Lughnasa and the Cheshbon Nefesh Moon

Monday gratefuls: Shadow of the morning. Darkness, my old friend. The Ancient Brothers on honor. Mark, found work in Hafar. Cancer. Buphati. Swedish. Down the hill. Erleada and Orgovyx. Life extenders. My son, 44 next month. Murdoch. Lenovo Thinkpad. My favorite computer ever. Knowledge. Talmud Torah. Understanding. Learning. Wisdom.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Mussar

Year Kavannah: Wu Wei

Week Kavannah: Ometz Lev. The inner strength to move forward.

Tarot: #4, The Lord      When upright, The Lord card signifies a time to take control and establish order. It encourages using logic and discipline to achieve goals and provide security.  Gemini

One brief shining: As the mornings stay dark longer, as the air grows cooler, and the Aspens and Willows await the signal for their golden moment, I gather years of thoughts on the fallow time, my Winter Solstice meditations, and become quiet, my journey along the Great Wheel continues. For now.

Health: Yes. My oncology appointment. We cancer folk have these punctuations in our lives. Blood draws. Scans of this sort and that. Radiation visits. Because cancer can rear up, spread its hood, and strike suddenly. Vigilance. Surveillance.

Also means that life never has that ah, I’m on the hiking trail and nothing else exists moment. In the three months between blood draws I take my Erleada in the morning and Orgovyx at night. I have to manage those prescriptions.

Not to say I don’t have many times, most times, when cancer lies apart from my day-to-day. I do. Cancer is not life. It is death. And in that sense, so very ordinary. Blindingly mundane.

What I mean is that cancer does not change the journey-birth, life, death-but it does keep some attention always on that point where the GPS can no longer find the way.

Living with a terminal illness is, to say it another way, just that. Living. I’m so grateful I’ve had the chance to live and not die sooner. I’m also grateful that I have this opportunity each morning to set down my thoughts and feelings. What a privilege.

On a different note. I have renewed my workouts. Feeling better. Life span. Health span. Health span increases do not, by themselves, equal good quality of life. Even if medicine extends life, feeling good requires effort. In the late seventies, certainly in the eighties, quality of life relies as much, if not more, on diet and regular movement. Walks, workouts, bicycles.

I learned that lesson, again, over the first few months of this year when I stopped working out, ate poorly, became melancholic. A non-virtuous cycle.

My quality of life, enhanced by Shadow and Artemis, began to tick up in July. Today I feel good. Right now, thanks to some endorphins from my workout, but also from knowing I’m doing what I can. The rest is up to doctors and medical care.

A tarot note on the Lord which seems apropos here:

• Structure and stability: The Lord can point to the creation of necessary structures and routines to build a secure and stable foundation for the future.  Gemini