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<\/a>Kavannah: Groundedness. Yesod.\u00a0 \u00a0 Yesod is about establishing oneself in reality, refusing to rely on comfortable illusions.<\/p>\nTarot: Four of Vessels, Boredom.\u00a0 A current difficulty. Cancer thoughts+Fatigue+Back pain=low mental energy. Not boredom, but lassitude, a close relative.<\/p>\n
One brief shining: Another whap across the forehead. Increased metastatic disease. Latest PET scan. So many tests. Medworld can consume life, spreading beyond its confines and colonizing the day-to-day. I don’t want that.<\/p>\n
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The steady, slow beat. Since last May.<\/p>\n
With five diagnostic procedures in less than two weeks, their reports, it is as if I live in Medworld.<\/p>\n
Medworld is not the day-to-day world. It’s a world of white coats, big parking lots, expensive machines. A world dominated by regimented time: show up a half-an-hour early.<\/p>\n
Hallmarks of big science. Sophisticated, intricate machines.\u00a0 Acolytes of the white coats to run them. Take off your shirt. Any metal in your pockets? Lift your legs.<\/p>\n
Followed by the abstruse report:\u00a0Widespread osseous metastatic disease is substantially worsened from 1\/28\/2026, with numerous new lesions identified. Means, uh-oh.<\/p>\n
Turning, turning this new information. Wondering, again, about dying. About new treatments. How will I respond to them?\u00a0 The critical factor at this point. Moments. Projections. Moving away from today toward a bed-ridden, supportive-oxygen dependent patient. Loss of agency. Who will be by my side?<\/p>\n
Winching myself, one ratchet at a time, back. To the present. Where I have no bone pain. Where I am weak, yet mobile. Where I can still write. Where I live my non-Medworld life.<\/p>\n
Stuck. Sometimes. Forgetting that Medworld supports, is only adjacent to: walks in my backyard. Making supper. Laughing with the Ancient Brothers.<\/p>\n
I push it back. Not repressing. Rather. Putting those thoughts in Medworld where they belong. Why? Medworld can only slow the coming of the scythe, not prevent it. As a doctor on NPR said, “The death rate for each generation is still 100%.”<\/p>\n
Writing. Friends and family. Marriage. Death. Episodes of a life. The final days for me are not yet.<\/p>\n
Only one episode.<\/p>\n
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Imbolc and the Moon of Tides Friday gratefuls: Scans. Their news. Wind, speaking. Tara. Jordan. Aorta. Prostate cancer. Trump. Iran. Mark. Mary. Rene Good. Alex Pretti. Say their names. Sparks of Joy and Awe:\u00a0 Writing Kavannah: Groundedness. Yesod.\u00a0 \u00a0 Yesod is about establishing oneself in reality, refusing to rely on comfortable illusions. Tarot: Four … Continue reading Medworld<\/span>