Samhain Thanksgiving Moon
A further extrapolation on the narrative fallacy and the self. (see post below) This notion, destabilizing as it is, makes sense to me. Which is ironic if you get the gist here.
It helps explain the existential panic I sometimes feel when my mood darkens, sometimes with a known trigger, sometimes not. Yesterday was such a time for me. When I have conversations about my work, Missing in this case, the potential for a seismic tremor heightens. Of course, these tremors, unlike earth bound temblors, can produce good shakes and bad shakes.
Stefan’s careful analysis of what he felt worked and what didn’t, which I appreciated, especially in the detail and clarity which he offered so freely, unsettled me. Geez, if this much still needs to happen and this is the 4th draft, what’s wrong with me? WRONG. OH. I’VE FELT WRONG BEFORE. AND AHA THIS PROVES THIS OTHER TIMES RIGHT. WHAT WERE THE OTHER TIMES? UHH. CAN’T REMEMBER EXACTLY, BUT THE FEELING, THE FEELING’S THE SAME. ISN’T IT?
This went on as I drove away from his house. I would remember the tell yourself this is a good workout, that you’re not tired article I read in the New York Times yesterday so I would tell myself that this was temporary, not anchored, that it was good to get feedback, that I was having a good day. I had a friend who cared enough to be straight with me. oops. felt bad. I’m having a good day, driving in the city. There’s Knox Presbyterian, “living the obedient life”, yep, still conservative. Need some tea, Verdant’s all the way over in Seward, but, hey. The Teashop is just ahead on Lyndale. Oh, good, I’ve never followed through on my writing, never got published, never tried hard. Never. Never. Never. Never. Here I am 66 and I’ve bounced from this to that. Bad. Wrong. Not followed through. Old now and not ever going to follow through. Always bad, wrong. Wait. There’s the Teashop. I’ll buy tea here, not drive all the way over to Seward then have to loop back to Kramarczuk’s. After the teashop. Bought a half an ounce of tea for $25. Stupid. Hey, I can just loop around, no cars in the lane going the other way on Lyndale. Oh. Didn’t look behind me in my own lane, guy lets me go. Maybe I’m too old to drive. How will I know? Bad. Wrong.
Finally, I talked myself into the moment. Cut the loop. The wind drove the golden leaves, the maple leaves, they are golden. They swirl up in the air, blown high, come down. Fall. This is fall and it’s happening right before my eyes, as I eat this Italian sausage, which is not so hot, still I’m right in the middle of this wonderful seasonal transition. I’m in this moment now, neither bad nor good, just here. Part of another fall. It’s come again, as it has come before and will come again. And I will be in it, part of it. Neither bad nor good. Right nor wrong. I calmed down, my center returned and the jaggedy feelings left my body, those tensed muscles relaxing.
The feeling tone remained, like a bad taste, and tried to reassert itself, grind itself into the wormhole that is a certain narrative arc about my self. Finally, the arc I prefer, the one that lets me move forward, not get stuck, took hold. I had woven my narrative around this temporary dis-ease and let it be. Part of my life, yes, but not all of it. Whew.
