Category Archives: Shadow Mountain

Fourth Phase, Health, Shadow Mountain

Twisty

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Life has gotten a little twisty. I want to move. But. I need the Long Term Care policy to activate first. Problem: to activate it I need to require assistance with two ADLs, activities of daily living. I do need assistance now with showering. That’s one ADL. Coming up with a second one? Not so much.

In this case you get penalized for retaining your independence. Not a great system of reward and benefit. Not sure where this leaves me. I knew all of this when I contacted Robin of Spacewranglers and the realtor, Matt Bachus. I knew it when I put down money to hold the one-bedroom unit.

The piece I didn’t know was this: not being able to cook and having a person’s assistance with all that entails does not count as an ADL. It’s an instrumental activity, whatever that means. Joseph was sure it was an ADL and I listened to him without checking. My bad. It sure seems like needing assistance in getting food should qualify which is why I didn’t question Joe. He was being logical in an illogical situation.

Anyhow. I’ll figure out a solution. May mean staying here on Shadow Mountain a while longer. Not a terrible result.

I’m in a gray zone between full independence and needing enough help to trigger the policy. Weird.

 

Speaking of weird. Interesting headline in today’s NYT: In Iran, The U.S. Appears Headed for a Strategic Defeat, Allies Fear. Gee. Vietnam. Afghanistan. Not a great track record since the 1960’s. It’s hard to be an effective imperialist today, eh?

Which leaves us with a question, how would a defeat in Iran play in our current domestic politics? I’m not sure. You would think, since Iran belongs solely to Trump, that he and his party would suffer in the upcoming mid-terms. May it be so.

But Trump has a way of wiggling out of responsibility if things have gone sour. Let’s hope that won’t work in this case.

Family, Fourth Phase, Friends, Health, Shadow Mountain, Weather +Climate

Back At It

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A cool morning on the mountain. Another Colorado blue sky and sun day ahead. Lughnasa and Mabon, the harvest period of the Great Wheel, make 16 weeks of often Goldilock’s weather. Not too hot, not too cool. Some precipitation, but not too much.

That is. This period used to be like that. Still can be, of course, but more and more what would have been mid-Summer heat intrudes. As does smoke from the burning boreal forests of Ontario. We’ve missed the mark. By a lot.

Been having a fun haiku experience with Joanne Greenberg. She suggested a haiku conversation. She writes one and sends it to me. I have to use the sense of the last line in mine. Back and forth.

My profound weakness continues to surprise me. Getting up from the bed is a challenge, even when using both arms for leverage. Same with my chair. It’s easy for me to overdo. Crossing the room to get a book, or let Shadow outside, can make me glad to sit down.

In spite of that I feel good. Engaged. Called a realtor yesterday. Lined up Robin of SpaceWranglers to oversee the process of clearing out the house. She helped me when I thought about a move to Hawai’i. Trustworthy.

I’m going to try to pull all this off in 60 days. Yesterday I put a 60 day hold on the one-bedroom at Elk Run. If I can’t get the house cleared and sold in that time; or, if we run into snags on the Long Term Care policy, I’ll probably have to stay here for the foreseeable future. Not a terrible prospect.

Got back in the saddle. Making those arrangements, paying some bills, getting my dues for CBE. Felt good to flex those muscles.

Mary will be here through August. Joe and Seoah plan to come in September. Hopefully I’ll be on my way to Elk Run by the end of that month.

 

 

Family, Fourth Phase, Shadow Mountain, Weather +Climate

A Full Clan Gathering

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The monsoons have come in full force, afternoon rain, the occasional thunderstorm. The mountains are green, Lodgepole needles, Aspen leaves, grasses and shrubs. Makes my heart glad.

A day, my first full day home, filled with people. Conversations throughout. My social battery hit empty in mid-afternoon, then went into over-depleted. Even so. Delighted to see Mark again. He’s leaving soon, possibly to D.C. or NYC before heading back to the sands of Araby.

With Mark, Mary, Joseph, and myself here we had the first gathering of the whole clan since Andover in 2011. Mary in Melbourne, Mark in Hafar, Joseph in Korea, and me on Shadow Mountain.  It’s not hard to understand why.

Joseph goes home tomorrow early. He’ll take a hotel room near the airport tonight. Without him and Mary the last month would have been problematic.

He’s got the insurance claim (long term care policy) underway, had my oxygen concentrators repaired, and collaborated with Mary on cleaning the downstairs.

His presence meant a lot to me. I needed him and he came, bringing his Lt. Col. skills and applying them to a fast changing and complex situation. My son, here and helping, helped me feel whole.

Mary had the foresight to recognize I was struggling and showed up willing to help. A selfless and kind thing to do.

Lucky to have both of them.

 

Family, Health, Shadow Mountain

Change of Venue

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When I went to bed last night, in my own bed, Shadow followed, jumped up and snuggled in next to me. It had been almost a month. I gathered her up in my right arm and hugged her. Good to be home.

Easier to sleep. Not going to the bathroom but using a urinal makes night time safer. Other modifications include a walker, less movement, a person listening while I shower. Unclear whether these will be permanent.

Joe contacted Allianz, carrier for my Long Term Policy, and initiated a claim. When I’m able to use this policy, a lot of financial matters will resolve. It would, for example, pay the cost of assisted living. A big help. Otherwise assisted living costs could make my margin each month thin.

Mark came up today. Tara and Ruth, too. Arjan came later. Melissa’s back, too. A full house with Mary and Joseph.

Assisted living is in my future. Might be a month or so, maybe later. A less fraught, more relaxed way of life. Shadow and I chillin’.

 

Family, Fourth Phase, Health, Politics, Shadow Mountain, Weather +Climate

Heat

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Final entry from my bed in room 103. Back into the stream of daily life without periodic checking of my vital signs, room service meals, and therapy with Margaret, Jenny, and Britinni. Though I’ve had a good experience I’m ready to leave rehab.

Still boggles my mind that I was at home on June 30th, then in the E.R. on July 1. In this hospital bed or that one until today, twenty seven days later. Must have been serious.

Joe and Mary worked hard over the weekend getting things ready for me. I’m excited to see what they’ve done.

We’re making a to go order from the Lazy Butcher for a homecoming meal. Barbecue, burgers, lots of Southern side dishes. Conveniently close to my doctors where I have to go for a bone strengthening shot after I leave here.

Joe has also arranged a tour of Elk Run assisted living at 3 pm. It will be my first time there. Elk Run is not far from the Life Care Center and is behind the synagogue. Their location in a place I know well matters to me.

 

Elsewhere the world is on fire. Wildfires make regular front page news. Trump gets mad at Canadian smoke and slaps on tariffs just because he can. Spain and France have major fires approaching Madrid and Bordeaux. Heat. Hotter.

Dopy Donald can’t find a path out of the Chinese finger puzzle he’s created for himself in Iran. I hope he finds something because this war is a plague on all of our houses.

 

Fourth Phase, Health, Shadow Mountain

Changed

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The success of rehab. Feeling ready for the transition. Going home. And, I do feel ready. A bit stronger, more mobile, feeling good.

How will it be at home? No way to know until I get there. Twenty-seven days after the E.R. All in medical facilities. A long time to be away from the familiar.

Life Care center’s rehab wing with its private rooms, quiet halls reminds me of Catholic retreat centers of the same modernist vintage. Going with that I’ve tried to use this as a time for reflection, for considering my life as it is now. Not as I wish it was, but as it is.

Frailer in body. Diminished in size. Fresh intimations of mortality in recent memory. Surrounded by friends and family. Visitors every day. My curiosity, my eagerness to learn if anything heightened by the alone time I’ve had in abundance this medical month.

I feel myself changed. Less beholden to previously unexamined life choices like needing to remain in the house. Keenly aware of life’s fragility. Even more grateful for the relationships I have.

As I feel changed, I also find myself open to change. It may come, maybe soon.

 

Fourth Phase, General, Health, Shadow Mountain

Turtling

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Since July 1st, the day I went to the emergency room, I’ve been turned inward: a turtle with head, legs, and tail tucked inside. At first this was self-protection from the shocks caused by disease and then by the efforts to keep me alive.

Later it was a response to severe disorientation brought on by being suddenly thrust into vulnerability, having my body managed by others. Blood draws. Pills. IV insertions. How quickly I became dependent. Lost agency.

Don’t get me wrong. These were necessary, even life-saving interventions. I’m deeply grateful to be here, able to write. Even so the sudden turn into patient, into bystander rocked my world. How quickly I adapted, gave in. That frightened me. Is this all it takes to lose my identity?

Twenty-three  days later, I’m on my way back. Yet I now need a walker, sometimes a wheelchair. The last three showers I’ve had a staff member doing much of the work. I’m contemplating a move to assisted living.

My sense of self has undergone a major transition. Independence is no longer a primary driver. Rather a focus now: my identity as a reader, a writer, a man of the arts. Less struggle with reality, more attention to core parts of who I am. Continuing and strengthening each precious relationship. Living for wonder, for awe. For a tactile spirituality.

I go home, not this weekend, but next Tuesday. Melissa will be there in the afternoon, ready to cook. Shadow will be there. Mary and Joseph, too. I’ll take a while to see how this feels from Shadow Mountain. I’ll decide my future later.

Family, Fourth Phase, Health, Shadow Mountain

Getting Buff

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Yesterday  I put pills in organizers as a test of my ability to manage my own meds. I passed.

Next I stood on plastic foam, spelling words with letters posted at random on the wall in front of me. Having to reach up and down to tap the letters tested my ability to balance. The plastic foam added to the difficulty. Hard.

Later I did squats, abductors, calf raises, leg extensions while standing. Wore me out.

O.T. and P. T. I feel good about my progress. We’ll see how it works at home.

Joe has several projects going. Checking on long term care insurance. Looking at assisted living places. Co-ordinating with Mt. Evans home health care. Finding out when I can restart my drug trial. Investigating a check engine light on Ruby.

Mary continues her clean up, spiff up work. She’s done so much. She came voluntarily and has stayed, steady, dogged. Familia.

 

 

 

 

 

Fourth Phase, Health, Shadow Mountain

Pulling My Head In

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Hot days in the mountains. Means scorchers down the hill. We can’t complain though when considering the heat dome and wildfire smoke that has troubled the east.

My room has remained in reasonable temperatures in spite of its morning sun exposure. I’m glad. Heat and I do not have a good relationship.

Waning days here at chez Life Care. Get as much therapy as possible. Going home. Each transition has had some level of anxiety for me. ICU to step down, step down to Life Care Center, now Life Care Center to home.

I’m still weak though I walk and move pretty well. Will continue rehab at home. How much my daily life will be affected I don’t know.

I’m grateful to so many for help over the last two weeks. Doctors. Nurses. Staff. Joe. Mary. Visitors. It takes a village, always.

I’ve not yet recovered from pulling my head all the way into my shell. Interacting with others has been hard, most of my ability to do that spent in encounters with medical and rehab folks. Little left over.

I will get back to my old routines. Maybe another week or so.

Fourth Phase, Health, Shadow Mountain

Changes

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Got into O.T. early yesterday. Forgot to write.

I’m in my last week at Life Care rehab. Go home Sunday. At that point Mt. Evans home-health care takes over. A lot less frequency.

Questions. Stay at home. What I prefer. Assisted living? Maybe. Shadow. The house. Not ready right now to answer these questions.

Life Care center rehab has been a good fit. Caring staff, close to home, decent rooms. A soft landing after I crashed and burned at St. Anthony’s E.R. Needed it.

A transformation of some kind is underway. What it will be I do not know. Stay tuned.