Feeling Silly

Written By: Charles - May• 24•23

Beltane and the Shadow Mountain Moon

Wednesday gratefuls: Leo, back with his Dad. Luke. A good friend. Rabbi Jamie. His men’s group. Dick Arnold, my roommate on the Israel trip. Jamie’s dad. Ellen, Jamie’s mom, who said she’d be glad to share her husband with me. Mark and Dennis, coming tonight. I think. Rainy days and cool nights. My son and his wife moving into a house off base. Murdoch, too. A sickle Shadow Mountain Moon. Hey, how bout those Nuggets!

Sparks of Joy and Awe: The Nuggets in the NBA finals. Finally.

One brief shining: Women attractive alluring still tried match.com last night felt icky seeing all these ladies of a certain age out there hoping for somebody perhaps anybody male still alive and able to drive a strong voyeur feeling coupled with my natural tentativeness when it comes to new relationships what would I be getting myself in for do I really want to break up with my new life?


Oh, boy. Should I try dating? Match.com. I don’t know. When I looked at the pictures, read a few things the women on there had written. Got tired. Thinking of all the work necessary to meet someone new. Vet them in the ways we do. Be vetted in the ways they do. Seemed, what? Hard. Like, well, work. Not to mention the prostate cancer gift of impotency. Though there is that drug holiday coming up. Still.

The point though. I am beginning to look at women again. You know, the male gaze. And I do miss having an intimate partner someone to laugh with, plan things with, check decisions with, sleep next to me in the bed. Kate’s memory of course would be a touchstone. Is that fair to someone new? No. Would happen anyway. I don’t know. Just don’t know.

I’ve met a couple of women in the last couple of weeks that I know I would want to try dating, seeing, whatever it is we do these days. One is a vibration and acoustics engineer. I mentioned her. Beautiful, thoughtful. Also maybe late 30’s. Another, a psychologist really rang my chimes one whom I will do a guided psilocybin journey with when we can get it scheduled. Maybe 50. 25 to 40 years as a gap feels like too much to me. But my beginner feelings about both of them have made me curious about someone closer to my age. Even 60 might work. I think.

Oh, I feel silly. Yet I think feeling silly is a good place to start. Suggests playfulness, joy. That frisson between members of the opposite sex. Life itself.


Rabbi Jamie will bring me up to his men’s group as a possible member. That would be great. I miss the Woolly meetings, folks I knew and could see locally. The Ancient Brothers continue the Woolly experience and profoundly. But I can’t see any of them here for lunch or a casual afternoon.


On the Ancient Brothers zoom last week I said more than productivity or achievement I’m looking to deepen relationships live more in the connected world not expand my web of friendships and family necessarily but spend more time cultivating the relationships I already have. Be a hermit when I’m home, a close friend and ally when I’m out with another.


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