Category Archives: Shadow Mountain

Family, Health, Politics, Shadow Mountain, Sport

A bullet proof terrarium

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Mary and I watched an episode of Grace on Britbox. Stars John Sims, a favorite of hers from the mind-twisting, post-modern Life on Mars.

She made a list of cleaning supplies. I ordered them and Melissa will pick them up. Not sure what she means to clean since she’s done nothing else for the last few days. But, go Mary.

 

So the Toad Prince glared out of his bullet-proof terrarium as the Spurs extended the finals by beating the Knicks in the Garden. Didn’t protect him from the boos.

 

Meanwhile on Shadow Mountain I grow a bit stronger each day. First working session of PT today. Looking forward to gradually regaining some strength. OT on Thursday.

Ruth’s coming up today. Her surgery is tomorrow. It will shorten her too long ulna which has caused her a lot of pain. This past weekend she returned from her week long stint as a camp counselor in Wasilla, Alaska. A camp for hemophiliacs.

Shadow loves the sunny, low-70s days. Lounging. Barking at intruders. Coming in only to go back out.

 

 

Dogs, Family, Health, Politics, Shadow Mountain

Abe wept

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Looks as though winter has given way to summer, transiting from low 40’s night time to high 50’s. Spring sprang, retreated, and never returned. The vagaries of climate-change inflected mountain weather.

Mary continues her clean sweep (literally) of all my cabinets. Madam librarian brings order out of kitchen chaos. I have not yet seen her work. Soon.

Meanwhile my muster dog goes out and in, in and out. She’s a sweet presence in my life, affectionate and mostly calm.

Have now completed the length of my driveway and back. Ready for my appointment. I’ll walk in. Walk to the phlebotomist and to Christina’s office. Oh, yeah!

The angle of my recovery has increased a bit, gains coming faster. A virtuous circle of eat more, do more, eat more. May it continue.

In my day (ha) Gillette sponsored fight night. Now its POTUS. With ceremonial weigh-ins at the Lincoln Memorial. Jesus and Abe wept.

Family, Fourth Phase, Health, Shadow Mountain

Mattering

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A visit from my rabbi.

A month ago, not sure if I would ever feel better, I asked Jamie to come see me. At the time I’d had thoughts of dropping out of the trial, going into hospice. Tired of all of it. Feeling sick. Life on the line with unproven drugs. Too. Much.

By the time we synched our calendars a month had passed. A month in which I hired a housekeeper, started getting better nutrition, sleep. I was no longer feeling from a mood of weariness.

I wondered now about my purpose in these last years of my life? Jamie told me of some material he’d been reading about mattering. I found it intriguing. Here’s a quick Gemini summary:

  • Significance (or Importance): Feeling seen, essential, and having the small things about you remembered by others.
  • Appreciation (or Recognition): Being valued strictly for who you are, rather than exclusively for what you achieve.
  • Investment (or Ego Extension): Knowing that others are genuinely invested in your well-being and that you are mutually invested in theirs.
  • Dependence (or Reliance): Having people in this world who safely trust and rely on you, without overextending you.
  • Attunement: The feeling that you are worthy of being understood and responded to meaningfully by your community. [1, 2, 3]

I like this because it wraps the question of purpose-self extended outward-in a broad context which includes family, community, and the inner experience of being human. And, in particular for me right now, it shows that purpose can be showing others that they matter.

Not, imh, strikingly new or revolutionary, yet a full advance over achievement and accumulation as life’s purpose. Also, it does not denigrate those, rather it sets them in what seems to me their appropriate context.

I’m focused now on mattering, especially the ways I can help you, reader, know that you matter.

On a health note I have walked unaided almost the full length of my driveway and back. Mary is my wingwoman in case I falter.

Mary has been a kind and helpful presence since she got here. Setting herself things to do like eliminating expired food, cleaning the fridge, and all my kitchen cabinets. Most of all she has come, showed up as my friend Paul likes to say. Family at its best. She matters to me.

Family, Health, Politics, Shadow Mountain

Mary. Dopy.

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Shadow has had her breakfast. Mary’s awake. Shadow Mountain coming into the morning.

Mary got a lift with a car service. Arrived around 5:30, looking fancy. She came bearing a delicious meal with prosciutto, cheese, and crackers. We ate as we discussed her trip so far. She has an open ticket, can stay as long she wants. She’s come to help in any way she can.

Carol, my physical therapist from Mt. Evans, talked me into trying a cervical collar. It will provide support, help me with the strain on my back from the head drop. Not sure about it, but the soft collar was not working.

Weather continues cool and rainy. Good sleeping last night.

I think eating regular meals has begun to help. I can walk a bit further, don’t feel as tired. Stopping the abiraterone and the prednisone helped, too. Feeling confident.

Meanwhile in Dopyland. The war. Iran. Over so fast. Not. Cease fire? Not so much. Dopy hits them. They hit back. Federal Housing Finance Director makes next logical career move to acting director of National Intelligence. More pics of Trump vanity project, the Triumphal Arch. Oh, boy.

Best headline about Trump. Ever. Goes to Brett Stephens for: President Ozymandias.

 

Cooking, GeekWorld, Health, Mountains, Shadow Mountain

Door

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New microwave. A compact that fits on top of my dorm fridge. First use. Heated macaroni. Then. The door wouldn’t open. The LED read, unhelpfully, door. Had to unplug it, plug it back in to retrieve my macaroni. A call today to the Sharp’s folks. I need a working unit.

P.t. starts tomorrow. Glad. My situation is not dire, but it could go there with another illness or an injury. Regular meals have not, so far, increased my weight. I know from experience with Kate that gaining weight can be as hard as losing it.

More imaging. Later this month. Oh, boy.

Weather, though often sunny, remains unseasonably cool. 44 this morning. Warmer starting tomorrow.

Luke and Leo, Gabe and Levi coming today. Gabe for his graduation gift. Luke and Leo for a visit.

Another day viewing the world from the top of Shadow Mountain. Across the way Black Mountain greens up:  lodgepole needles darker, aspen colonies fluttering new green leaves. Two mountains among the many that stretch over three thousand miles from British Columbia to New Mexico.

Greenhouse, Health, Plants, Shadow Mountain, Weather +Climate

This and that

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Heirloom tomato plants ok! The cold, I guess, would prevent them from producing, but I’ll have the heater working and that won’t be a problem. Relieved. So looking forward to a whole Black Krim or Brandywine. No taste like heirlooms off the plant. Will spoil you. No grocery store tomatoes again except for sauces.

My new goal. Walk to Artemis and back. Maybe get my hands in the soil. Turns out Mt. Evans p.t./o.t. lost two staff to emergency medical leave. No new patients until at least early June. Up to me. I’ve pushed myself so often over the past couple of years. Tired of it.

Didn’t make it to my oncology appointment. Realized I couldn’t walk unaided. Need a walker. Ordered one. May do telehealth. Bupathi took me off the trial pills, abriteraone. Prednisone, too. Hopes to help my fatigue. Get me back on my feet faster. May it be so.

Gabe graduates today. Two years after Ruth. He’s headed to the local Jesuit University, Regis, this fall. He’s leaving public school with momentum. Writing awards. A special girl. Go, Gabe. I will not be attending. See note about oncology appointment.

Rainy and chilly. 44 degrees. Memorial day in the past; Beltane a month underway. Only 24 days till the summer solstice. A real twist after our long, hot winter.

So. Is the war over? We strike. Iran retaliates. Peace negotiations stalled. Where is the great dealmaker? Probably at Mar-a-Lago adding pounds and playing rounds.

 

Fourth Phase, Friends, Greenhouse, Memories, Politics, Shadow Mountain, US History

Decoration Day

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Shabbat. Melissa came, drove Ruby to Mangy Moose Trail, and picked up my six heirloom tomato plants. Healthy and strong, straight out of the Heirloom Tomato Farm greenhouse.

Not sure if they’re gonna live. My heater didn’t keep them warm enough last night. 47 degrees. Way too cold for tomatoes. I’ll have to check on them today. A long walk in my current weakened condition. I do have the Inogen charged so I can carry my O2 concentrator.

If they’re ok, I’ll give them a drink. Artemis drawing me into movement. A good thing.

Janice planted the tomatoes. Coming back in occasionally with pictures. Sweet of her to do that.

Ginny, her partner, helped with thin skin wound treatment. She’s a nurse. And an opera singer. And a theater director. And a student of Torah and mussar.

Monday entry

Tanks wrinkling hot asphalt. Last year’s homecoming queen riding on the back of the realtor’s Cadillac convertible. The color guard wearing uniforms that fit them long ago, now bulging, showing a bit of white skin.

The Decoration Day parade in Alexandria. We waved tiny flags and cheered the baton twirlers. The whole town lined Harrison street, baby boomers like me still in elementary school.

The official start of summer. The pool in Beulah Park opened. I still remember the small pool of chlorine laced water we all had to step in before we could enter the swimming pool itself.

I skipped the long speeches and decorating of veterans graves. Pretty boring for an eight year old.

Long after I left Alexandria, Decoration Day became Memorial Day and shifted in time from May 30th to the last Monday in May. In my mind Memoria Day remains on May 30th as does the annual running of the Indianapolis 500. I still occasionally miss the Indy 500 for this reason.

School ended the week before Memorial Day and began again the day after Labor Day. It shocked me to learn that schools in Colorado routinely begin in mid-August. Seems cruel and unusual.

 

Dopy struggles his way toward a deal with the Iranians. Number one? Opening the Straits of Hormuz. Which weren’t an issue until we invaded. So Dopy brokers deal to solve a problem he created, one which was never listed as a war aim. Go, Team America!

 

Dogs, Fourth Phase, Friends, Garden, Greenhouse, Health, Politics, Shadow Mountain

Heirloom

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Today is a red vegetable day. I get my heirloom tomato plants from the Heirloom Tomato Farm. Rather, Melissa will get them for me. Still not up to an outing.

Gotta plug in the heater, warm up the greenhouse. 39 degrees, this morning’s temp, is way too cold for tomatoes. Ginny and Janice will get them planted today. Still pretty chilly through the next week though not this cool.

My Minnesota preference for cold weather now gives way to my gardener’s sensibility. Bring on the Beltane heat. Well, at least Beltane warmth. My mini-splits stand ready to cool the house if need be.

Tara came yesterday with Eleanor. Even though Eleanor’s twice plus her size Shadow initiates most of the rough and tumble, jumping up toward Eleanor’s front, paws out, all let’s play, let’s play, let’s play! They wear each other out.

Tara has worked hard between benai mitzvah classes on Zoom on the complicated logistics of their move to Costa Rica. Dog crates. Getting the house ready to rent. Selling, donating, throwing away decades of accumulated stuff. A lot.

The new microwave is here, ready to go on top of the small fridge. I’ll be able to retrieve my meals and warm them up without having to go upstairs. My recovery depends on two pillars: more and regular meals, a return to some level of exercise. Calories and protein, movement.

My recovery is in stasis right now. Not regressing, but not much forward movement either. There is this. As my body has healed, my mood and attitude have followed. I’m wanting to live, not just exist. Adjusting to my new reality requires challenging myself physically. Not there yet.

Hey, anybody heard about the Straits of Hormuz? How about that slush fund for insurrectionists? What? You’re focused on that “triumphal” arch? Me, I’m wondering if Wemby’s Spurs can takeout the Thunder.

 

Dogs, Family, Fourth Phase, Friends, Health, Shadow Mountain

Profound Weariness

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Ruth in Vegas. A friend of hers got tickets to K-Pop sensation BTS. Took Ruth along. Nice. Got a text from Ruth last night, Good night from Vegas!

Shadow’s winter coat blew out a month ago. But in this peculiar May it’s 31 degrees this morning. She doesn’t stay outside long until the day heats up.

Friend Scott says he and his wife, Yin, protest every Friday afternoon in Minneapolis. He joins a group of drummers. Yin, he says, “smiles down” each passing car. Yin’s in her eighties.

Meanwhile, here on Shadow Mountain, the aftermath of my five sick weeks continues. Now my O2 sats run consistently in the low eighties without oxygen. Means I’ll need to dig out Kate’s Inogen, a portable O2 concentrator, for trips outside the house.

Picture me with my neck brace and the Inogen slung over my shoulder, nasal canula in. Such a fine sight to see. I mean, geez.

My big challenge lies in my weakened muscles. Still no joy on the p.t. or o.t. I need to get working. Diane, my cousin, says I gotta move. She’s right. Too easy to sit it out. And, too damaging.

Deep funk, which I experienced starting in week 2 of my illness, has passed. A good thing. In it I found each new symptom a prelude to my death. I didn’t care. Just let it go, let it have its way.

Mostly came from a profound weariness with being a patient, a man of disease and pills. All ends. We know that. Why not now?

Because friends. Family. Shadow. Reading. Writing. The Mountains. CBE. Because life is already short enough.

Health, Politics, Shadow Mountain, Weather +Climate

A Good Day

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Yesterday. Felt like my old self. Agency, interest. Made calls. Ordered a new pillow and dog treats for Shadow. First time for a few weeks I’ve had some zip. Didn’t change, of course, my weakened physical condition, but I felt clear, my whole person awake and alert.

That does mean, too, that I’ve not felt that way for over five weeks. Tough to remain resilient when I can’t summon the mental energy to make phone calls.

Today I’ve reverted to the clouded, weary headspace. Writing this feels difficult, takes energy to type. Even so, a good day means I have that in me, still. As I eat more, get back to p.t., more will come.

Sent an e-mail to Jeffco courts. Sorry, I’m not able to be a juror. Confirmed by letter from Sue Bradshaw. I like jury duty. An important aspect of our democracy. Which I hold dear.

Three more cool nights then spring will break out on Shadow Mountain. We’ve had a saving round of precipitation in May. Unexpected and delightful. Also, a bit of winter in the year with no winter.

 

Meanwhile back in Dopy Don’s alternate universe $1.8 billion dollars awaits deserving applicants like those who suffered the federal governments successful prosecution over participation in the January 6th insurrection. Makes my head spin. Even the fund itself is shady. Everything Dopy Don touches has an immediate stench.