{"id":54285,"date":"2021-09-26T08:44:29","date_gmt":"2021-09-26T14:44:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ancientrails.com\/?p=54285"},"modified":"2021-09-26T08:47:51","modified_gmt":"2021-09-26T14:47:51","slug":"i-think-im-alone-now","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ancientrails.com\/?p=54285","title":{"rendered":"I Think I’m Alone Now"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"
fogwalking<\/a>: Nicoletta Bruma.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Fall and the Michaelmas Moon<\/p>\n

Sunday gratefuls: Hit and Run, Netflix. Sourdough toast. The freezer. Ruth at her first homecoming dance. Jon, Gabe, Sarah, BJ. Zooming. Jon’s antifungal meds. George Will. Whatta mind. Eggs at 8 pm last night. Max. All the babies, the true Replacements. Shelf pruning in the bedroom almost finished.<\/p>\n

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Fall.<\/p>\n

Tarot: The Lady, #3 of the Major Arcana. Again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"Moments. Decided to cook myself fried eggs last night about 8 pm. As I stood there waiting to turn them over, I had a sudden feeling of lonliness, of aloneness. I could cook myself dinner (breakfast?) late because I live alone. Oh, yeah. So I do. Without. Kate.<\/p>\n

Grief seems more insistent. Rigel barks upstairs each evening. I think she wants Kate to come down and go to bed. Sometimes Rigel paces. Into the bedroom, around the coffee table, upstairs, back down into the bedroom.<\/p>\n

Thought about equanimity practice. Name the context. Name the feeling(s). Choose whether to experience them.<\/p>\n

\"\"Realized I’d zoomed with Sarah, BJ, Jon, and Gabe at 4. Oh. Yes. Churning the still soft soil of Kate’s life. So. Aloneness. A twinge of sadness. Real. True to my situation. I lived into it a minute, got out my spatula, turned the eggs over, waited. Plated them and had a late, quirky meal.<\/p>\n

Also. wearing out toward the afternoon. One guy said, in essence, “No T, no energy.” Maybe. This feels like more. I’ll have a better idea this week.<\/p>\n

Blood draw on Monday. PSA. Testosterone. A blood panel. A metabolic panel. I see Kristie on Friday. Orgovyx can raise blood sugar and triglycerides. In addition to hot flashes and fatigue.<\/p>\n

Ordinary life now with the manageable cancer. The good cancer. Though from my perspective? Still cancer.<\/p>\n

\"\"Once in a while I brush my left hip with my hand. Think of those prostate cancer cells in the lymph nodes. Weird having a predator living inside your body. Not a great feeling.<\/p>\n

Oh, dude. Painting with the gloomy brush here, eh? Nah. Life and its permutations. Mine for now.<\/p>\n

The news happens outside my awareness right now. Even though I read the Denver Post, the NYT, and the Washington Post each day. Not sticking. Like the Teflon Don, that crucial information slides right off.<\/p>\n

\"\"
A Mountain Path in Spring, Ma Yuan, Song Dynasty<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Cancer. Grief. New life aborning. Tend to push attention inward, away from the blooming buzzing confusion. (W. James) Down into the realm of the Tarot, Kabbalah, the Ocean of our collectivity.<\/p>\n

Again. OK. Not permanent, nor would I want it to be.<\/p>\n

Agency is critical to life. Right now, my agency has an inward, personal bent. Makes sense to me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Tarot: The Lady, # 3 of the major arcana<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Fall and the Michaelmas Moon Sunday gratefuls: Hit and Run, Netflix. Sourdough toast. The freezer. Ruth at her first homecoming dance. Jon, Gabe, Sarah, BJ. Zooming. Jon’s antifungal meds. George Will. Whatta mind. Eggs at 8 pm last night. Max. All the babies, the true Replacements. Shelf pruning in the bedroom almost finished. Sparks of … Continue reading I Think I’m Alone Now<\/span> →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[65,3967,4394,127,4383,100,4317,4393,1885],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-54285","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-family","category-feelings-2","category-fourth-phase","category-health","category-kabbalah","category-politics","category-shadow-mountain","category-tarot","category-us-history"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ancientrails.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/54285","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ancientrails.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ancientrails.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ancientrails.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ancientrails.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=54285"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.ancientrails.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/54285\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":54289,"href":"https:\/\/www.ancientrails.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/54285\/revisions\/54289"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ancientrails.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=54285"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ancientrails.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=54285"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ancientrails.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=54285"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}