A Meta Perspective

Samain and the Decided Moon (14% sliver)

Herme and me

Monday gratefuls: Cool nights. Electric blanket. Ninja Blender. Thanksgiving. Greg Lell. Painting. Living in the Mountains. Sun. Moon. Stars. Orion. Vega and Rigel. Kep and Gertie. Kate of blessed memory. Ruth. Gabe. Jen. Barb. Regina. Bill. The Ancient Brothers. A blessing. The Lodgepoles and their steadfastness. Shadow Mountain for its endurance, it’s height, it’s Rocky core. The Holy Valley and Kate’s Creek. Jon, a memory. Mary and Mark. Diane. All the dogs. Each one. Celt. Sorsha. Scot. Morgana. Tully. Tira. Tor. Orion. Bucky. Iris. Bridget. Emma. Hilo. Kona. Vega. Rigel. Kepler. Gertie. All Gardens and gardeners. All those who protect the Soil and nourish it.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Leaning into Shadow Mountain Home, the Hermitage


One facet of my decision to remain on Shadow Mountain I’ve not covered well. A feeling I had that I was fleeing toward safety, toward dependency. That tainted even Hawai’i as a spot to land. When I decided to stay here, the feeling vanished. Replaced by one of agency. Of living my life forward, not waiting for its inevitable fragility.

Not sure how I feel about this even now. I mean in a meta way. Yes, the feeling of agency is real just as the feeling of vulnerability expressed as a flight toward safety, dependency was real. When I get in my personal drone and fly up a few feet to look at both feelings at the same time, I wonder. Is the sense of agency a cover for denial? Or, is it so important that it trumps even the possibility of needing help?

I do want to live close to Joe and Seoah. They love me and I love them. I will age further and it’s likely I will at some point need care, maybe even the kind of intensive care I gave to Kate. Likely but not certain. I could drop dead. Good for me. Sad for others.

The real decision I’ve made is to stay here until they decide on a place to retire from the military. If Joe leaves the Air Force after his four years in Korea, they plan to retire to Hawai’i and I would then sell the house and move to Hawai’i. Either in an ohana unit or in a place of my own somewhere near them.

This allows me to remain in a spot I love with now long time friends until I’m 80. 80. And then make what would be a final move for me to be near family. Right now I’m fit and able. I’ve figured out ways to soften the home care burden. I work out regularly, eat a much better diet than I ever have, and have a great medical team. The grandkids are here. So is CBE. And, perhaps most important for me. The Mountains. With the internet and online ordering, grocery store pickup or delivery, online banking I can handle the necessaries of life with relative ease.

My life is rich in people, place, and learning. A move later to Hawai’i would be the same. I guess the sense of agency does have more power for me. Whether that’s sensible or not, I can’t say.

This entry was posted in Aging, Dogs, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Hawai'i, Health, Hermitage, Judaism, Mountains, Shadow Mountain, The Move, Weather +Climate. Bookmark the permalink.

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