![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.ancientrails.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/artemis2-ezgif.com-webp-to-jpg-converter.jpg\")
<\/a>Kavannah: Wonder. Malchut.\u00a0 Shadow<\/p>\n
Tarot: paused<\/p>\n
One brief shining: When my latest PET scan showed a jump in metastases. After my PSA shot up to 92. Not panic. Regret. Sadness. Resignation. A downward trough.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
My oncologist, Dr. Buphati, and his team wanted me in a particular arm of the study. After randomization, I am.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve had a year of gliding into scanners and back out. Having bloodwork often. I\u2019m ready to lean into a treatment plan. Act rather than diagnose.<\/p>\n
Samantha\u2019s e-mail: \u201cGood news on the study. You were selected for the group receiving Actinium + ARPI.\u00a0That is the most desirable group to be in btw.\u201d<\/p>\n
The universe has thrown me a bone.\u00a0 The combination of a radioactive attack on my tumors\u2013Actinium\u2013and an androgen pathway receptor inhibitor\u2013ARPI\u2013 gives me the best chance of shrinking tumors and getting.some energy back.<\/p>\n
Good news and bad news. My clinical trial position could not be better. A high point. A place to start treatment. No matter what the trial does for my cancer, I\u2019ll know I\u2019ve given myself the best chance available.<\/p>\n
When I got the PET scan and PSA results. Banged me up pretty good. My cancer was on the move. These results came in the midst of yet more trips for imaging, blood work, consultations. I was tired. Exhausted.<\/p>\n
Not the best circumstances to absorb and frame tough information. Didn\u2019t realize until yesterday that melancholy had been dominant. In spite of my efforts. Or, I could say, I took in difficult news and managed it well enough to avoid depression.<\/p>\n
Cancer gives me many opportunities to practice resilience. I\u2019m no Zen master. I don\u2019t sit and calm myself. I do assess the context. Will my fatigue make me less able to maintain equilibrium. Yes. Less able to handle things day-to day. Yes. I watch for crankiness, low energy.<\/p>\n
Even so. Melancholy fits like a heavy, dark cape. I become more quiet in conversation. I might jump from a 92 PSA to the cemetery. I slow down, thinking is harder. Will the trial help? I shrug.<\/p>\n
Living with a chronic, terminal disease means making appointments, traveling from home a lot, making choices about drugs and treatments.<\/p>\n
We know neither the day nor the hour. Not for Jesus\u2019s return, but for our own death. I find comfort in not knowing.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Starting the trial.<\/p>\n
Actinium drips.<\/p>\n
I hope.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Spring and the Moon of Liberation Friday gratefuls: The Trans Lunar Injection Burn. Artemis II moving toward the moon. Clinical trial. Samantha. Arjan, Vincent, Tara, Eleanor Rene Good. Alex Pretti. Say their names. Sparks of Joy and Awe:\u00a0 Artemis II In this photo provided by NASA, a view of the Earth from NASA\u2019s Orion spacecraft … Continue reading Living With Hard Knowledge<\/span>