Doubt

Spring          New Moon (Seed Moon)

A week that seems to have passed in something of a blur.  Evenings and mornings occupied away from home, preparation for this and that, then suddenly, Friday evening.

There are times, one of them was a couple of years ago in the spring when I took a course on Paul Tillich, a philosophically oriented theologian, when I felt in over my head, a foreign experience for me and not pleasant.  I’ve had a little of that feeling this week, as if I’ve extended myself beyond my current capacity.  Again, not a pleasant feeling.

These are games we begin to play with ourselves as we age.  It goes like this.  “Gee, I found my work on that e-mail action alert clunky, not on point.”  Then my work gets modified, in fact discarded.  “Uh-oh.  I don’t have it anymore.  I can’t develop new skills, be there when something new is required.  Am I losing a step?  Or, worse, have I lost more steps than I know?”  Age.  The wormy demon of doubt begins to creep through the mind.  “I’m sure I could have gone through this no trouble–when I was 40.”  Note:  there is no certainty that this statement, or any of these are true, but doubt now becomes age linked.  Is it permanent?

This is not the kind of pre-dementia fear that some folks experience.  I’m saying I’m used to a high level of functioning and I’m no longer sure I’m as capable as I used to be.  This labyrinth has no Ariadne save the Self, no one to guide me since the measurer and the measured are identical.

My real hunch is this:  I tire more easily.  On these weeks when I feel so busy, pressed I’m actually weary.  My capacities aren’t as crisp when I’m tired; that’s true for all of us.  So, exhaustion is the real culprit.  But.  Exhaustion is to some extent an age related phenomenon. In that sense my self-doubt does have a trigger related to aging.

The good news is the week ahead has much less excitement.  Time for some R&R.

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