger, sell the house, rent something in Osan to be close to Joe and Seoah. Am I dying? Has the cancer spread and begun to take over? And other cheery thoughts and feelings.
Oh, geez. Self-doubt is not a big part of my psyche though it’s there, as it is in most folks. My resolution to this melancholy? I will not give up on myself. This is a string of thought calculated by a gremlin of the soul, one wanting to take apart the foundational elements of my life, turn them against me. No.
If I’m dying and the cancer has spread, so what? We all die of something at some time. No life is forever and I love mine, all of it, the ugly and the beautiful. That concern drains away back to the swamp out of which it crawled.
The falls. Tennis shoes on icy snow on a slick surface. Nope, not an age related accident. A stupidity related accident. Tripping up the stairs. I had dishes in one hand and trash for recycling in the other. Juggling. My slipper hit the upper edge of the stair and I was unable to rebalance because my hands were full. Could have happened at 40.
The drumbeat of osteoporosis and bone weakening drugs was behind my scare. Referented. Yes. But it doesn’t change the fact that the fall had to do with my choices about carrying things rather than aging.
As for selling the house and moving to Korea? The time may well come. I hope I’ll be honest enough to know when it does. I think I will. But that time is not now. I have friends here and friends in Minnesota. I have family here and in Wisconsin and North Carolina and Idaho. And in Oklahoma. And, my acting career has just begun anew.
You’ll pry this house key from my cold dead hands. Not really, but I am committed to staying here as long as I can. I’m counting on those of you who read this to help me check myself if I wander out onto the plains of elderly denial. Not there yet. Not gonna be if I have anything to think about it.