Lughnasa Recovery Moon
Now a full month out from surgery. Cancer made less threatening with clear margins, no cancer cells in the tissue around the prostate after its removal. Now kegels, those exercises vaunted in Cosmo in the 70’s, an upcoming PSA in September and healing wounds where the robot arms reached inside me are the physical remnants. The kegels strengthen muscles necessary for continence. And they’ve worked.
I thought I’d be back at it now: translating Ovid, writing Superior Wolf, investigating the mountains and the west, but I’m not. The catheter came out only three weeks ago. That required the kegels and a brief use of adult diapers, maybe a week and a half all told. Jon’s been putting the bookshelves together and shelving books has taken time.
There was, too, the steady flow of Ken of Boiler Medic and the boiler installation, Herb and John the plumbers running line for the new stove and the generator. Arranging with Eric for the generator move, then Herb back for the gas connection, then Eric back to install the automatic transfer switch and connect the generator, test it.
There is, as well, a niggling feeling that post-cancer me and pre-cancer me are no longer quite the same person. I’ve not had that sudden revelation of life’s purpose found, or a mission uncovered; but, I feel somehow different. It might be that my day-to-day won’t return to the old pattern, that some new mix will emerge.
One specific instance is a more co-ordinated reading program, using Nina Killham’s bibliotherapy recommendations, certain projects like re-imaging faith and neglected areas of reading like poetry and classical novels as guides. Then, too, there is the type of writing I’ve avoided, long form, essay like pieces on matters like reimagining faith, politics in our time, water, identity and self-hood.
I’m waiting for sign along the ancientrail of recovery from a dread disease. There is planning, goal setting and then there’s discovery. Right now I’m more focused on discovery.
