Spring and the Moon of Liberation

Shabbat gratefuls: Shadow beside me. Artemis mine. Artemis II. Exploration. Living. Ruth at 20. David. Gabe. Jesse. Cancer.

Rene Good. Alex Pretti. Say their names.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Ruth

 

Kavannah: Hakarat Hatov.  Gratitude.  “Who is rich? Those who rejoice in their own portion.” Pirkei Avot (4:1)

Tarot: paused

One brief shining: Found my phone.  Google led me to Luke’s parking lot. Emailed Luke. He found it.

Like the relief of being added to the Actinium + ARPI arm.

 

For a month and a half, like late October and November of last year, I’ve had consequential procedures, tests, visits with the oncologist. I get tired during these marathons.

Most of these visits require my body. Bones cannot be scanned without the bones.

Good data. Key decisions demand it. The impact on me? Mine alone.

What if adding exhaustion to an existing disease state drives me into a dark place mentally? As this last flurry of data gathering did. I wrapped this month and a half long process last Monday with an EKG. My old one: expired.

Neither exhaustion nor my cancer drove me into anything.

A barrier lowered.  Old familiars saw their chance.

Shhh, Charlie. Don’t worry about frailty. What? Frailty. Not you. Lassitude. You don’t get around well. You do the best you can.

By evening: the troubling PSA. New metastases. The pull of letting go.

I let them into my consciousness. Thursday the clutter and naysayers began to quiet. A plan existed. The trial. I got what I wanted.

Even so. After my mother died, I not only let the demons in. I set up housekeeping with them. Entertained them with alcohol and anxiety. Oh, the times we had.

I spent most of my twenties in thrall not only to alcohol and tobacco, but to bad choices.

I found my power. Kicked the demons out of the house. They left the house. Not me.

I know those demons lie in wait for my moments of vulnerability. They were there when I spent three days staring at wallpaper patterns. They showed up after Kate died, suggesting drastic changes.

Not gone.

Waiting.

For me.