{"id":34167,"date":"2016-01-31T16:28:37","date_gmt":"2016-01-31T22:28:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ancientrails.com\/?p=34167"},"modified":"2016-04-28T14:12:25","modified_gmt":"2016-04-28T20:12:25","slug":"the-onion-again","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ancientrails.com\/?p=34167","title":{"rendered":"The Onion. Again."},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Yule \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Stock Show Moon<\/p>\n<h1>Clinton Ominously Tells Iowan Supporters To Mark Front Doors With Campaign Logo Before Sundown<\/h1>\n<div class=\"content-masthead\">\n<figure class=\"content-image on-trigger-overlay\">\n<div class=\"image\" data-type=\"image\" data-image-id=\"52572\" data-rendered=\"true\"><\/div>\n<\/figure>\n<div class=\"on-overlay on-overlay-scale\"><button class=\"on-overlay-close\" type=\"button\"><\/button><\/p>\n<figure class=\"content-image\">\n<div class=\"image\" data-type=\"image\" data-image-id=\"52572\" data-rendered=\"true\"><\/div>\n<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"content-meta small-thing\">\n<div><a class=\"content-type\" href=\"http:\/\/www.theonion.com\/features\/news-in-brief\" data-track-category=\"Article\" data-track-action=\"Meta: Feature Type\" data-track-label=\"\/search?tags=\">NEWS IN BRIEF<\/a><span class=\"content-published\">January 31, 2016<\/span><\/div>\n<div><span class=\"content-issue\"><a href=\"http:\/\/www.theonion.com\/issue\/5203\/\" data-track-category=\"Article\" data-track-action=\"Meta: Issue\" data-track-label=\"\/issue\/5203\/\">VOL 52 ISSUE 03 <\/a>\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><span class=\"content-tags\"><a href=\"http:\/\/www.theonion.com\/tag\/politics\" data-track-category=\"Article\" data-track-action=\"Meta: Tags\" data-track-label=\"\/tag\/politics\">Politics <\/a><span class=\"bul\">\u00b7<\/span> <a href=\"http:\/\/www.theonion.com\/tag\/politicians\" data-track-category=\"Article\" data-track-action=\"Meta: Tags\" data-track-label=\"\/tag\/politicians\">Politicians <\/a><span class=\"bul\">\u00b7<\/span><a href=\"http:\/\/www.theonion.com\/tag\/hillary-clinton\" data-track-category=\"Article\" data-track-action=\"Meta: Tags\" data-track-label=\"\/tag\/hillary-clinton\">Hillary Clinton <\/a><span class=\"bul\">\u00b7<\/span><a href=\"http:\/\/www.theonion.com\/tag\/election-2016\" data-track-category=\"Article\" data-track-action=\"Meta: Tags\" data-track-label=\"\/tag\/election-2016\">Election 2016<\/a><\/span><\/div>\n<div class=\"dfp dfp-slot-article-button\" data-ad-unit=\"article-button\" data-targeting=\"{&quot;dfp_pagetype&quot;: &quot;article&quot;, &quot;dfp_content_id&quot;: 52265}\"><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"large-thing content-main\">\n<div class=\"content-text\">\n<p>DES MOINES, IA\u2014Declaring that all voting-age citizens who took the measures would be spared, Hillary Clinton ominously instructed her supporters throughout Iowa to mark their front doors with her campaign logo before sundown, sources confirmed Sunday. \u201cAll those residing in Iowa take heed: Your home shall bear the mark of my campaign this eve, or may God help you,\u201d said the Democratic candidate after dispatching a phalanx of campaign staffers to all four corners of the state to spread the message of her directive. \u201cBe within your dwellings with the doors closed and locked before nightfall, and do not cross the threshold before the sun rises again in the sky. The emblem of the red-and-blue H will protect my true voters.\u201d At press time, Clinton issued a statement ordering all Iowan supporters who remain on Monday morning to bring forth their progeny between 18 and 34 years of age to the polls.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Yule \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Stock Show Moon Clinton Ominously Tells Iowan Supporters To Mark Front Doors With Campaign &hellip; <a href=\"https:\/\/www.ancientrails.com\/?p=34167\" class=\"more-link\">Continue reading <span class=\"screen-reader-text\">The Onion. Again.<\/span> <span class=\"meta-nav\">&rarr;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1979,100],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-34167","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","category-politics"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ancientrails.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34167","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ancientrails.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ancientrails.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ancientrails.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ancientrails.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=34167"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.ancientrails.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34167\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":35105,"href":"https:\/\/www.ancientrails.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34167\/revisions\/35105"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ancientrails.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=34167"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ancientrails.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=34167"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ancientrails.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=34167"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}