Leave in an hour for the mythical imaging services of Littleton Adventist. I’ll begin to believe in them when they put me on the slide and move me into the magnets. An unhappy yesterday. It had me reaching for distractions, not from the cancer, but from the American health care system.

I know it’s a cliche and I know the comparison is overblown, but I’m going to say it anyway. One of the three young women from Centura Health benefits said, when I asked to pay what my insurance company would have paid: “I don’t make the policy, I just abide by it.” Cindy and Vanessa, too. All of those I talked to except Amanda. I’m just following orders.

A fascinating book on the Holocaust dispelled the myth that the Germans who served as its agents were psychopaths or ideologues. No, they were just ordinary people who chose, over and over again, to do what they’d been told. These agents of denial are all following the arcane and often invisible dictats of bureaucracies built to serve themselves. In the case of United Health Care it’s about the bottom line. In the case of Medicare it’s about the rules. In both instances the clerks, the phone callers and phone answerers, the case managers, (I find myself wanting to put quotation marks around a lot of these words.), the administrators all sleep because they don’t make the policy, they just abide by it.

In neither case is the patient’s health the prime objective. The prime objective is what sustains the organization. You may say, what’s the alternative? I would say single payer health care. Why? Because in that situation it is the patient’s health that drives the system, it is the rule. Would it be perfect, without self-serving bureaucracy? No. Certainly not. But it would have as its raison d’etre the health of the country’s populace. That would make these frustrations much, much different. At least to me.

In the meantime we have a system that, not all the time, but frequently enough, puts people like me, desperate for some answers, in between dollars and health care. It also serves to dehumanize its agents who must again and again say, no, that’s not been approved. No, sorry, I don’t make policy, I just abide by it.

Health “benefits” from Centura called this morning. Hey, guess what? You know those scans? Not approved. What! Twice in two weeks? What’s going on?

In spite of being the patient, hereinafter to be known as the victim, of our health care system, I was having a hell of time accessing any of it.

I don’t like phones. I like to see the people I’m talking to, even if I know them. It’s a thing and I’ve had it for decades.

This morning, however, was a phone morning. I called United Health Care. Nothing had been submitted for approval. Say what? It’s the day before these scans which were ordered last Friday. Who submits these things for approval? The doctor.

Anova Healthcare. Amanda, the heroine of the morning, or good Amanda as I think of her now, answered. The Littleton office handles authorizations. OH, I thought. She’s going to make me call them. Nope. She called. Vanessa, who has responsibility for my case, would call me back. Amanda had talked to the manager of the authorization department. I assume the same one that failed to get my axumin scan through.

Anyhow, Vanessa never called. I got a call again from Centura where I learned of another authorization hurdle. It’s internal to New West Physicians and focuses on Medicare claims. Oh. AARP Secure Horizons, which Kate and I have, is a Medicare advantage plan administered by United Health Care. Apparently this is the first point of contact with potential payors.

Cindy answered. I’m sad and a little scared. Can you help me with this? The doctor ordering the test marked it as routine and Vanessa (bad Vanessa) only sent it to them yesterday at 3 pm. Oh, come on. The doctor had to change routine to urgent. Could you call the doctor? No, we usually don’t do that.

OK. Back on the phone. This time Amanda again. Answering machine. I told her what Cindy said. Amanda called me back in a short time. She’d already talked to Cindy. (Good Amanda) The bone scan is authorized. The CT is awaiting a decision. We’re half way there.

Here’s the thing though. All these phone calls, which took me all morning, were made by me, the victim. Ratcheting up my stress level each time. And, the result, which I sought all morning, was to get back to where I thought we were to begin with.

This left me with my head in my hands, talking to Kate at the dinner table, saying often, I don’t know. I really don’t know. A sort of ringing and head pressure came and went, my body trying to adjust itself to the feelings coursing through it.

I’m glad I’m not anxious, not much anyhow. But, I am stressed.