Summer                                                      Healing Moon

Had my pre-op physical this morning, two weeks before my surgery date of July 8th. On the way over I drove through Turkey Creek and Devil’s Creek canyons, a beautiful backway to the southern Denver suburb of Littleton.

I was afraid on the way over. I’ve been distracted and anxious, unsettled so far on this journey, but have not felt afraid. The fear crept in as I drove, not paralyzing, but evident. The beauty of the canyons with their pines and aspens, the exposed rock and the mountain sides climbing up for the road soothed me. That’s why I chose that route.

Those rocks, I thought, have been here long, long before me and will be here long, long after me. At an intellectual level I find that comforting. Today though the surgery was getting more and more real. The fact of cancer, too. The fear was not about the surgery or the recovery. It was about the results of the surgery.Will I be cured or will there be lingering doubts, cells that escaped into the lymph nodes or into the body?

98% of the time I believe Eigner will get all the malignant cells and the pathology report will relieve me. 2% of the time, I’m not sure. Today was/is all 2%.

Dr. Gidday, my internist who did my pre-op, was great. She referred her 82 year old father to Eigner when he was diagnosed. She trusts Eigner and so do I. Dr. Gidday’s nurse Katie, who had another patient and couldn’t check me in, stuck her head in the room and asked me how I was doing. There’s a lot of caring in that office and I feel it.

Fear seems natural to me, so I’m just reporting it. It’s not dominating me. At least not right now.