Category Archives: Health

Aging, assisted Living, Fourth Phase, Health, Shadow Mountain

Need

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Lasts. Last Thursday, Friday, Saturday on Shadow Mountain. Next to last visit from Melissa. Last meals. Joseph as the last guest. Ruth and Gabe coming up Sunday for their last visit here. Selling the last car I’ll ever own.

A change in address does not reveal the life change that made it happen. Shadow Mountain to Elk Run. Descending 1,600 feet. Permanently. But why?

In Maslow’s hierarchy of human needs, at the base of his pyramid, are the absolute necessities: oxygen, food, water. The second set of needs that come when those are met is safety: “The need for physical, emotional, and financial security, protection from harm, stability, and health.” Gemini

After my hospitalization I got shaken to my core. Weak and depending on others for essential activities, I lay in my bed in rehab. Nothing intruded except lunch, my next P.T. or O.T. session. No uncut grass. No need to make a meal. No worry about a wildfire forcing Shadow and me to flee. I liked that feeling, a decompression after five plus years managing on my own.

Maybe I don’t have to stay on Shadow Mountain? Before the pneumonia I wanted to leave Shadow Mountain in a hearse. Die in our bed. Remain in place until the end.

I never questioned this resolve. An expression of loyalty: to Kate, to Ruth and Gabe, to memory. A way of asserting my agency, my independence. Sovereignty over my life. A mountain man.

But then. Huh. I could live without that set of concerns? How would that work? In itself this insight about the option to live in a different way would not have jostled me loose. It was not the only motivator.

When I came home from rehab, I tripped and fell at the front door. Not a great start. As I lived into life at home after a full month in hospital beds, my level of weakness, of dependence on others added itself to my thinking.

I realized that once Joseph and Mary left, I would be alone. Something I had reveled in felt like a burden. I could no longer count on myself if I fell. Grew suddenly ill. What had been a mark of my aging, alone but not lonely, now had the feel of rationalization.

What did that mean? Projecting into life with only me in the house, I identified the source of dis-ease. Safety. I no longer trusted my physical safety, even with my Life Alert medallion.

That critical need could no longer be met alone. I did not feel safe, physically safe, living alone. No matter the memories. My living situation had to change.

On Wednesday, September 16th, it will.

 

Aging, assisted Living, Dogs, Fourth Phase, Health

A Morning at Elk Run

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Edging closer and closer to a new way of life. Assessment at Elk Run followed by a stack of legal documents requiring my signature. Lunch there, too.

Ginny and Janice got here around 9:15 on Tuesday. I was ready to go. Ginny brought up the walker, put it in their truck. They’re such sweet, kind women. Lucky to have them as chosen family.

At Elk Run Miguel, the executive director, met me at the door. Ginny handed my folders and phone to him and we went inside, the walker bumping on the metal riser, catching a bit. I felt odd using the walker again after so much time walking on my own.

Oops. Thought I finished this. Nope.

I imagined an infirmary setting, but no. He led me to the library. The library? My kinda place. Michelle, dressed in maroon scrubs pants and a cowboy/cowgirl themed top, smiled, offered me a seat in a wooden chair. She introduced herself as the director of health services.

She held a sheaf of paper. I have a lot of questions to ask you.

OK. The wooden chairs unforgiving seat ground against my bones. I’ll do my best. Post polio syndrome. Head drop. Metastatic cancer. Exercise.

We talked, too, about Shadow. The tattooed LPN who joined in just after we got started has an Australian Cattle dog, too. Name? Charlie. But wait. She changed his name to Charlie. His first name? Shadow.

After the assessment finished, Miguel came in and I signed a stack of legal documents and learned how to pay my bill. He offered lunch. Which I ate. Chicken Kyiv with a vegetable medley and pearled grain. Delicious.

Ginny and Janice came to pick me up. I slumped into the front seat exhausted.

assisted Living, Fourth Phase, Health, Mountains, Shadow Mountain, Wild Neighbors

Elk. Elk Run.

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A week from today is packing day. Yikes! Just kidding. I have confidence in Robin and in the work done up till now. We’ll be ready.

A week from tomorrow I’ll be outta here. Hard to imagine. Eleven years plus on Shadow Mountain. Living on a mountain peak. All downhill from here. Evergreen, for example, sits 1,600 feet lower at 7,200 feet. Should aid my O2 saturation.

Elk Run’s main road passes the Life Care Center and the synagogue before ending at the entrance to Elk Meadow Park. This huge open area remains an Elk dense area as it has, I imagine, for centuries. I’ve seen herds of hundreds in it. Not often.

As a result, the synagogue, Life Care Center, and Elk Run have numerous Elk Bulls, Cows, and Calves on their property. Eating grass. Lounging under a bright blue Colorado sky. I look forward to seeing them.

 

Over to Elk Run today for an assessment that will determine what services I’ll need upon moving in. Shower help. Light help dressing. Rides to appointments. A walker for Shadow. That’s what I think I’ll need. We’ll see.

I will also sign a contract for my stay and any other documents necessary. A full morning. Ginny and Janice pick me up at 9:30.

They came over yesterday. Luke was here, too. Great conversation, laughing. Leo, Luke’s 13 year old Belgian Malnois, creaked around on arthritic legs. In spite of them he wanted to play with Shadow. Great to see his inner puppy.

 

Meanwhile, Dopy Don breaks ground for his triumphal arch. Please let this be one that can be stopped.

assisted Living, Cancer, Family, Fourth Phase, Health

Tasks and Perennial Questions

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Organized money for the roof. Signing contract today. Work starts this week. Peak Window cleaning comes tomorrow AM. Getting the place in shape for listing this month.

Each day this month has tasks related to the Elk Run move. Yesterday and Friday address changes in addition to arranging the roof and the window cleaners.  Colorado DMV. Social Security/Medicare. Voter Registration. Fussy, often frustrating but so much easier online. Can you imagine doing this by snail mail or telephone?

More address changes and a first in a long time trip up to the loft today. Checking on the status of book pulling for volumes going to Elk Run.

 

Friday’s visit to the oncologist has me pondering existential questions. Death. Decline. Living fully. Where is my flourishing?

Philosophers talk about permanent questions. So do conservatives. “In philosophy and ethics, permanent questions (often called perennial questions) are the fundamental mysteries of human existence that never go away.” Gemini

These questions loom large during major transitions like moving to Elk Run. Getting a tough diagnosis. Death of a loved one.

Or when you enter your eighties. Charmingly known among some as the decade of death. Will be on my mind.

I miss talking with Mary over an early a.m. cup of coffee. She’s back in hot, humid Southeast Asia. In a week or so she’ll travel back to Melbourne where spring is springing.

 

Family, Fourth Phase, Health

The kids are ok.

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Ruth and Gabe came up yesterday. This September 4th, the third yahrzeit after Jon’s death in 2022, only a year after Kate’s. Glad they wanted to be here. They’re also sleeping over. Probably the last time.

They’ve been coming here for nearly eleven years. Ruth was 9 and Gabe 7 when we moved to Shadow Mountain. We wanted to be part of their lives. We were and I am.

A lot of good memories with them here. Sad ones, too. Family memories which include the full range of emotions. Grief over Kate and Jon’s death. Vega. Gertie. Rigel. Kepler. Joyful birthday and Hanukah celebrations. Thanksgivings. Just because weekends and sleepovers.

As they ate dinner, I said, “Wow. I have two college students here.” Yup, Gabe said. Gabe seems to have gained some traction at Regis. Smaller classes.

Ruth showed me the beautiful drawings she made of epithelial cells, muscle cells, cartilage. Study helps. They are beautiful, combining her first major, art, with her second, pre-med. Anatomy. Boring but necessary, heavy on memorization.

She’s also loving O-chem, a weed out class for pre-med students she says. Not for her. Kate loved organic chemistry and physical chemistry, another weed out class. Two bright women.

 

Forgot to say I walked into my oncology appointment. No walker. No cane. No stumbling or bumbling. Felt so good. Tiring, but not exhausting. I also got the seven vial treatment at my blood draw. Dark red blood pumping out of my left arm’s handy, findable vein. Into this vial, then the next.

Cancer, Dogs, Fourth Phase, Health

And you’re out

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Time for a Shadow report. Woke up last night and noticed that Shadow was up and, I thought, looking out the window. When I turned my head further I could see she was looking at me. Felt as if I’d intruded on a private moment.

Back to sleep. As I began to rouse for getting up I touched something. A paw. Shadow slept with her body tight against my pillow, her left hind leg splayed out upon it.

 

Back from then oncologist. I’m out of the trial. Too much time elapsed between today and my first (only) infusion of actinium. The irony. I went in six weeks or so ago, expecting to get my second infusion. My hemoglobin was too low at 9.5. Needed to be 10. Two weeks later I would have gone in for another potential infusion. Instead I spent 27 days getting over pneumonia. By then too much time had elapsed.

I’ll probably start on pluvicto sometime in the next month or so. It is similar to actinium but requires 72 hours of no human contact after an infusion.

Alan, a good friend, took me to the clinic.

 

 

assisted Living, Commentary on the news, Family, Fourth Phase, Health, Politics, Shadow Mountain

Sad News

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Gloria Steinman. Dead. She taught me so much. Through her writing and organizing, but more through the women she inspired. The ones I knew well.

It’s been a sad couple of weeks: Dolly Parton, Tim Curry, and the actor who voiced Optimus Prime. Figures who stood out: music, quirky acting, Transformer movies, and now feminist organizing. Even the idols of our youth are mortal.

I have, since early seminary days, considered myself a feminist. Gratitude to Gloria Steinman, Betty Friedan, and others who pushed second wave feminism onto the national stage. The personal is political.

 

More sad news. When Carol, my p.t. person from Mount Evans Home Health Care, came yesterday, she told me they were being shut down as of September 30th. That leaves us mountain folk with no access to in home physical or occupational therapy. Would have made my recovery much slower, especially when I was just out of rehab and very weak.

There is still physical therapy up here, but getting to it requires a car, a driver, and sufficient mobility. Many cannot meet those criteria. A rural life problem. Not unique to us, rather shared by people who live far from urban centers. Health care for any who live in spots where economy of scale works against them. A tragedy. At the most personal level.

 

Robin and Connie spent three hours packing books yesterday. Move preparation. Had a guy come up yesterday to inspect my roof, too. More sad news, I’ve got to replace my roof on the house and garage. Making it worse. Not enough hail damage. Meaning this will be an out of pocket expense. Yikes.

Ruth and Gabe will finish pulling books on Friday. They’re coming up to be with me on the anniversary of Jon’s death in 2022. This is the hard date for them. Ruth in particular since she found her dad dead on his basement couch.

I’ve not gotten word on when his yahrzeit will be remembered at Beth Evergreen, but they will probably come up then, too. Say kaddish with the worshippers.

 

Melissa now makes me a hot meal every weekday evening. A real treat. Last night. Hot sausage with baked beans and coleslaw followed by a baked apple dessert. Until a week from Friday.

Gutters get cleaned today. All windows washed on Monday. With new roofs? What a fine sight to see.

 

Aging, assisted Living, Family, Fourth Phase, Health, Shadow Mountain

Go figure

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Mary left for Houston. She’ll be visiting our cousin on the Ellis side, Libby Watkins. Mary loves Tex-Mex and has a favorite spot. On Friday she leaves for LAX where she boards Singapore Air.

She spent almost exactly three months. Cleaning the whole house one room at a time, then collaborating with Robin, helping with the move to Elk Run and general house clearing. Not to mention acting as a foster mom to Shadow. I’ll miss her.

By the time she returns to Melbourne in two weeks spring will be underway. If the weather gods grant us mercy, we’ll be feeling like fall.

By some paradox I’m stronger now than when Mary came. I had a tough time starting in April just before my trial infusion. It continued into May and early June when Mary arrived. Now, after pneumonia and the ICU, I’m mentally clear, exercising, and looking forward to the move. Go figure.

A summer of constant guests, friends, family. Busiest this house has been since we moved here. Played a role I imagine in helping my recovery. I also think the physical struggles of July: pneumonia and rehab forced me into a get better or really sink place.

Those struggles also cracked open my attitude about living alone. Even though I feel better than I have most of this year, I’m still very weak. Need a walker. Tire quickly. Can’t cook or move around the house. Not driving. Realized I wouldn’t feel safe on my own any longer. A bitter conclusion, yet true.

So… Elk Run.

Family, Fourth Phase, Friends, Health, Shadow Mountain, Travel, Weather +Climate

Farewell, auf wiedersehen

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Today Adrian leaves for Holland. Two days later Tara goes to Florida where she will store her Costa Rica luggage and fly to Barcelona for a family wedding. At that point only Mary will be left here. She leaves a week later. I’ll have two weeks of no one but Melissa unless I can make other arrangements.

I can walk up the stairs! I thought so. Tried and it was easy. That’s a milestone. So is my improvement in breathing. After pneumonia my breathing had been compromised. I use a spirometer and a clever device called a breathing muscle trainer.

The trainer has seven settings for inhalation, an equal number for exhalation. I breathe in, forcefully, through a small tube. The inhalation setting determines how easy or difficult it is. Then breathe out. 10x rest 10x.

Weather here has been cooler and wet with no wildfire smoke. Good sleeping, fire protection.

Marilyn and Irv come over tonight with food from Oyama, the sushi spot in Aspen Park. Marilyn and Tara have been close for many years. A farewell Shabbos dinner. Trump affects us.

Aging, assisted Living, Fourth Phase, Health

A Change Is Coming

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Pathway clear. Financial advisors. Yes.

I’ll move into Elk Run the third week of September. Lot of work to do between now and then. Choose books. Do all the moving chores like change of address for mail and for various accounts: bank, amazon, financial advisors. Pick clothes. Buy a dresser, a bed.

Elk Run requires a medical assessment. Michelle, the head nurse, will do that sometime in the next couple of weeks. R.J., financial advisor, recommends holding off on filing a long term care claim until that’s all done.

Robin, of Spacewranglers, will see to putting furniture and art and family related material in storage. The rest will get sold, donated, or put in the trash.

The thought of a new, smaller space in a secure place, makes me feel eager to move. I want less responsibility, more time for reading, listening to music, writing.

Mary has been working hard, very hard. Numbering bookshelves. Sorting old photographs. Measuring rooms. When she goes, the house will have less energy. Less love.

Pneumonia triggered all of this. It left me weakened and chastened as a man who could care for himself. A change became necessary.

Joseph, Mary, long time CBE friends all encouraged me. Joseph found Elk Run. Mary reorganized my material life. CBE friends uniformly expressed concern about my living alone after my time in the hospital. I heard them.

A change is coming. And soon.