Winter and the Moon of the New Year (and, Christmas Eve)
Thursday gratefuls: Alan. CBE. Jamie. Marilyn. Tara. Kate. Rigel’s clean bowl this morning. Christmas Eve. Our best present only 27 days away! Nordic Advent Calendar. Santa Claus. Magic and wonder. Young children. Another big present only 7 days away. 2021.
Kate’s had a long Sjogren’s flare. Started on Monday or so. Low grade temp. Fatigue. Little nausea, which is good. Drains away energy, leaves the slows. Unusual for it to last this long, often gone in a day.
We had a tough, sad, necessary talk on Tuesday. It came after a scam call about our Amazon account, after Rigel’s refusal to eat, after Kep threw up, after Option Care failed again to deliver the bags Kate uses for her tube feedings.
Pierced my calm. Frustration leaked out. Not angry. Momentarily overwhelmed. Got us to talking about this new normal. What we can reasonably expect of each other.
The tough and sad part. I’m not getting better. It’s taken me months to accept that, to accept this. She put her hand up, indicated a long, slow decline.
I know. I just… I know, too. Wu wei. We flow with this. But, it makes me sad.
Me, too. I used to wonder which of us would die first. Now, I know.
Maybe not. Heart attack. Stroke. Car accident.
Maybe not. But, probably.
There it was. On the table. The dining room table, where, I imagine, most of these conversations happen. Laying things out, saying what’s been unsaid. Right where the plates and the knives and spoons and forks go.
Acceptance, though. Has its own power. Increases intimacy. Clears the haze away. No one is dead. No one is dying quickly. And, we’re all dying anyhow, every day closer.
OK. Not a cheery Christmas message. Maybe not. But the divine with us came out and walked the room while we talked. Reminded us of evanescence. Of the joy of being together. Of the time we have, rather than the time we don’t have.
Brought us together, appreciating each other even more. A gift of a long ancientrail, marriage and love and steadfastness.
It came upon a midnight clear, that glorious night of old.