Family, Fourth Phase, Health, Shadow Mountain

Mattering

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A visit from my rabbi.

A month ago, not sure if I would ever feel better, I asked Jamie to come see me. At the time I’d had thoughts of dropping out of the trial, going into hospice. Tired of all of it. Feeling sick. Life on the line with unproven drugs. Too. Much.

By the time we synched our calendars a month had passed. A month in which I hired a housekeeper, started getting better nutrition, sleep. I was no longer feeling from a mood of weariness.

I wondered now about my purpose in these last years of my life? Jamie told me of some material he’d been reading about mattering. I found it intriguing. Here’s a quick Gemini summary:

  • Significance (or Importance): Feeling seen, essential, and having the small things about you remembered by others.
  • Appreciation (or Recognition): Being valued strictly for who you are, rather than exclusively for what you achieve.
  • Investment (or Ego Extension): Knowing that others are genuinely invested in your well-being and that you are mutually invested in theirs.
  • Dependence (or Reliance): Having people in this world who safely trust and rely on you, without overextending you.
  • Attunement: The feeling that you are worthy of being understood and responded to meaningfully by your community. [1, 2, 3]

I like this because it wraps the question of purpose-self extended outward-in a broad context which includes family, community, and the inner experience of being human. And, in particular for me right now, it shows that purpose can be showing others that they matter.

Not, imh, strikingly new or revolutionary, yet a full advance over achievement and accumulation as life’s purpose. Also, it does not denigrate those, rather it sets them in what seems to me their appropriate context.

I’m focused now on mattering, especially the ways I can help you, reader, know that you matter.

On a health note I have walked unaided almost the full length of my driveway and back. Mary is my wingwoman in case I falter.

Mary has been a kind and helpful presence since she got here. Setting herself things to do like eliminating expired food, cleaning the fridge, and all my kitchen cabinets. Most of all she has come, showed up as my friend Paul likes to say. Family at its best. She matters to me.

Family, Fourth Phase, Health, Politics

The Toad Prince

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Mary. Cleaning. Culling. Making breakfast, a snack basket.  Helping with Shadow. Helping me with workouts. Kind. Good to have family here. Links to the past and the future.

She expressed surprise when I told her mom wanted me to read only Tarzan comic books. “But mom was so open minded.” Not when I was seven, eight.

While we’re approaching the Summer Solstice, Melbourne is well into fall. Headed toward the Winter Solstice. Down under.

Liz, occupational therapist, came yesterday. Bubbly, easy to talk to. Both she and Carol, p.t., had to do assessments. Then submit those to United health, see how many sessions they will allow. Work with both of them starts next week.

With Mary alongside I’m walking unaided on the driveway. A little further each day. Feels good. Challenging. Small workouts start today. Legs.

I can feel the progress, slow though it may be.

 

Meanwhile the Toad Prince dreams of a Trump promenade. Talks of leaving the UFC platform on the Whitehouse lawn. Like the French did with the Eiffel Tower. What a strange man.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Family, Health, Politics, Shadow Mountain

Mary. Dopy.

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Shadow has had her breakfast. Mary’s awake. Shadow Mountain coming into the morning.

Mary got a lift with a car service. Arrived around 5:30, looking fancy. She came bearing a delicious meal with prosciutto, cheese, and crackers. We ate as we discussed her trip so far. She has an open ticket, can stay as long she wants. She’s come to help in any way she can.

Carol, my physical therapist from Mt. Evans, talked me into trying a cervical collar. It will provide support, help me with the strain on my back from the head drop. Not sure about it, but the soft collar was not working.

Weather continues cool and rainy. Good sleeping last night.

I think eating regular meals has begun to help. I can walk a bit further, don’t feel as tired. Stopping the abiraterone and the prednisone helped, too. Feeling confident.

Meanwhile in Dopyland. The war. Iran. Over so fast. Not. Cease fire? Not so much. Dopy hits them. They hit back. Federal Housing Finance Director makes next logical career move to acting director of National Intelligence. More pics of Trump vanity project, the Triumphal Arch. Oh, boy.

Best headline about Trump. Ever. Goes to Brett Stephens for: President Ozymandias.

 

Family, Friends, Politics

Friends. Family. Dopy.

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Luke came up, his faithful dog Leo with him. Leo is a large dog and is 13 years old. He lowers himself to the ground in stages, doesn’t play as much. Still the sweet boy he’s always been.

Laundry day for Luke. He spent almost five hours washing, drying, and folding. His apartment’s laundry puts lint on to the clothing.

We talk, Luke and I. Of Judaism, the synagogue, his ongoing work combining Hebrew, Chemistry, and Kabbalah. Of why didn’t the community college rehire him? Of his new focus on high school chemistry positions. Of family, his and mine. Friends.

Gabe meant to come up yesterday. However. He and Levi tried to reach the summit at Hell’s Hole outside of Idaho Springs. Gabe overdid it. Was too late by the time they slowly finished their hike.

Sister Mary arrives today. All the way from down under, mate. Good on’er. Well not really. She made a trip to Minneapolis and Eau Claire first. A two hour flight from Minneapolis. Will be so good to see her.

Today I start trying to get in good enough shape to receive my second infusion, stay in the trial. I know how to work out, just not how to do it from this depleted state. 10 am.

Dopy Don must feel the quicksand rising. Iran lobs a missile at U.S. forces in Kuwait. Threatens to pull out of peace talks. Dopy’s reaction? Couldn’t care less. The negotiations are very boring. The sort of stance I look for in the leader of a country at war. Can’t be bothered.

 

Cooking, GeekWorld, Health, Mountains, Shadow Mountain

Door

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New microwave. A compact that fits on top of my dorm fridge. First use. Heated macaroni. Then. The door wouldn’t open. The LED read, unhelpfully, door. Had to unplug it, plug it back in to retrieve my macaroni. A call today to the Sharp’s folks. I need a working unit.

P.t. starts tomorrow. Glad. My situation is not dire, but it could go there with another illness or an injury. Regular meals have not, so far, increased my weight. I know from experience with Kate that gaining weight can be as hard as losing it.

More imaging. Later this month. Oh, boy.

Weather, though often sunny, remains unseasonably cool. 44 this morning. Warmer starting tomorrow.

Luke and Leo, Gabe and Levi coming today. Gabe for his graduation gift. Luke and Leo for a visit.

Another day viewing the world from the top of Shadow Mountain. Across the way Black Mountain greens up:  lodgepole needles darker, aspen colonies fluttering new green leaves. Two mountains among the many that stretch over three thousand miles from British Columbia to New Mexico.

Friends, Health

Some Assembly…

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Whoo, boy. Dodged a bullet. When Ginny and Janice came over, they found my new walker in a box. Ginny offered to look at it, see if it needed assembly. Never occurred to me. It did.

Had I waited to open the box before an appointment, I would have been very unhappy. Ginny, with Janice’s help, got my red menace together. My very own walker. Welcome to frailty.

Another great visit with those two. What a joy to have them in my life. They’re kind, loving. Feel like sisters.

Weight down to 111. Ginny told CBE folks who asked after me that I’d lost a lot of weight. I look like it, too.

Reading a mystery Tom mentioned. A Beautiful Blue Death. Charles Finch. An homage to Holmes. Excellent.

Mentally preparing for a hard push with p.t. Need to be up on my feet by June 17th. Carol will guide me.

Oh my. Spurs win. Trump double dealing questioned. Iran wobbles on.

Friends, Health

P.T.

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Two notable events. Mt. Evans p.t. called. I’ll see Carol next Tuesday at 10. Glad to have this underway. I need it. Christina told me on telehealth yesterday that I could not get my second infusion in the shape I’m in. A major incentive.

Compact microwave on dorm fridge. Melissa-made meals in the fridge. Three meals a day. Putting on weight is the goal. No longer necessary to go upstairs.

Both push me toward regaining strength and stamina. A good day.

Ginny and Janice, Annie and Luna, coming for a visit later today. Luke on Monday.

 

 

 

General

Short

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Yes. Still here. Apologies for any concerns my distracted posting may have caused.

Fatigue caused by so many factors. Stressful when faced with appointments.

Feel better, very far from well.

 

 

Greenhouse, Health, Plants, Shadow Mountain, Weather +Climate

This and that

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Heirloom tomato plants ok! The cold, I guess, would prevent them from producing, but I’ll have the heater working and that won’t be a problem. Relieved. So looking forward to a whole Black Krim or Brandywine. No taste like heirlooms off the plant. Will spoil you. No grocery store tomatoes again except for sauces.

My new goal. Walk to Artemis and back. Maybe get my hands in the soil. Turns out Mt. Evans p.t./o.t. lost two staff to emergency medical leave. No new patients until at least early June. Up to me. I’ve pushed myself so often over the past couple of years. Tired of it.

Didn’t make it to my oncology appointment. Realized I couldn’t walk unaided. Need a walker. Ordered one. May do telehealth. Bupathi took me off the trial pills, abriteraone. Prednisone, too. Hopes to help my fatigue. Get me back on my feet faster. May it be so.

Gabe graduates today. Two years after Ruth. He’s headed to the local Jesuit University, Regis, this fall. He’s leaving public school with momentum. Writing awards. A special girl. Go, Gabe. I will not be attending. See note about oncology appointment.

Rainy and chilly. 44 degrees. Memorial day in the past; Beltane a month underway. Only 24 days till the summer solstice. A real twist after our long, hot winter.

So. Is the war over? We strike. Iran retaliates. Peace negotiations stalled. Where is the great dealmaker? Probably at Mar-a-Lago adding pounds and playing rounds.

 

Greenhouse, Health

Short

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Summer, eh? We’re still logging temps in the high thirties. Fine with me. But not my too early planted tomatoes. Afraid they’re goners. I can’t walk the short distance to Artemis to find out. Melissa will tell me today.

I’m eating more. Trying to regain some weight, have more energy. My head drop has worsened. When I walk, my head strains against my neck. Debilitating. As long as I’m seated, head supported, I feel like my old self. When I get up? Not so much.

Tomorrow Bupathi, my medical oncologist.