Snow and Trails

Beltane and the Beltane Moon

BTW: Beltane signals the start of the growing season. Here’s today’s forecast after record heat on Shadow Mountain yesterday. Mountain weather! I’m in the orange. And, it’s snowing like crazy at 8:30 am.




Friday gratefuls: Snow. Fire suppressing Snow! Cool weather. Heat. Hikes in between. Maxwell Creek. Maxwell Falls. Time shifting. Bedtime. Connie Zweig. Life Review. Did I mention Snow? Kep the clean and wonderful. Mussar. Plays. Theater. The Beatles. Shabbat. Gut shabbas. Mindy’s knishes. That Belgian Malnois who saved his momma from a Mountain Lion. And got his skull crushed, but survived. The Ancient Mindful Brothers.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Snow

Tarot: Eight of Bows, Hearthfire

“We celebrate the fact that we have endured, survived, and developed under tribal support and companionship. This is a time to be grateful, express, and receive love. It is also an emotional state, which implies: “I maintain the fire that strengthens these relationships and I am grateful for the love that exists in life.”

Perfect. Herme loves the eight of bows.


OK. No. Not changing my name. I’m adopting Herme as an Elder persona. Living into my truth as a fourth phase guy. Herme may speak here from time to time. He may write, too. If you want to address the elder in me, he’ll respond. Think of him as an avatar carrying the essence of the journey from birth to 75. And now reshaping us (me) into a vessel for the final journey.

Herme reminds me I Live in the Mountains. Herme reminds me I’m Living Alone with a Crowd. Introverted, but connected to family, friends, CBE. A soul name.


Did my second trail day yesterday. Maxwell Falls. About a mile from here. Gonna hit a trail twice a week for exercise. Three times a week, treadmill and weights. The trails are good for balance work. Mostly they’re good for Living in the Mountains. Pine Trees, Rock. Wild things.

Here’s a few pics:





Posted in Jefferson County, Mountains, Shadow Mountain, Weather +Climate | Leave a comment

Introducing Herme

Beltane and the Beltane Moon

Thursday gratefuls: Burning Bear Creek. Park County #60. A clean Kep. Geneva Creek. The hike. Good exercise. Outside. In the Mountains. The scent of Lodgepole Pines. Sweet. The sound of Snow Melt throwing itself down Geneva Creek. The Marmoset. The Raccoon. Those molting young Mule Deer Does near the Lariat Lodge. Hamish. Working on Alfieri and Eddie in View from the Bridge. 9:30 to bed. Up at 7:10. Shift already happening.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Marmosets and Raccoons

Tarot: #8, The Stag

“The Stag is a metaphorical image for the treasure of knowledge in the universe, where the energy of creativity awakens every human soul.”


Kep emerged from Award Winning Pet Grooming shiny and sweet smelling. Grinning. He jumped up on me. Thanks for not forgetting me, Dad! He’s the sweetest Akita I’ve ever met. The longtime owner there. He’s the sweetest Akita I’ve ever met, too, but my experience is limited to Kep, Murdoch, and for a moment, Kya.

Living in the Mountains continues today. Exercise at Maxwell Creek. I’ll see what it’s like at 9 am or so. Probably nobody. Which is what I want. Gonna start checking for lonely trails somewhere nearby. Even when working out I’m an introvert. A big reason I have my own home gym.


Shedding, like an Akita blowing his coat, my old Self. Letting him go, rushing toward the River feeding the Collective Unconscious. He’ll always be there if I need him. He served me well over the last seven years, but it’s time to let the fourth phase me, the post-Kate me have his day.

He’s a dig-in to this world deeper guy. A Living in the Mountains guy. Really see this wonder in which I live. He’s a Traveling Alone with a Crowd guy. Herme is his name.

Instead of looking to go far he’s looking to go in and down, as has been my journey since I left the church over thirty years ago. Slipped away some in the Colorado years. Renewing that journey while rethinking transcendence. I get the need to move beyond ego, but I’m not sure transcendence is the right metaphor. Rolling this around right now.

Rather than looking to go far Herme wants to investigate the close-by, the near. In his heart. In his inner world. In the Mountains near his home. In Evergreen and CBE. In family and friends. On Shadow Mountain. In his sumi-e brush.

Herme wants to move on the Elder’s path. Finding his power. Communicating his truth gathered. No longer pounding the world with his fist. No longer seeking distant lands unless inhabited by family. Not seeking success in anything. Living in the World as he lives in the Mountains as his World.

Herme appreciates the lessons of suffering. But no longer wants to live with them as a primary identity. Cancer will be what cancer is with the treatments available. Jon and the kids will resolve their issues from the divorce or not; Herme will remain in their lives. Kate will be of blessed memory.

Farewell old man. You served me well, but it’s time for a new phase.



Posted in Aging, Dogs, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Great Wheel, Health, Jefferson County, Judaism, Mountains, Our Land and Home, Park County, Plants, Shadow Mountain, Tarot, Travel | Leave a comment

Living in the Mountains

Beltane and the Beltane Moon


Wednesday gratefuls: Kep. Grooming today. A hike while he’s stylin’. Diane. Arthur Miller. Neil Simon. Clifford Odets. Eugene O’Neil. Thornton Wilder. American theater. August Wilson. The Bard, of course. Those Greeks. The well-made play. Bernard Shaw. Dancing at Lughnasa. Saw it in London. Playwrights. David Mamet. Learning. Stretching new muscles. Old muscles, really. Really old muscles.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Living in the Mountains

Tarot: Three of Vessels, Joy

“The ability to connect directly with inspiration allows renewed and re-initiated energies to flow through you, and it is a gift from creation. The ability to lead a life of joy, praise, and gratitude, as if it is an unexpected gift we share, will be a unique blessing. That gift is also acknowledged by people who feel the warmth we are spreading.”


I’m done with kabbalah for the moment. Will finish astrology class because I’m learning now. Maybe glimpsing what others see. After three semesters. Slow, dude. Slow.

Energy shifting. Realizing I kept myself in my head with the Sefer Yetzirah classes. Not that I don’t love it there. I do. But this one hasn’t fed me. I want deeper connections. To art. To friends. To family. To Shadow Mountain. To Colorado. No. I need deeper connections. Acting class feeds that part of me. Also, reading plays.

Gonna try moving my bedtime. Maybe in 15 minute increments. Aiming for 10 pm. Up at 7:00-7:30. Leave a better opening for night time activity. Not always shocking myself with sleep deprivation when I go to Nocturne or Dazzle for a jazz evening.

Also, as I said yesterday, for services at CBE, for acting class. For dining out.


Kep goes to Bailey today for his regular grooming. A life without dog hair in the house! Well, without LOTS of dog hair. Yes. Seems to work. The groomer suggested an eight week schedule.

While he gets beautifuler, I plan a hike at this place. Burning Bear East Trail. 

Why? Want to get out outside more. And, I love the name. Burning Bear. Wonder what the story is? The trail follows Burning Bear Creek. I’ll take pictures. Need sun screen, my camelpack, and my hiking boots.


Back from Bailey, Burning Bear Creek. Never found the trailhead. I went about 7 miles up a Park County road, #60, that goes deep into the Pike National Forest. Not sure why I missed it, but I did. After I got back on 285 I drove to the Guanella Pass and found the trail’s eastern head about 6 miles up the pass.

Living in the Mountains. Gonna be a new motto for me. Like living in the move when we first transitioned to the Rockies. Various things blocked my getting out and hiking in the Mountains. Cancer. Kate’s illness. Nearby trails crowded or too steep for my impaired diaphragm. Sure, they’re excuses, but they have also been real barriers.

The result of all these barriers over the last seven years is that I (we) lived on a Mountain, but rarely in the Mountains. We lived in the Front Range. The extended Denver metro. Still wonderful but far, far from all that’s here.

Not anymore. As I drove up Park County #60 here are a few of the things I saw:






The last four pictures feature Beaver modified terrain. The last picture, a bit hard to identify, has the dam, a big one about 2/3’s of the way up from the bottom.

A Marmoset crossed my path looking like a fat Old West accountant scurrying off to his goose-quill and raised desk. On Monday night coming home from Evergreen I saw a very healthy Raccoon slipping off the road and into the Marsh.

Seeing animals, healthy animals. Yes.

What I realized was that up every country road that heads up into the Mountains contains some version of this. Every trail that heads into them, too. And I’ve not been out there.

I’m not as able as I was when I got here. I huff and puff a lot more, but it’s good for me. When I lived in Andover, I did a lot of my exercise outside. County Parks. A trail behind the new library. Winter and Spring and Fall. Summer usually inside. Air conditioning.

Anyhow. Living in the Mountains. Traveling Alone. (With a crowd.)

I did find the Geneva Creek Trail. Hiked it for 30 minutes.


Posted in Feelings, Fourth Phase, Mountains, Park County, Shadow Mountain, Tarot | Leave a comment

Oh, the Wonders We’ll See

Beltane and the Beltane Moon

Tuesday gratefuls: Deb. Robbie. Tal. Gretchen. Alan. Terrence. Jill. Nights. Lunar red. The full red Moon. Cloudy skies. Skipping Sefer Yetzirah. Learning things in astrology. Not enough. Reading plays. Loving it. Art is not only sculpture, prints, paintings, metal work. Literature. Theater. Music. Oh. Remembering.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Alfieri and Felix

Tarot: #8, The Stag


“The Stag shows our connection to the universe and…organic life on this planet. The hatchet is a symbolic image of the human will to alter the environment. In order for the environment to change more positively, we need not only more effective actions but also (to accept) our responsibility to nature. On the shield, the picture of a great Oak tree reminds us that we must preserve and protect natural resources.”


Wow. Up at 9:22 am this morning. To bed at 10:30 pm. Acting class and pre-bed routine. Woke up and felt great. I went, huh? No time to write Ancientrails before Astrology class. No time to exercise so I skipped Sefer Yetzirah. Skipping class. For me? Hardly ever. I loved doing it this time.

Had brunch, then exercised. Felt and feel great. Pay attention to accidents. Like the fall, yes, but in this case a late night, late morning. Well. I could do this, I guess. Just because for the last 30 years I’ve gone to bed early and gotten up early does that mean I still have to? No. It doesn’t

If my acting lessons take me anywhere, which I’m not expecting, but if they do, rehearsal? At night. Performances? At night. Services at CBE? At night. It would open up a different lifestyle for me.

On that note. I got stuck. My Minneapolis Institute of Arts experience led me to a Johnny-one note approach to the arts. Painted. Sculpted. Printed. Sewn. Splattered. Photographed. Videoed. Yes. If I couldn’t regularly see high quality art of this kind, well…

Then my buddy Alan suggested I take an acting class. Sure. Why not? At the very least a reminder of a different art form. One I’d engaged in the long ago far away. Whoa. Heart work. Body work. Get the mind out of the way work. Reread some contemporary work like The Odd Couple, View From the Bridge, next American Buffalo. Act scenes from them. Develop the Self in a new way.

I mean. Like the proverbial 2×4. Oh. Yeah. And music, too. Gotta get somebody, maybe Alan, to help get my audio world turned on here on Shadow Mountain. Will begin again to read classical literature. Metamorphosis first, I imagine.

As Ode said, routines. The only difference betweeen a rut and a grave are the dimensions. Yeah.

So I may become a later to bed, later to rise guy. For art’s sake.


Here’s a realization I had today. When I take something from Taoism, I take it as a Taoist.When I take something from Christianity, I take it as a Christian. When I take something from Judaism, I take it as a Jew.When I take something from Islam, I take it as a Muslim. When I take something from Hinduism, I take it as a Hindu.

Furthermore. When I take something from Japanese culture, I take it as a Japanese. From Colombia as a Colombian. From the Celts as a Celt.

Syncretism and appropriation are dirty words in most intellectual circles. I’m not trying to create a new, smashed together religion, nor am I lifting ideas from their living culture to reorient in mine.

Nope. When I say I’m a follower of Shiva, which I am, I mean I’m aware of and beholden to the cosmic dance of creation and destruction and Shiva is its name. When I say ichi-go ich-e is important for me, I’m saying this moment, this one while I’m typing on the keyboard, throwing these ideas out into the cyberether, will never happen again. And, is precious for that reason. When I say I follow the Great Wheel, I’m an ancient Celtic thinker noticing the stars and the changing of the seasons, tying them together in a long, yet repeating spiral.

I don’t pick and choose. Nope to that either. Some ideas and concepts that come to me as I read, listen, see change my way. When they change my way, they become part of me, part of my ancientrail.

Neither striving for nor hoping for a neat package tied up with a bow. Nicely systematized. Not important to me. Insights into life and how to live it? Very important to me.

Posted in Aging, Art and Culture, Astrology, Cinema and Television, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Humanities, Latin, Letters, Literature, Music, Myth and Story, Shadow Mountain, Tarot, Translating Metamorphoses, Travel, Writing | Leave a comment

The No Strangers, No Contact Which Requires Extra Effort Level

Beltane and the Beltane Moon


Monday gratefuls: CBE. Comedy. Tater tots. Alan as an auctioneer. The improv troupe. Luke’s mom. Luke. Mindy. The auction. The Ancient Brothers on travel. Black Mountain. The Solar panels. Warm weather. Cool nights. Last of the back pain beginning to recede. Hamish. Acting Class. Felix. Oscar. Dinner on Friday with Alan.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Folks beginning to ask me for favors

Tarot: Two of Bows, Decision

“A person standing on top of a hill, in the middle of the night, against the starry sky. His head is surrounded by a halo of fire, the flame of determination. In each hand, he holds a long, incomplete arched bow, which is higher than the top of his head. From the bow, the flames erupted, symbolizing his vitality and authority.

Awakening the unconscious senses associated with the desire to make decisions. The gate is opened in front of every individual, who is prepared to take the initiative.”


An interesting back and forth right now. Continue on, stay the course with the life of today. Which I love. And/0r. Add more elements to it so that my every day veers into new territory. The two of Bows suggest I’m trying to push myself toward something different, something new. Acting? Short trips?

As Ode said yesterday morning, routines are (or can be) deadly. Draining vitality. Obfuscating potential. They can also though be productive. 17 plus years of Ancientrails. An exercise habit. Feeding dogs. Sunday mornings with the Ancient Brothers.

Excited to feel the stirrings. No idea right now where they incline. Will emerge. And I want to be ready.


Got the art cart cleared off. Ready to get out my sumi-e brushes and start one-stroke painting. A meditation. Got the coffee table cleared downstairs. My pruning continues. Slow, but steady. Having the Sewing Room dining area created opened space for me to do other fussy stuff. Gonna clear off the table in there today, too. Just washed jars for the pantry and my collection of Rat Zappers.


Also head down the hill at 8:15 to Stevenson Toyota. Tire swap. Blizzaks for all-seasons. Checking tread depth. Might be time for new Blizzaks. This fall. While waiting on this work to get done, I’m going to work on developing Felix and the lawyer from A View From the Bridge. I have the Odd Couple script, but not the Arthur Miller piece yet.


Another interesting paradox right now. I’m so at home with Marilyn and Irv, Alan, Ron, Jamie, Rich, Susan, Judy, Tara even Ellen, Mindy, Anne, Sally, Fran, Anshel, Leslie, and Robbie. They’re my CBE. As long as I’m one on one, or in small groups, I feel welcome and loved. There are a few others like Michele and David, Tal, Joan and Rick, Jamie and Steve, Dan and Kristi, the Lehmans that are a smaller, further circle out for me, but I still see them as close acquaintances.

Yet when I go to a service or to an event like the Funraiser Fundraiser which featured a Jewish comic from New York, I can’t get away fast enough when it’s over. Most of the other folks I don’t know. When Kate was alive, this paradox almost didn’t exist because she belonged there in a way I didn’t and I stood in her acceptance.

To be fair I always skip out of theaters, movies, concerts first of all the folks if I can. I like to get out and away. I’ve told myself it was because I didn’t want to hassle with other cars in a crowded parking lot. Now I’m wondering if it’s because my social battery has been drained dry during the event.

As I’m writing this, I’m thinking, hey. There’s your answer. This event yesterday had a long form improv group directed by Tal perform. Afterward, Alan auctioned off Jewish food: latkes, mondle bread, knishes, smoked brisket, rugelach, macaroons, and, of course, chopped liver. The six pound brisket went for $200. My friend Mindy’s knishes brought well over $100 for 16 and her mondle bread went for over $100, too. A fund raiser.

Then came the comic. Jessica Kirson. Never heard of her, but she was good. “I love doing shows for my people.” Her set went longer than advertised which was good.

But. I got there 2:50 and scooted out the door at 5:35. Exhausted. I’d been around more people than I had since Covid began. No mask. Double boosted. There was ventilation and it wasn’t a massive crowd though a good turnout for CBE. That’s it. Not that I don’t fit, just that I’d run my battery all the way down to the no strangers, no contact which requires extra effort level. Nearing nobody at all no how. The bottom.

Thank you for listening. And out.





Posted in Art and Culture, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, GeekWorld, Humor, Judaism, Kabbalah, Mussar, Shadow Mountain, Tarot | Leave a comment


Beltane and the Beltane Moon

Sunday gratefuls: Fosamax. Levothyroxine. Erleada. Orgovyx. Prostate cancer. Kristie. Kristen. Medical knowledge. Doctors. Kate, always Kate. Diaphanous gowns. Good job on the ABD, Kenton. Love in sign language. Life review. Pruning. Proceeding.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Sumi-e

Tarot: Six of Bows, abundance

“…the Six of Bows asks us to consider where we have struggled and worked hard in our lives and what abundance we have gained as a result. Now…is the time to give thanks for these blessings of abundance – what do you have to be thankful for? How will you share your blessings?”


Over the last year and a month I’ve struggled with grief. Struggled not because it was bad, but because it was necessary. Kate meant and means the world to me. One of her friends recently told me Kate felt the same way about me. That was a sweet and precious moment.

Over the last week since her yahrzeit at CBE I’ve been having a desire to finish spreading her ashes. This time by myself, early in the morning. Maxwell Creek. I’ll leave some to be mixed with mine when the time comes. But the rest, on its way to the World Ocean. Feels like the right time. And something I need to finish alone.

Grief never ends. Not sure if that’s true. Grief for Mom has subsided to remembrance. Of course, her death was 58 years ago. I may not have time to come to the same resolution with Kate’s death. Although.

My grief about Mom was hard. I remembered her telling me I’d made her cry at Christmas. At 17 I’m sure I did. Her death came like a lightning bolt into our lives. It did not draw us together, but at least for me it sundered family ties.

Complicated grief. Painful and filled with regret. It took alcoholism and years of analysis to right the boat. By that time I was two marriages into my 30’s. I finally bobbed to the surface in my late 30’s. Right around, come to think of it, when I lost the hearing in my left ear.

Grief for Kate has none of those elements. No regrets save for one which I’ve mentioned and which I’ve worked through with the help of Sarah, Diane, and Rebecca.

The main intensifier not a complication. I finally met and married a woman while I was sober. One of a kind, as a note from Bond and Devick said. Yes, she was. We were for each other always and until the end. In fact past the end since I know her love for me gives me the freedom to live this next phase of my life in my own way. She also left me the resources to do it.

Knowing that makes the grief more bittersweet. More poignant. More filled with gratitude for her life, our life together, and my life now.

As the six of bows suggests, this struggle has been hard, but it has left me with abundance. A heart filled with love. And chesed. A life filled with love and family. Good friends. A good home and a good dog. In the Rocky Mountains. Sharing the abundance comes easily to me. As it always did to Kate.

Posted in Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Judaism, Mountains, Shadow Mountain, Tarot | Leave a comment

Hi, I’m Charlie.

Beltane and the Beltane Moon


Saturday gratefuls: Rebecca. Kep. Marilyn. Alan. Tal. Acting. Tarot. Astrology. A chilly morning. Theater. A day for domestic chores. A new, working schedule. Life review. Connie Zweig. The Inner Journey of Aging. Solar power. Mini-splits. Mediterranean diet. Cooking.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Karsts

Tarot: Four of Stones, protection


Plan to spend most of today cleaning off my art cart, filing financial papers and other things I keep for some reason or another. I have many files and little memory of what I put in so many of them. Get back to Sumi-e.

I do have a system, sort of. Here are the ones about the Great Wheel. Here mussar and kabbalah. Here are insurance documents, dog vet reports. Over here are all my novels. These files are short stories. Files on Joseph, including his naturalization process. Files about Dad, Alexandria, family genealogy. Rocky Mountains. Places to go in Colorado. Files from trips taken long ago. Latin. Files on art objects in the Minneapolis Institute of Art. Lots of files.

And so. Much. More. I’m an information hoarder. I have books. Files. Computer files. Picture files on the computer. I have books of journals began in the year 1975. I have flash drives of files from old computers. I even have this slick new browser extension, OneTab, which lets me save websites that seem interesting but I don’t have time to read right now. 1,352 sites saved so far.

My name is Charlie and I’m an information hoarder.

Hi, Charlie!


Scheduled a trip to Hawai’i. A little complicated. Have to find a housesitter to care for Kep. Their schedules are critical. Then, when is it good for Joe and Seoah. When is good for me? And, when can I get decent priced airfare? Lot of moving parts. Had to shift to a later two weeks due to doggy care scheduling. Which means I have to change my appointment with Kristie. Oncology PA. Nothing’s perfect, right?

This will be the last Hawai’i trip with Joe and Seoah. They’re headed to Ramstein AFB in Germany. December. Joe will be second in command for a NATO AWACS squadron. Which means, gee. I’ll have to go to Germany to see him. Aw, shoot.

May plan a somewhat long European trip in 2023. Eurrail and Joe’s place as a base. Eurrail is so good. So very good. And, Europe’s so convenient. Not like flying across the Pacific to get to one country. Fly across the pond. End up in Germany. Train to Amsterdam. Train to Paris. Train to Madrid. Train to Seville. Or Rome or Florence or Venice. Or Zurich. A one month global rail pass, go on as many trains as you want, to as many cities as you want. Premium: $884.

Remember what I said about travel? Yeah, me, too. Well. Europe is different. Easier. So. Maybe? Anybody want to go to Europe?


Another red flag day here on Shadow Mountain. Yesterday, too. High winds, low humidity, drought conditions. Need rain or snow. Please. Red flag = high fire danger. Even small fires can get out of control fast.




Posted in Dogs, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Hawai'i, Health, Shadow Mountain, Tarot, Travel, Weather +Climate | Leave a comment

Not looking

Beltane and the Beltane Moon

Thursday/Friday gratefuls: MVP. CBE. Cook’s venture chickens. Rommertopf. Moist roast chicken. With leeks, potatoes, carrots, celery, kale. Cheese curds with nuts and dried fruit. My contribution to MVP. Shleimut. Wholeness. Integrity. Middah of the month. Diane. Redwoods. See’s candy. Mussar. Sleep.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Redwoods

Tarot: Ace of Bows, spark of life


Wow. Forgot this yesterday. Very, very uncommon. Not a busy day either. Started late after my zoom call with Diane. Went down for some breakfast/lunch, never got back. Mussar. Then tired.

It has been a tough week in this regard. Acting class on Monday night. Dinner at Robbie’s on Tuesday. MVP mussar Wednesday night. That’s way more evening time away from home than normal for me.

Still feeling off my sleep routine. I avoid night time meetings, services for this reason. And, tomorrow I’m going to the Beatles shabbat because my friend Luke will perform. Saturday will be tough, too. This is two months after starting levothyroxine. Another blood test will help refine my dose. I suspect I’ll need a bump up from the starting dose. Doesn’t feel like I should be this tired.


Traveling alone. Realized the other day that I’m traveling alone now. No more Kate by my side, my partner. I’ve done a lot of traveling alone and I thrive doing it, but it’s a different experience that having a companion. Though I would love to have Kate back, I’m not finding any spark of interest in finding a new companion, a lover. She was a one-off, a unique fit for me, unrepeatable. Soul mate. Even though overused, it describes Kate and me.

Not lonely, alone. In the Hermitage with Herme. Kep. Books. The kitchen. The common room. My lower level. My loft. The monk in me. Yes.

Enjoy people, sure. Not a misanthrope. An introvert. Quieter. Even more. I imagine my lowered energy level also has something to do with it.

Not running out the clock. Still walking several others home, as they are for me. Ram Dass idea. Still loving life. Learning. The Lodgepoles. The Aspen. The Fox. The Bears. The Mule Deer and the Wapiti. The Mountain Streams. The Mountains. Taoism. Trees. Chi. Ohr. Meditation. Art. Fiction. Aging. Books. Games.

Thought I would want to find a new person for an intimate relationship, a little surprised I don’t. Not saying it couldn’t happen, but I’m not in a seeking mode as I was when I found Kate. Not even in a wanting to seek mode.

Does that seem weird? Not about honoring Kate. I know she’s dead and I know what that means. I also know she would want me to do what I need to do, to be happy. A canard, yes, but I’m sure of it.

Thing is. I am happy. And, more important for me, satisfied with this life, this Colorado life. I have family, friends, intellectual stimulation, my Ancient Brothers, Kep, Shadow Mountain Home. Joe and Seoah are ready to catch me if I fall. Literally or figuratively. I’m financially secure. Healthiesh. Mentally competent.

Wondering out loud.


Have not done a life review as Connie Zweig suggests in her The Inner Work of Aging. She has several good ideas and over the next few weeks I’m going to try them all. The Ira Progroff workshops do a life review of sorts in its Steppingstone exercises, but not the focused whole life scan that Zweig suggests.


Posted in Aging, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Health, Judaism, Mountains, Mussar, Shadow Mountain, Tarot | Leave a comment

The Stones

Beltane and the Beltane Moon


Wednesday gratefuls: Robbie and Deb. Salmon. Seeing new parts of Evergreen. Mars and Gevurah. Humidity 15%. Low Winds. Black Mountain still with some Snow on the ski runs. Spring down the hill. Buds still closed on the Aspens on Shadow Mountain. At least up here. Pneumonia vaccine. Second shingles vaccine. 40 minutes on the treadmill before class yesterday. A week or so to heal the contusions from my fall last Monday.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Hawai’i

Tarot: Page of Stones, Lynx


Felt sluggish yesterday. Think the two vaccines I got on Monday stimulated my defenses. A good sign. Took me a while to tumble to that.

Needed my nap, but had two classes. Astrology, then Kabbalah. I’m running out the clock on these two. Though. The Astrology piece seems like it’s beginning to make some sense. This is very much an up and down time for me with these two topics of study. Kabbalah seems removed pretty far from me. Especially Sefer Yetzirah. The class interests me because its complex and abstruse. Not really enough for me right now.


Had a salmon dinner at Robbie’s house yesterday. She wanted to know about my spiritual journey and to talk about compassion which she’s featuring in some consulting work she’s doing. Nice to get out and be in someone else’s home, a cooked meal by someone else’s hand. Robbie is a CBE’r and a mussar person.

Maybe was her cat. Because maybe they would keep her. Gracie, her thirteen year old dog. A shepherd sized mix.


Drawing two from the suit of Stones seems right to me. Stones is the Wildwood equivalent of pentacles or coins. The earthy suit, focused on life here and now. Life has shifted to this-worldly pursuits for now. Back to exercise. The body emphasis of both the Knight and Page of Stones. A Mediterranean diet which I’m pleased to say has begun to happen for me. A focus on completing the remaining work around the house.

Even acting class is in the here and now. Emotions and learning expressed through the body and voice. Not abstract conversation.

Melancholy seems to have lifted. Short duration. Related to pain mostly.


Looking forward to some time in Hawai’i. Just when will depend on house sitters. Original dates already knocked out. We’ll see. Not in a hurry to decide. Being with Joe and Seoah the main attraction though Hawai’i, even Oahu, is a big draw as well. Haven’t been anywhere since my trip out there last June after Kate died. Also looking at some short road trips.






Posted in Aging, Astrology, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Health, Kabbalah, Shadow Mountain, Tarot, Travel | Leave a comment

A Change in the Mind

Beltane and the Beltane Moon


Tuesday gratefuls: Dead Mouse. Felix in the Odd Couple. A lawyer in View From the Bridge. Dinner at Robbie’s early. Back much better. Melancholy. Back. The Sun. My Rocky patch of Mother Earth. Kate fertilized Iris pushing up into the Light. Kep. A real sweetheart. Happy to see me last night when I came home from acting class.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: A script

Tarot: Knight of Stones, Horse

” Healthy activity and independence adorn your path.  Boldness, pride, and love for the land lead you… Let the Horse take you away.

Mentally, you may suddenly find yourself overwhelmed for no specific reason. You can try to control each issue at a time. You are going through a mental change when this happens. Remember that you change for the better.”


Suddenly overwhelmed. As the Knight of Stones says. A response to exhaustion from Saturday, then last night. An hour late getting to bed because of acting class. Still a bit achy from the fall. Body not quite right. Exercised hard yesterday as well.

Melancholy. Things bite that wouldn’t have a week ago. Shorter fuse. Not my favorite state of being, but one that recognizes a truth. I’m going through a change, maybe the one I’ve been seeking, that new life I’ve perseverated about.

Lots of clues. The Inner Work of Aging reading. This reply from my oncologists about my future.* That fall. The house nearing completion, Vince on tap for some more work inside and out. The acting class. Wondering if I’d be able to learn lines. My waning interest in kabbalah and astrology. Reluctance about travel.

Mortality behind me. Mortality ahead of me.


Got cast as Felix in the Odd Couple for a scene with Alan. And as a lawyer in a scene from Arthur Miller’s A View From the Bridge. This is scene study, the purpose of the class. It helps us develop an approach, a process for taking on a role. It was fun, but when I had to improv the Odd Couple scene, I felt out to sea. Like my memory had deserted me. Not true, yet it added a layer to the melancholy coming on the night air.

After the class I stepped off a high curb, unlit, stumbled, hit a sewer cover, and tripped. Righted myself. With a quick FUCK! Another vulnerability message. Pay more attention at night, Charlie.

An inner journey underway, headed to the shadow side on Shadow Mountain.


*You have had a great response to Orgovyx/Erleada combo thus far and could continue this way for years to come. Individual response varies incredulously. Regardless, there are a multitude of additional modalities beyond this to treat you. I believe you could live 10+ years but in what state of health is hard for me to say because I am also not as privy to the rest of your medical history as your primary care.” Kristie


“I agree with Kristie. You are responding quite well and we still have plenty of ammunition unused for the future if needed. And we continue to make great progress with time. So for now you are good. What happens years from now we don’t know…so it is possible this does effect your longevity, but I am not willing to say that for sure at this time.” Dr. Eigner

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