Imbolc and The Moon of 3/4’s
Friday gratefuls: David Sanders. You’re the most articulate person I’ve ever met. Another person the night before, someone I admire: you’re the man I want to become. Geez. Yet. Nice, too. Therapy. Again. For me. For Ruth. Therapy Nation. Languishing. Mourning. Grieving. Bright Sun. Blue Sky. Black Mountain. Wireless mouse and keyboard. Wow.
Sparks of Joy and Awe: Ruth and Seoah
Living. As far as I know, it beats dying.
Noticed my ax sitting near the window. Behind it is a painting, a Renaissance replica, in the shape of a cross. Jesus crucified. Above them hangs the red dragon on a green and white background, the flag of Wales. All the way on the bookshelf’s top is a human skull, an anatomy lesson tool. Up there, too, is a seven candle menorah, a replica of the Temple Menorah from the First Temple.
The ax I can no longer wield. Too weak. Poor stamina. The painting I love as art and appreciate as metaphor. The flag is a roots thing. Captain Ellis from Denbigh,Wales. Our Welsh forefather. Though. None of my genetic work has teased out any Welsh blood. The skull. Not the only one. A beaver, a black bear, a Sabre tooth tiger (faux, but still cool). What lies beneath.
Ruth returned home. Spent the last two days with me. She looks much better, less stressed. Medication changes. More knowledge about how to self regulate. A volunteer turn on her part which suggests a much higher likelihood of benefit. She was nervous about going back to school today. As she often says, Makes sense.
Took her, Gabe, and Jon to Katsu Ramen. Was gonna be Domo, Ruth’s favorite, but it’s closed due to omicron. This was her 15th birthday meal. From last year. I took Gabe to his favorite, Benihana, last month. This little family. Sweet and, it seems, taking steps to heal from years of trauma physical and trauma emotional.
A good time together then I drove back home, all the way across the Denver metro and up the hill to Shadow Mountain.
Rigel. Not eating. Won’t let me give me her pills. I called a different vet, a local home call vet who does acupuncture, other things. We’ll see if she can help. Rigel also occasionally retches, like there’s something stuck in her throat. I don’t know what’s going on. She’s gone to the door to the Otherworld many times and always turned around and walked back. I’m neither hopeful nor despairing. Today, she’s alive. I’ll do what I can today.
Had my first therapy appointment in many years yesterday. Dr. David Sanders, who founded the Kabbalah Experience and teaches the class on the Sefer Yetzirah that I’m taking right now. We met on zoom. Which I preferred to going in, wearing masks. Trying to hear.
Some tears. Talking about Kate. About our life together, our love, our commitment to each other’s growth. Focusing on life after Kate. As David asked, “What does this 74 year old man have left to do with his life?” Exactly.
I’m paying the bill myself. No insurance. Because I want to. May be weird, but it makes me feel good. And I can. Feels more like its mine, not mine and the damned Advantage Care. No pleading for help. Getting it.
All boxes of kitchen stuff off the common room floor. Ruth won the contest. Common Room. A good one. The Common Room is a spot where we can gather, enjoy a fire in the fireplace, have a meal. Be together. Congratulations to Ruth!
Feeling on the cusp of change. But, I’ve felt that way for a while. Even so. A sort of forward leaning, yet in the moment feeling.
May sit in my new rocker a while today. Read. Maybe even light a fire. I want to read even more and I hope this new furniture arrangement in the Common Room will encourage that for me.
Enough for today. See you on the flip side.
