Fear Leaves

Summer                                                         Healing Moon

Denver had some serious weather yesterday: a tornado not far from Jon and Jen’s home, beating rain that took out Jon’s cucumbers, urban flooding that set off alarms in the building where Bernie Sander’s spoke last week. We have rain in the forecast for the next week or so.

The fear subsided over night. Not sure why, but it’s replaced this morning with the calm about the process that I’ve felt most of the time. The trigger yesterday was, obviously, my pre-op physical. It pushed the surgery and its low, but real, uncertainty right in my face. Calmness can be a trap, too. If I’m not calm, am I doing this wrong? Am I not centered? Not grounded? Not spiritual enough?

We all cycle through various perspectives on important issues. That’s a normal and healthy way of seeing different sides. Some of those perspectives can be frightening, e.g. the instance in which the surgery goes well, but some cancer has escaped into my body, metastasized. It was that possibility that creeped into my awareness yesterday and it took hold, stayed present for much of the day. Oddly, even though I found Dr. Gidday very reassuring and I believed her confident appraisal of my prognosis, at the same time, the fear tickled my heart and fingers.

There are, too, family matters to deal with and I had to work out how to deal with them. These things don’t come naturally to me so I have to consider them, plan. Decided on a frank and open conversation which, I admit, could have come to me first, but didn’t.

So this is what I’m doing with my one wild and crazy life. Right now.

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