Summer Healing Moon
Coming back from the pre-op/post-op consultation things felt different. As Kate said, “We’ve moved from thinking to doing.” Since April 14th, it’s been tests, visits to various doctors, reading, talking with friends and family, taking in information, then decision making. That time period ended with our visit to Eigner on June 11th. We decided on a prostatectomy on July 8th.
The intervening period was a sort of suspension between deciding and acting, knowing the diagnosis and treatment, but having to wait for the surgery. With yesterday’s visit matters have moved to consent forms, instructions for surgery prep, yet more systems checks to see if this body can stand the procedure. It can.
On the way out from talking with Anna, we saw Dr. Eigner. He shook my hand and we had a brief chat. “That looks like a Santa Fe shirt.” “No, Montevideo.” “Ah, that’s Uruguay.” “See you on the 8th.”
It has been an odd experience, this prostate cancer. On April 13th I considered myself a pretty healthy guy. On April 14th I first heard the word malignancy related to me. After the biopsy result I was terminally ill. I went from healthy to definitely not in a matter of weeks, yet I felt no symptoms. There were only clinical findings (digital exam), an elevated PSA, then the biopsy results. All abstract and outside my view. I can’t see my prostate. I can’t feel the cancer. I really don’t feel any different physically than I did on April 13th.
A penumbra of shortened mortality rose over me, shading the future sun. Under its cooler light I felt fine, but wasn’t. In 1992 I went to the Plaza de Toros in Mexico City, the largest bullfighting ring in the world. Tickets were sold sombre y sol. Shade or sun. I bought tickets sombre. Now I would like to move back into the sun.
Definitely feeling a bit more jittery. Imagining the 4:30 am drive to the Sky Ridge Hospital for a 5:30 arrival. Preps. Talking with anesthesiologists and Dr. Eigner. Nurses. Needles. Then quiet for 3 and a half hours. Real. This is coming.
