Health, Politics

Plans

Leave a comment

Mary and I have a plan. When I’m able to get back to my exercise routine, cardio and resistance, and when that shows I can drive, be independent again (keeping Melissa), it will be time for her to head south. Way south. Melbourne.

How long will that take? Unclear right now. We’re going to talk with Carol, physical therapist, this morning, see what she thinks.

I have improved, gotten better. I can walk, unaided. I feel stronger, more able. Still a long way to go, but the trajectory is up. More food. M & M. Mary and Melissa. Regular walks. A changed inner weather.

Tomorrow. Actinium 225. Coursing through my veins. Delivering alpha radiation to my tumor cells. One of the nurses will open a lead lined box. The thimbleful of liquid contained there delivers enough radiation to kill or shrink many tumors.

Wait an hour as a precaution, then head back into the Front Range. Up to Shadow Mountain Home. Stay two feet away from other mammals. Police anything that might be radioactive. One week. Powerful stuff.

Continuing to treat my stage 4 cancer.

 

The cage match has finished. Something got signed by the U.S. and Iran. Dopy turned 80. 250 years of the U.S.A. A big Washington week. The ironies and paradoxes have come too fast. Improbable. Inconceivable as Wallace Shaw once said.

Meanwhile oil has many pressure points. Opening the Straits. Shuttered refineries going through the expensive process of restarting. Ships confined to ports. Oil in long transit. Various reserves need refilling. Unfulfilled contracts. Jet fuel use high in busy summer travel season. It’ll be a while before prices return to pre-war levels. Maybe late in 2027.

This war has staying power.

Fourth Phase, Health, Politics

Peace?

Leave a comment

BJ looked at a lot of houses yesterday. She and Pammy working through the web of matters that create an interstate move. Good luck to them. Not easy.

Feeling better each day. Still need the improvement that comes only with regular exercise. My walking ability, sharpened on our driveway, proves I have the capacity. Mary, I think, may be the key here.

Cool again this morning. Slept very well.

A peace framework which puts the Straits of Hormuz back to the status they held pre-war. So, no gain there. Nuclear program of Iran to be considered in future talks. So, no gain there. A 60 day cease fire. We already had one. So, no gain there.

With these kind of victories we’ll soon be a colony of Great Britain again.

Did you watch the cage match?  No, not the mighty Dopy against the Iranian crusher. I mean the literal cage match that will be better remembered as a footnote to a ruinous administration. Nope? I didn’t either.

Shadow Mountain out.

 

Family, Health, Politics, US History

MMA

Leave a comment

Low 40’s last night. I slept well. Sunny and cool this am when BJ, who came last night, set out to look at 6 more houses.

Mary has had an allergy flare-up. No fun. A cough, too.

I’m feeling incrementally better. I’m told I look better which makes me wonder how I looked before. PSA still high. Guess the petscan two weeks from now will tell the tale.

Still very weak, but a bit of improvement from more moving around.

On June 14th, 1777 the second Continental Congress passed a resolution defining a national flag. The design has lasted.

I can’t even. I mean, come on. Where’s Jackie and her rose garden? Or, Lady Bird Johnson beautifying America? In their place: boorish thuggery. MMA=Miss My America.

Cooking, Health, Politics

Ready to rumble. On the White House lawn?

Leave a comment

Two days post-4 hour infusion. Tara thought I looked better. Didn’t feel much different. After a call to have my potassium chloride prescription sent, Melissa retrieved it. Any horse would choke on them. I mean, big.

Melissa made chili. Real good chili. Made me feel like it was fall. Pom-poms. Tail gating. Cornbread muffins, too.

Next week Wednesday my second infusion. I’m in much better shape this time around. Not looking forward to the post-infusion protocols. Who wants to be an agent of potential harm to loved ones?

This is the J. Alfred Prufrock way of life. Instead of coffee spoons, my life measures itself through infusions, scans while nurses come and go, haunted by Michelangelo.

Flag day tomorrow. The Toad Prince’s birth celebrated by violence and mayhem. I’d go with prison orange and chains, but that’s me.

A peace treaty or a ceasefire or an agreement on the steps necessary to get or renew either of them. Yes, says mayhem man. Maybe says agent of Iran.

Weather delightful on Shadow Mountain.

Family, Health

Infused

1 Comment

A very odd day. Although I’ve had cancer a long time, until yesterday I’d never been in an infusion center. Chemotherapy comes last in prostate cancer protocols.

Yesterday I stepped into a large room filled with large, lounging type chairs. Chairs had an i.v. pole next to them if a patient occupied it. Glass windows showed a blue sunny Colorado sky. A few folks sat next to the occupied chairs, holding a hand, knitting.

“I’m Melissa and I’ll be your nurse today.” Melissa was young, blonde, with an air of experience. “Pick any open chair you like.”

I chose a chair against the far wall. Isolated. Melissa inserted a butterfly i.v. in my left arm and connected me to a bag of saline solution preloaded with four aliquots of potassium. One aliquot requires an hour to deliver, drip by drip. Four aliquots, four hours. At 11:40 am the dripping began. It would not end until just past 4 pm.

Most of the chemo and other infusion patients stayed no longer than forty-five minutes, some far shorter than that. The infusion room filled and emptied several times over my four hours. Potassium has to be given slowly or it can affect your heart. Potassium chloride has a spot in many lethal injections. It stops the heart.

As the minutes and hours dripped away, I witnessed the treatment of so many cancer patients. Each patient embedded in a family, in a friendship network, their journey affecting others. The infusion signifies one step in the struggle to overcome, outwit an inner assassin.

When the saline bag finally emptied and my electronic controller gave its finished bleat, I raised my arm, “Winner, winner, chick dinner.” Happy to have finished the four hours and twenty minutes

Melissa unhooked me and wished Mary and me well. A sweet lady.

Health, Politics

Need Potassium

1 Comment

So. Oncology visit. Blood draw. Later in the day. Calling with test results. I thought: PSA. Testosterone. Nope. Potassium level. Critically low. 2.9.  An emergency. I sat up at that word.

You have to come in tomorrow for a four hour infusion of potassium. 11:40 appointment. Oh. First thought. How am I gonna get there? Still. Emergency. Heart related. OK. Call Tara first.

She said yes. Bless her. Probably Uber home. Mary will go with me.

Move forward. Head down. Stay calm. Working so far.

Didn’t sleep well. Up several times for the bathroom. A bit foggy this am.

Fun talking to Mary. She knows so much about Asia after 39 years in Malaysia and Singapore.

Closing in on Flag Day. The Toad Prince will have sat on 80 mushrooms. His big day will occur in “The Claw,” a cage match stadium built on the front lawn of our house. How low can we go?

Health, Politics

That Donald

1 Comment

Visit to the oncologist today. Rich Levine took me. Mary went along. Saw Christina. I got clearance for my second infusion, which was my goal. Success.

Three vials of blood later, I got to the lobby where Rich helped me fill out trial questionnaires. How bad is your dry mouth? Are you in pain?  Bad and no.

One appointment knocks me out for the day. More movement and interaction than I can handle.

Back home it was nap time. Shadow and I snuggled in for a long summer’s nap.

Meanwhile in the Middle East. A cage fight to determine the winner of the war. No. Wait. That’s the White House lawn. In the Middle East both sides sent missiles, drones, bombs toward enemy targets. Meanwhile saying, “The cease fire holds.” I don’t get that.

That Donald.

 

 

Family, Health, Politics, Shadow Mountain, Sport

A bullet proof terrarium

Leave a comment

Mary and I watched an episode of Grace on Britbox. Stars John Sims, a favorite of hers from the mind-twisting, post-modern Life on Mars.

She made a list of cleaning supplies. I ordered them and Melissa will pick them up. Not sure what she means to clean since she’s done nothing else for the last few days. But, go Mary.

 

So the Toad Prince glared out of his bullet-proof terrarium as the Spurs extended the finals by beating the Knicks in the Garden. Didn’t protect him from the boos.

 

Meanwhile on Shadow Mountain I grow a bit stronger each day. First working session of PT today. Looking forward to gradually regaining some strength. OT on Thursday.

Ruth’s coming up today. Her surgery is tomorrow. It will shorten her too long ulna which has caused her a lot of pain. This past weekend she returned from her week long stint as a camp counselor in Wasilla, Alaska. A camp for hemophiliacs.

Shadow loves the sunny, low-70s days. Lounging. Barking at intruders. Coming in only to go back out.

 

 

Dogs, Family, Health, Politics, Shadow Mountain

Abe wept

Leave a comment

Looks as though winter has given way to summer, transiting from low 40’s night time to high 50’s. Spring sprang, retreated, and never returned. The vagaries of climate-change inflected mountain weather.

Mary continues her clean sweep (literally) of all my cabinets. Madam librarian brings order out of kitchen chaos. I have not yet seen her work. Soon.

Meanwhile my muster dog goes out and in, in and out. She’s a sweet presence in my life, affectionate and mostly calm.

Have now completed the length of my driveway and back. Ready for my appointment. I’ll walk in. Walk to the phlebotomist and to Christina’s office. Oh, yeah!

The angle of my recovery has increased a bit, gains coming faster. A virtuous circle of eat more, do more, eat more. May it continue.

In my day (ha) Gillette sponsored fight night. Now its POTUS. With ceremonial weigh-ins at the Lincoln Memorial. Jesus and Abe wept.

Family, Fourth Phase, Health, Shadow Mountain

Mattering

2 Comments

A visit from my rabbi.

A month ago, not sure if I would ever feel better, I asked Jamie to come see me. At the time I’d had thoughts of dropping out of the trial, going into hospice. Tired of all of it. Feeling sick. Life on the line with unproven drugs. Too. Much.

By the time we synched our calendars a month had passed. A month in which I hired a housekeeper, started getting better nutrition, sleep. I was no longer feeling from a mood of weariness.

I wondered now about my purpose in these last years of my life? Jamie told me of some material he’d been reading about mattering. I found it intriguing. Here’s a quick Gemini summary:

  • Significance (or Importance): Feeling seen, essential, and having the small things about you remembered by others.
  • Appreciation (or Recognition): Being valued strictly for who you are, rather than exclusively for what you achieve.
  • Investment (or Ego Extension): Knowing that others are genuinely invested in your well-being and that you are mutually invested in theirs.
  • Dependence (or Reliance): Having people in this world who safely trust and rely on you, without overextending you.
  • Attunement: The feeling that you are worthy of being understood and responded to meaningfully by your community. [1, 2, 3]

I like this because it wraps the question of purpose-self extended outward-in a broad context which includes family, community, and the inner experience of being human. And, in particular for me right now, it shows that purpose can be showing others that they matter.

Not, imh, strikingly new or revolutionary, yet a full advance over achievement and accumulation as life’s purpose. Also, it does not denigrate those, rather it sets them in what seems to me their appropriate context.

I’m focused now on mattering, especially the ways I can help you, reader, know that you matter.

On a health note I have walked unaided almost the full length of my driveway and back. Mary is my wingwoman in case I falter.

Mary has been a kind and helpful presence since she got here. Setting herself things to do like eliminating expired food, cleaning the fridge, and all my kitchen cabinets. Most of all she has come, showed up as my friend Paul likes to say. Family at its best. She matters to me.