Fourth Phase, Friends, Health, Judaism, Politics, Shadow Mountain, US History

UFC Freedom 250

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May winter. 35 degrees this am. Rain. A chilly, somewhat wet week ahead. A delight with cool nights. As if May knew what we’d missed and decided to make up for winter’s puny showing.

My good friend Tom’s visit is over today. Back to Minnesota. When he comes, we talk of matters both profound and humorous. Tom and I have been Woollies for the same amount of time, ritually welcomed together at Valhelga. Old friends.

He remarked yesterday on the strong bonds Kate and I formed with others at Congregation Beth Evergreen. Moving the fridge. Alan’s cinnamon rolls. Tara’s visits with Eleanor. Ginny and Janice including me in their family. Rich. Jamie. Part Judaism. Part the folks we got close to.

Thinking over my fall. Believe I might have briefly passed out from the hypotension. Probably triggered the fall. I’ve made modifications including sitting on the edge of the bed before I get up. Helps.

I’m at another hinge point. I need some p.t., some other help or I’m on a downward slope. The actinium trial is my last stand. If it doesn’t produce good results, I don’t imagine I’ll sign up for any more treatments. Too tired. Too weary of the fuss and bother. I suppose hospice would make sense then.

This trial is far from over. I’ve had one treatment out of eight. No telling results till number 4 or so. It may yet yield lowering of my PSA and my tumor burden. We’ll see.

This is, for me at least, not bad news. I accept where I am, what the situation is. No life goes on forever.

An NYT journalist went to four Chinese cities during the recent Trump visit and asked residents what they thought of Dopy Don. “Brutal” and “Unfriendly” lead their answers. I read this article, then turned on my TV to a Paramount ad for a major UFC event. Clips featured MMA fighters kicking each other in the head, punching and grappling. UFC Freedom 250. Location? The Whitehouse! June 14th.

Brutal. Unfriendly. Not to mention embarrassing.

Fourth Phase, Friends, Health, Shadow Mountain

Here and Now

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Sleeping and visiting. A quick note to say: still here.

Tom’s visit has been as always heartfelt and intimate. Ancient Brothers this morning on the feminine. Also heartfelt and intimate.

More tired than usual.

Marilyn Saltzman’s grandson, Deion, and his friend Eric, moved my dorm fridge from the loft to my bedroom. Ordered a microwave. Reduce trips up the stairs.

 

Cooking, Friends, Health, Shadow Mountain

A Day

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Melissa came yesterday. She made shrimp corn chowder, grilled beef ribs (from her grill), breakfast burritos, a blueberry and a strawberry parfait, and carne asada with potatoes and veggies. In addition to other chores like moving the trash into the garage (bears).

She has a mini-Cooper convertible. Driving it with the top down is one of her favorite things.

Sue Bradshaw called, following up on our telehealth visit. She’s taking conscientious care of me. Offered to bring a bread basket by.

Last night got up for the bathroom. Felt light headed. Tripped on my shoes getting back into bed. A small cut and large bruise on my forearm. Fell onto the bed, but scraped my arm on my nightstand.

One of the downsides of living alone. Tough to clean and bandage something with one hand.

Beautiful spring weather up here on Shadow Morning. Sunny, low seventies, trees leafing out.

I am feeling gradually better. To get much further I need some p.t. Soon.

Well, it’s a sunny day in the neighborhood and my good friend Tom is in town. Looking forward to spending time with him.

Fourth Phase, Health, Shadow Mountain, Writing

Dopy Don

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Good Morning, Ancientrails! (think Robin Williams)

My new normal: limited movement, O2 more often. Weak and tired. Not a happy place. Yet. It represents part of the slow recovery from the difficulties of the last month.

I hope some p.t. will increase my stamina and strength. Any improvement would be welcome.

Irv and Marilyn, Selam and Mocha came for lunch yesterday. Mocha and Shadow played during our meal. Selam is Irv and Marilyn’s granddaughter. 16.

They brought baked salmon, Saltzman Caesar salad, and an Irv baked apple pie. His grandma’s recipe.

Shadow shows a sweet level of concern, coming close to me in bed, her brown eyes focused on mine. What a gift.

Bad sleep last night. Hope to catch up this morning. At least some.

Saw Trump slouched in a Beijing banquet chair looking every year of his age. Sleepy Joe and Dopy Don. Can’t believe he represents us. China may see itself as the dominant power while we try to figure out what happened.

You, my friends, get me up in the morning. Thank you.

Fourth Phase, Health

Weary

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OK. I’m running on empty. Each small movement taxes my muscles. Even lifting a water glass. Makes me want to do little. Too tiring.

Mental energy even lower. Ordered groceries online. Think I’d been running a marathon.

Talked with Sue Bradshaw, PCP. She’s going to arrange in home p.t. and occupational therapy. Mt. Evans Hospice. She makes me feel safe. Her caring heals.

Today Marilyn and Irv are bringing lunch. Right now the thought of it wears me out. Not the best situation for greeting friends.

This is my limit for today. Manana.

Fourth Phase, Health

Proof of Life

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Spring and the Trial Moon

Tuesday gratefuls: Alan. Caramel Rolls. His weight loss. A thespian. MVP. Tara and Marilyn. Joanne. Jamie. Rich.

Rene Good and Alex Pretti. Say their names,

Sparks of Joy and Awe: MVP

 

Kavannah:  Zerizut.  Zest and Zeal. Enthusiasm. Risking a gray, homebound life. Need a push. Good for another week. Still at risk.

Tarot: paused

One brief shining: MVP here again last night. Wore me out. Slept till 7:30. Yet, tired. This is all I have energy for right now.

Family, Fourth Phase, Friends, Judaism, Shadow Mountain

Enough

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Spring and the Trial Moon

Monday gratefuls: The Ancient Brothers. Safety. May. Spring. The beauty of the Lodgepoles. The Aspens leafing out. BJ and Pammy.

Rene Good and Alex Pretti. Say their names,

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Mac and cheese

 

Kavannah:  Zerizut.  Zest and Zeal. Enthusiasm. Risking a gray, homebound life. Need a push. Good for another week. Still at risk.

Tarot: paused

One brief shining: I pull out mac and cheese. Plate it and warm it. Perhaps a frittata instead. No? A drumstick, blueberries and strawberries. Maybe. Having a refrigerator stocked with ready to eat food. Melissa, my visiting angel.

 

Visiting Angels. A palliative care nurse. A social worker. Melissa. Maddie. Used to be Rachel. My home team. They care about me and I appreciate it.

My friends at CBE. Visiting me. Giving me rides. Ruth coming up to cook for me. Tom and Paul’s visits. I’m a lucky guy. Family coming. Mary. Mark. Joe and Seoah. Ginny and Janice, chosen family.

Alone, but not lonely.

It may be, probably is, that these relationships are my purpose now. Staying in touch. Visits. Zoom calls. Enlivening and being enlivened. Seeing and being seen.

Perhaps this has always been true. I-Thou over the I-Its of career, striving.

Yes. If I-Thou extends to the wild realms, to dogs and cats, to the wonder of the light-eaters, then I say yes. More than skill. More than income. More than knowledge. More than status or power.

The simple, everyday magic of loving and being loved. A hug. A gift of a smile, a kind glance. The warmth of another’s hand. Bedrock for all of life.

 

 

Dogs, Family, Fourth Phase, Health

A New Normal

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Spring and the Trial Moon

Sunday gratefuls: BJ and Pammy, Ahi tuna salad. Torah study. Ginny. Luke. Steve. Jamie. Frittatas. Actinium. My sweet Shadow.

Rene Good. Alex Pretti. Say their names.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Artemis

 

Kavannah:  Zerizut.  Zest and Zeal. Enthusiasm. Risking a gray, homebound life. Need a push. Good for another week. Still at risk.

Tarot: paused

One brief shining: Here’s how it goes. I get up, let Shadow out. I start to write. She comes back in and gets two dried minnows. Plays with her tire, her nyla bone, her lobster. I write until 6 am rolls around. Prozac in a pill pouch. A cup plus of dogfood. I sit, write. She eats, drinks. Outside again, then back in. Minnows.

 

Shadow and I have our routines. When I nap, she naps. At night I say the shema, turn on my oxygen concentrator, and Shadow scoots in, waits until I’m in bed, then jumps up and positions herself. A day.

Her arrival day is February 4th. When Ginny and Janice and I drove up to Granby, just beyond Winter Park. The Granby shelter had this small fluff ball. Who came home with me. The past year and a quarter have had their ups and downs. Which make our routines precious. We have both struggled to stay together.

BJ and Pammy got here around 3 pm. First time I’ve seen Pammy since her transition. She has a full female figure now. “I’m living my best life,” she said.

They’re looking at houses. May move here if they find something they like. Idaho has passed restrictive laws for transgender persons. Even so they’d prefer to stay in Driggs. A conflicted time for them.

I continue to improve. Keep forgetting the head drop. I imagine I can get up and do things like I used to. Nope. I tire quickly. Upstairs to the fridge requires a sit down.

Not my preferred way of living but as a friend of mine’s sister said: This is my new normal.

 

Cooking, Fourth Phase, Health, Shadow Mountain

Trending

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Spring and the Trial Moon

Friday gratefuls: Mac and cheese. Melissa. Her hard work. Lunch. Better sleep. Reading. Emergence. Lodgepoles.

Rene Good. Alex Pretti. Say their names.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: The Moon

 

Kavannah:  Zerizut.  Zest and Zeal. Enthusiasm. Risking a gray, homebound life. Need a push. Good for another week. Still at risk.

Tarot: paused

One brief shining: A healthy helping of homemade mac and cheese. Strawberries and blueberries. Lunch made by Melissa. Food improved. A lot. One piece of the returning to better health puzzle. Sleep another. Plus, as Kate said, the tincture of time.

 

Yes, I’m feeling better. No longer whacked out. Gut calm. Decent sleep. A start. Feels good to not feel bad.

The path to peak health in the fourth phase can be tricky. Quiet this ailment. Treat the cancer. Deal with muscle and stamina loss.

I’m far from it. The most recent insult has taken a positive turn. Trending in the right direction.

Melissa has taken a lot of pressure off me. Laundry. Dishes. Making food. Prepping the guest room. Trash. Picking up and putting away groceries. Getting the mail. Glad both she and Visiting Angels are in my life.