Summer Solstice Moon
When we gathered last night at the Woodfire Grill, five of us Woollies talked, catching up on family, discussing current events, laughing. Then, the talk turned serious and deep, as the fly fisherman said, “existential.”
A sister-in-law, a chiropractor, called one of us and told him she was retiring. “Because,” she said, “I’ve been diagnosed with early Alzheimer’s.” That brought silence around this table where the youngest was 64 and the oldest 80. As is his way, this one wondered how to be present to her, not to fix her, but to aid her in her present situation. How might he stay present to her over time, perhaps learning enough to alert her children, who live far away when things become dire?
I pointed him to a website I recently added here, under the link’s title, Third Phase, called Watching the Lights Go Out. Here’s this 68 year old retired physician’s description of its purpose:
“In September of 2012 I was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. This blog is the story of my day-to-day life with this illness and my reflections upon it. We tend to be scared of Alzheimer’s or embarrassed by it. We see it as the end of life rather than a phase of life with all its attendant opportunities for growth, learning, and relationships. We see only the suffering and miss the joy. We experience only the disappearing cognitive abilities and ignore the beautiful things that can appear.”
One of us has an obvious anxiety about this since he has a mother with Alzheimer’s and definitely does not want to place that kind of burden on those who would be his caretakers. What will I do, he asked, if this becomes me?
We turned to the writer who cared for his mother-in-law, Ruby, who tipped over into Alzheimer’s after open-heart surgery. He has interviewed many Alzheimer’s sufferers and said that after a couple of years of sometimes intense existential dread, there comes a peace with the disease.
“But I don’t want to not care!” said the one of us who was anxious. “That leaves my caretakers with the burden.”
This conversation continued, all of us trying to put ourselves in the situation of watching the lights go out. It was not pleasant, but neither was it hopeless, because we had friends around the table.
A primary inflection of this whole conversation was readying ourselves to live into this and other dark realities that loom not far down the stair case of aging.
