Spring New Moon (Seed Moon)
A week that seems to have passed in something of a blur. Evenings and mornings occupied away from home, preparation for this and that, then suddenly, Friday evening.
There are times, one of them was a couple of years ago in the spring when I took a course on Paul Tillich, a philosophically oriented theologian, when I felt in over my head, a foreign experience for me and not pleasant. I’ve had a little of that feeling this week, as if I’ve extended myself beyond my current capacity. Again, not a pleasant feeling.
These are games we begin to play with ourselves as we age. It goes like this. “Gee, I found my work on that e-mail action alert clunky, not on point.” Then my work gets modified, in fact discarded. “Uh-oh. I don’t have it anymore. I can’t develop new skills, be there when something new is required. Am I losing a step? Or, worse, have I lost more steps than I know?” Age. The wormy demon of doubt begins to creep through the mind. “I’m sure I could have gone through this no trouble–when I was 40.” Note: there is no certainty that this statement, or any of these are true, but doubt now becomes age linked. Is it permanent?
This is not the kind of pre-dementia fear that some folks experience. I’m saying I’m used to a high level of functioning and I’m no longer sure I’m as capable as I used to be. This labyrinth has no Ariadne save the Self, no one to guide me since the measurer and the measured are identical.
My real hunch is this: I tire more easily. On these weeks when I feel so busy, pressed I’m actually weary. My capacities aren’t as crisp when I’m tired; that’s true for all of us. So, exhaustion is the real culprit. But. Exhaustion is to some extent an age related phenomenon. In that sense my self-doubt does have a trigger related to aging.
The good news is the week ahead has much less excitement. Time for some R&R.