Imbolc Anniversary Moon
Been experiencing an unusual phenomenon, at least unusual for this period of my life. I’m getting all kinds of anxiety signals from my body. My feet rest on their balls when I sit down, not flat on the floor. My gut has this hollowed out and tense feeling. My jaw has small aches as my teeth grind unconsciously. This also makes facial muscles twitch. When lying in bed, I’ll notice that my legs are tight, again an unconscious contraction.
What’s weird is that I can’t identify any source for these unsettling signs. My best guess right now is that they’re the product of a combination of things: the ongoing upset from the divorce and its aftermath, the exhilarating yet internal compass spinning immersion in Beth Evergreen, the two year plus loft finishing as well as our still evolving life as Coloradans, and the various medical challenges we’ve both encountered since moving here. Why the physical signals right now if that’s the right analysis? Don’t know.
When we had our couple’s escape at Tall Grass Spa, I first noticed these physical manifestations. It was during the relaxing, 80-minute massage. As certain parts of my body felt calmer, others, like my legs and my gut, began to call out to me.
As I’ve said here before, I’m an anxious guy with the diagnosis to prove it. Zoloft and the patience encouraging benefits of aging have seen an end to the gross physical manifestations of anxiety until now. That’s not to say I have had none, but this combination of multiple instances has me feeling like I did in college and much of my life thereafter. Not something I want back. I peg the bulk of the anxiety I’ve experienced over the years to my reaction to my mom’s sudden death and the follow-on impact of a soured, then estranged relationship with my father. And, again, I have 18 years of on and off Jungian analysis that says I know what I’m talking about here.
A follower of gestalt therapy in my younger days, I learned to pay attention to and interrogate a jumpy stomach, a twitchy foot. These are not disconnected from my psyche, to the contrary they reveal things occurring in that inner world hidden from view to my Self.
Maybe I’ll finally get back to meditating. That helps, I know.
