Imbolc Anniversary Moon
Black Mountain has emerged from the night. The rising sun has chased the dark away and its lodgepole pine, granite outcroppings and private ski runs are in clear relief. Since I get up here at 5 am or so, I witness this unveiling each morning.
Inner conflict continues, pushing me toward something, something undefined. Anxiety is an attempt to manage fear, to consider options to too many things. It reaches out tentatively to a world not yet born, scanning for threats, anticipating. In a long ago day I imagine the anxious folks lived longer (aka, passed down more of their genes), always seeking out the predator that might be behind the next curve in the path, wanting to get to the berries just as they ripened so they wouldn’t be gone, obsessively keeping tabs on water. In this world of grocery stores and police, water from the tap? Not so necessary.
I would prefer not to live like this. I don’t like it. But right now I don’t see the path out. Not sure if my take on causes are right, either. How you define is how you solve and my definition of the problem doesn’t seem to be alleviating my angst.
I’ve had times in my life when anxiety crippled me, leading to depression, not there now, at least not yet. Do you see the insidiousness here? I know where anxiety can lead, so I begin to worry about the trajectory of my current bout. That, in turn, creates more anxiety. Not a virtuous cycle.
