Spring and the Moon of Liberation<\/p>\n
Shabbat gratefuls: Shadow beside me. Artemis mine. Artemis II. Exploration. Living. Ruth at 20. David. Gabe. Jesse. Cancer.<\/p>\n
Rene Good. Alex Pretti. Say their names.<\/p>\n
Sparks of Joy and Awe: Ruth<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Kavannah: Hakarat Hatov.\u00a0 Gratitude.\u00a0 “Who is rich? Those who rejoice in their own portion.” Pirkei Avot (4:1)<\/p>\n
Tarot: paused<\/p>\n
One brief shining: Found my phone.\u00a0 Google led me to Luke’s parking lot. Emailed Luke. He found it.<\/p>\n
Like the relief of being added to the Actinium + ARPI arm.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
For a month and a half, like late October and November of last year, I’ve had consequential procedures, tests, visits with the oncologist. I get tired during these marathons.<\/p>\n
Most of these visits require my body. Bones cannot be scanned without the bones.<\/p>\n
Good data. Key decisions demand it. The impact on me? Mine alone.<\/p>\n
What if adding exhaustion to an existing disease state drives me into a dark place mentally? As this last flurry of data gathering did. I wrapped this month and a half long process last Monday with an EKG. My old one: expired.<\/p>\n
Neither exhaustion nor my cancer drove me into anything.<\/p>\n
A barrier lowered.\u00a0 Old familiars saw their chance.<\/p>\n
Shhh, Charlie. Don’t worry about frailty. What? Frailty. Not you. Lassitude. You don’t get around well. You do the best you can.<\/p>\n
By evening: the troubling PSA. New metastases. The pull of letting go.<\/p>\n
I let them into my consciousness. Thursday the clutter and naysayers began to quiet. A plan existed. The trial. I got what I wanted.<\/p>\n
Even so. After my mother died, I not only let the demons in. I set up housekeeping with them. Entertained them with alcohol and anxiety. Oh, the times we had.<\/p>\n
I spent most of my twenties in thrall not only to alcohol and tobacco, but to bad choices.<\/p>\n
I found my power. Kicked the demons out of the house. They left the house. Not me.<\/p>\n
I know those demons lie in wait for my moments of vulnerability. They were there when I spent three days staring at wallpaper patterns. They showed up after Kate died, suggesting drastic changes.<\/p>\n
Not gone.<\/p>\n
Waiting.<\/p>\n
For me.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Spring and the Moon of Liberation Shabbat gratefuls: Shadow beside me. Artemis mine. Artemis II. Exploration. Living. Ruth at 20. David. Gabe. Jesse. Cancer. Rene Good. Alex Pretti. Say their names. Sparks of Joy and Awe: Ruth Kavannah: Hakarat Hatov.\u00a0 Gratitude.\u00a0 “Who is rich? Those who rejoice in their own portion.” Pirkei Avot (4:1) … Continue reading Exhaustion<\/span>