Spring and the Wu Wei Moon
Wednesday gratefuls: Dr. Vu. Michal. The guy who seated me in my chair. Lidocaine. Nono’s. Catfish Po’boy. Beignets. Crawfish sauce covered Catfish over Rice for supper. Good boy, Charlie. Shadow, happy to see me. Tramadol. THC. Ruth in finals. Gabe 17. His day. Dramaturg. Shadow blowing her coat. The green, hyper green Grass down the hill. Japan’s 72 microseasons. Scott in the protests.
Sparks of Joy and Awe: AI
Week Kavannah: Sensibility. Daat.
One brief shining: Leaving the patches of Snow in my backyard, the still cool morning Air, guiding Ruby through the curves as I descend Shadow Mountain, Great Sol breaking through the Lodgepoles on my left, dropping further down through the steep grades of 285N, letting Ruby gather a little speed, pulled like the waters of Bear Creek toward lower elevations, then passing through the Hogbacks and making a right toward Lone Tree where possible back relief awaits.
Do you consider yourself a lucky man? Dr. Vu asked when he finished needling me four times in my spine.
Well. I stumbled. Not an adjective I’ve given much thought in regard to my life. Uh, sure.
Well, he went on. You were today because I got you done with no pain.
Oh. You’ve set my expectations now, I said, still lying on the table, on my stomach, head on my hands.
If you bring your luck with you next time, I’ll meet them again.
I liked Dr. Vu. Before we began he said he’d looked at my MRI. He formed a tunnel with his thumb and fingers. If this is the normal amount of space I have to work with, this is yours. He all but closed the tunnel, bringing his fingers very close together.
If I hit a nerve, you’ll feel a jolt like you hit your funny bone. Tell me. I’ll pull back. I have to get within a millimeter of your nerve. In fact, he went on, that’s how they used to do it. Push the needle in, you react. Ah. We’re in the right spot! He shook his head. Glad I wasn’t doing this back then.
Me, too, I said.
Some lidocaine. A sting. A deeper sting. Wait. Then. Not ten minutes later after Michal, his assistant had rotated the bed on which I lay a couple of times, once by 10%, the other I didn’t hear. Adjusting it I assume, so the needle could enter at the best angle.
Not much if any effect in the moment. Takes some time, up to 5 days, for the steroids to start working. I felt a bit looser, less pain in my movements this morning as I took the trash out to the road. Still pretty stiff and painful for me right after I got out of bed. Usual. We’ll see.
Since my visit to San Francisco, a test to see how impaired I was for travel, almost a year ago, my pain has increased. It was already pretty bad in San Francisco. Test result? No flying or airports for me.
It was the previous September to my S.F. trip by train that the back pain began. In the palace grounds of the Joseon dynasty in Seoul. Hobbled back to the car through the fortified walls and past women dressed in hanbok, men in military costumes.
Since that time, I’ve experienced levels of pain when I walk or get up or lean down or roll over that exceed my ability to bear it. So. I stop.
The pain also limits how much I can do at any one time. Organizing the trash, cutting up boxes to put in recycling, putting everything in the trash bins, then rolling them out to the road? A morning’s worth of energy.
It means, too, that picking up and being neat often is more than I can handle. Not to mention changing sheets on my heavy king size mattress. Laundry.
Pain has diminished me. I’m not sure I even know how much. Pain is aversive conditioning. The point of it. I back away from tasks, don’t even engage them. Tasks that formerly would have been easy; that I could do and then move onto the next one. Not now. One at a time. Over periods as long as a day or more. No way to run a house.
I can’t bend down and play with Shadow. I know our relationship suffers because of that.
Not whining here. Just describing. I’ve had a level of dysthymia as a result. As if I go through the motions, though not as many motions.
Check back in in a week. See if anything’s better.