All posts by Charles

Dogs, Weather +Climate

The Continuing Adventures…

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Samain and the Radiation Moon (5 down, 5 to go)

 

Wednesday gratefuls: Byte by byte. My weekly companions Paul, Tom, Diane. Tara and Eleanor, here twice yesterday. Feeling weary. Snow. A lot. Shadow, the mystery dog. Radiation. Varian’s Clinac iX. The drive down the hill and through the Hogback westward to Broadway. My pain free left hip, back, leg. A sense of, what? Melancholy.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: First Big Snow

Life Kavannah: Wu Wei    Shadow, my Wu Wei mistress

Week Kavannah:  SERENITY   Menucha     Serene, literally “at rest/comfortable”                         “In Jewish tradition, ‘menucha’ (מְנוּחָה) signifies a profound state of spiritual and physical rest, tranquility, peace, and fulfillment, going far beyond merely ceasing work. It is a core concept tied to the Sabbath (Shabbat) and the ultimate spiritual destiny of the soul.” Gemini

Being a metaPhysician

One brief shining: When I needed her, her and Eleanor, Tara hopped in her Pilot at 8:00 pm, with the sound of the Snow plow already heard in the land, and drove over here a second time, a confused Eleanor all black bouncy yeah I’m here energy as she came downstairs to rescue her stubborn friend Shadow from a night outside in the cold as a 10″ Snow began to fall.

Dog journal: The undoing of what seemed like a surefire incentive. Since our midsummer crisis when Shadow would not come in at night, the sound of food hitting the metallic bottom of her food bowl would bring her inside even if nothing else would. She chose a dark, cold, Snowy December evening to reject it.

She huddled first in a favorite spot from the summer, directly under the open bedroom window. Later I think she found shelter behind the garage or in the far northwest corner of the property.

Her food plinked into her bowl several times as I tried to cajole her to come inside. As she often does, she would come in part way, guarding her escape path through the open door, disappearing outside if I hinted at getting up.

Tara and Eleanor had come over at 1:30 for a playdate. Tara says Shadow is Eleanor’s best friend. They romp and run, playbow, chase each other. Doggie buddies.

As a literal last resort, I texted Tara and asked her to bring Eleanor over to get Shadow back inside. It’s a big ask at 7:45, I know. They came.

The minute Eleanor clambered down the stairs and over to the door, Shadow was there. They played outside briefly. Tara let them in, Shadow eagerly following Eleanor into the house. The door closed and that event was over. Shadow jumped up on Tara, happy to see her again so soon.

After Tara and Eleanor went home, I fed Shadow her evening meal. Which she enjoyed, wagging her tail. Happy to be inside.

Whaa?

 

Weather. The Snow has begun to accumulate inch by soft white inch. Our first big Snow of the season. I’m canceling my radiation session for today. Travel warnings are out for the day. A good thing since a combination of Shadow drama and radiation induced fatigue has me wrung out and hung up to dry.

 

General, Hawai'i

Aloha

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Samain and the Radiation Moon

Tuesday gratefuls: Shadow who behaves like the wind or water carving a stream bed. Wu wei all the way.  Neck brace, trigeminal nerve problems. Wouldn’t ya know. Maddie. Conversion. Tom’s last campaign. Christopher. Paul. Sylvan. Putin. Zelensky. Rubio. Hegseth. Tara and Eleanor coming today.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: The Shema

Life Kavannah: Wu Wei    Shadow, my Wu Wei mistress

Week Kavannah:  SERENITY   Menucha     Serene, literally “at rest/comfortable”                         “In Jewish tradition, ‘menucha’ (מְנוּחָה) signifies a profound state of spiritual and physical rest, tranquility, peace, and fulfillment, going far beyond merely ceasing work. It is a core concept tied to the Sabbath (Shabbat) and the ultimate spiritual destiny of the soul.” Gemini

Being a metaPhysician

One brief shining: A day, several years ago, at Da Fish Shack on the Island of Kauai, listening to the waves of the wide Pacific hit the shore just beyond the front door, an extra week on Kauai time, a slower primal time that speaks of Volcanoes grown tall, then dormant, then extinct traveling on their ride or die, the great Tectonic Plate carrying this quiet rural place toward China, no hurry though.

 

Hawai’i. A place of so many memories. That first year at the Maui Weston, securing permission from the sugar company to climb the old, old Mountain toward the Lahaina L. Didn’t make it. Got lost, legs bleeding from thorny bushes, sweating with exertion and heat. Found the car, feeling wonderful. While Kate dutifully sat in class after class.

The morning walk into Lahaina, long before the fire, following the Shoreline, finding a restaurant and ordering Mahi-Mahi and poached eggs.

Much, much later. Hickam AFB on Oahu. May, 2021. Kate dead less than month. Crying at Joseph and Seoah’s table. I miss her so much.

Kate dressed fancy, Island fancy. Making our way through the cool evening, past so many rental cars, to Mama’s Fish House. Maybe celebrating my birthday. Reading on the menu the name of the one who caught the Ono, the Ahi, the Opakapaka, Mahi-Mahi. Holding hands. Deep in love. Then. Now.

Walking into the lobby of the Mauna Kea for the first time seeing the white Sand Beach and the blue Water framed by its entry way teak pillars. A hotel built around art collected by Laurence Rockefeller while traveling the Pacific Rim.

Later that evening after dining outdoors, walking away from the hotel to the underwater lights highlighting the gentle flying of Giant Manta Rays, their wide mouths making them look like an organic simulacrum of a 1950’s car design.

Standing next to Halemaumau, then deep, the home of Pelé, goddess of Volcanoes. Palm Fronds, empty liquor bottles, colorful leis scattered round its rim.

Later walking on sharp Lava out toward the Lava streams, moving toward the Water, giving the lie to they aren’t making any more of it. Steam boiling up from the much cooler Pacific as the Big Island got bigger still.

We loved Hawai’i, Kate and me. Like so many. Leis made of memories and gentle moments together.

 

Politics

Even Fiction Requires Logic

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Samain and the Radiation Moon

Monday gratefuls: Todd. Alise. Jenna. Dr. Carter. Ruth. Cold outside. Shadow, the hugger. Football. Basketball. Christopher. Paul. Minnesota nights. Rum River. Carlos Avery. Boot Lake SNA. Lake George. Cedar Creek research facility of the UofM. Oak Savannah. Great Anoka Sand Plain. Glacial River Warren. The last Ice Age. Woolly Mammoths. Sabre Tooth Tigers.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Pukaskwa National Park

Life Kavannah: Wu Wei    Shadow, my Wu Wei mistress

Week Kavannah:  SERENITY   Menucha     Serene, literally “at rest/comfortable”                         “In Jewish tradition, ‘menucha’ (מְנוּחָה) signifies a profound state of spiritual and physical rest, tranquility, peace, and fulfillment, going far beyond merely ceasing work. It is a core concept tied to the Sabbath (Shabbat) and the ultimate spiritual destiny of the soul.” Gemini

Tarot: Being a metaPhysician

One brief shining: A bit of Snow covers the backyard, Dog tracks crisscrossing it near the backdoor, Artemis rests, holding  only Garlic planted in early November, over the leech field tall Grasses, now brown; that leaning Lodgepole Derek cut down stacked in logs to season since it blew over while still alive, the Aspen beyond my bedroom window skeletal, the fallow time has come.

 

Dog journal: So. Now she comes in when she will, but does come in, in her own time. This, my Shadow, is enough for me.

The continuing adventures of Donald: Hegseth denies. Well, of course, he does. The Weasel. Oops, sorry, didn’t mean to disparage Weasel kind. Nope. He’s the fourth grader caught with his hand in the teacher’s candy jar. T’wasn’t me, miss. I swear.

I trust Washington Post reporters far, far more than that guy who never saw a tube of pomade he didn’t like.  Deny. Deny. Deny. If, in this case, as the JAG lawyers said, this “second tap” is a war crime, and/or outright murder, I’d hide under my desk, too.

Under the norms of a long ago America-what’s that? It’s been less than a year? Really?-this scandal would sink Hegseth and the President he rode in on. Today? Might mean more square footage for the Great Gatsby Gilded ballroom. Or, some other deflection like, for example, hey, Bondi, investigate Democrats in the Epstein files.

Oh, no. I’ve got it! He could pardon the former President of Honduras, a convicted narcotrafficker, while returning to the Rooseveltian days of gunboat diplomacy against the President of Venezuela, because, well, because Maduro is a, what is it? A narcotrafficker.

No, you could not make this stuff up. Not because people wouldn’t believe it, but because even fiction has to have an internal logic. And, this guy, red tie guy, acts by whim and fancy with a healthy dose of greed and self-interest to season the stew.

I read The Bulwark on Substack, a collection of conservatives, real conservatives, who find all of this as despicable as I do. In their Thanksgiving Day post, Trump is Exploiting Tragedy to Burn This Country Down, JV Glass and Sarah Longwell, in reacting to red tie guy’s screed against immigrants from poor countries as his response to the despicable murder of Sarah Beckstrom, referred to a long post on Truth Social, in which among many, many horrible things, the President (or, more likely, his ghost Stephen Miller) discuss denaturalization for naturalized American citizens. Both Joseph and Seoah are naturalized citizens.

 

Here are excerpts from that post compiled by Chatgpt:

  • Trump wrote he would “permanently pause migration from all ‘Third World Countries.’” Reuters+2VPM+2

  • He said the pause would allow “the U.S. system to fully recover.” VPM+1

  • “Only REVERSE MIGRATION can fully cure this situation.” AP News+2VPM+2

  • He pledged to “terminate” millions of admissions made under the previous administration, including those he described as “illegal admissions … signed by … Sleepy Joe Biden’s autopen.” MarketScreener+1

  • He promised to end all federal benefits and subsidies for non-citizens. MarketScreener+1

  • He vowed to “denaturalize migrants who undermine domestic tranquility” and deport any foreign national deemed a “public charge, security risk, or non-compatible with Western civilization.” MarketScreener+2Reuters+2

  • He wrote that many foreign-born U.S. residents “are on welfare, from failed nations, or from prisons, mental institutions, gangs, or drug cartels.” AP News+1

 

 

 

Memories, Minnesota, Myth and Story

By the Shores of Gitche Gumee

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Samain and the Radiation Moon

Sunday gratefuls: Cold. A bit of Snow. Shadow, the mystery dog. Rabbi Jamie. CBE. Joanne. Marilyn and Irv. Prostate cancer. Mayo. RMCC. Football. Vikings. Bears. Lions. Packers. Wu Wei. Taoism. Chuang Tzu. Lao Tzu. Mencius. Confucius. Emerson. Thoreau. Mary Fuller. Emily Dickinson. Hawthorne. Melville.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: College Football

Life Kavannah: Wu Wei    Shadow, my Wu Wei mistress

Week Kavannah:  SERENITY   Menucha     Serene, carefree, literally “at rest/comfortable”                         “In Jewish tradition, ‘menucha’ (מְנוּחָה) signifies a profound state of spiritual and physical rest, tranquility, peace, and fulfillment, going far beyond merely ceasing work. It is a core concept tied to the Sabbath (Shabbat) and the ultimate spiritual destiny of the soul.” Gemini

Tarot: Being a metaPhysician

One brief shining: Look up to Ursa Major, the Great Bear, and follow the arc of his tail to Arcturus or the pointer Stars to Polaris, the North Star, cradling in your mind, if you can, the distances, so so far apart, and the backward clock those bright diamonds of light represent, your eye deceiving you telling you what you see is there, right there, when it might have been gone, dispersed, for a million years, leaving behind only its light still traveling because it must through the void of space and time. Like you, after death.

When Kate was alive, she did the crosswords. Two of them every morning. On paper, first in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, then the Denver Post. Because I got up early, I went out to the mailbox and collected the newspaper for her. That meant I saw the seasonal change of the Stars. Each late Fall I looked forward with anticipation to the return of Orion whom I consider a friend.

In Andover, Minnesota I would, too, often see the Northern Lights dancing over the Perlich’s house across from us. When Orion or the Northern Lights were in the sky, I would stop and watch, no matter how bitter the cold. We live in a world of wonder and sometimes it reaches out and grabs you.

Up here on Shadow Mountain Orion rises over Conifer and Black Mountain, trailing Starry memories of early Minnesota mornings and tales of the ancient Greeks, whose imagination informs, even now, what we see.

My friend Tom Crane and his wife Roxann went up to Duluth last Friday to celebrate Roxann’s birthday by the big Lake. I remember how many times Kate and I went up there, too. How every time, if the sky was clear, I would wander down from our rented town house to the rocky Shore and look out across the dark stillness of Lake Superior, a mirror to the night sky, catching the Stars.

By the shores of Gitche Gumee, by the shining big sea waters, all its ancient Glacial past reverberates. And not only its ancient past but also it would whisper in its somber voice a well-known folk song, the Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.

“The legend lives on from the Chippewa on downOf the big lake, they called Gitche GumeeThe lake, it is said, never gives up her deadWhen the skies of November turn gloomy…”

 

 

Family, Friends, Holidays

I hope you hear I love you often

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Samain and the Radiation Moon

Shabbat gratefuls: Napping. Tom’s wonderful pictures. Happy birthday Roxann. The Great Lake Superior. Knife River. Duluth. Two Rivers. Tofte. Gooseberry Falls. Tettegouche. Silver Bay. Lutsen. Cascade Lodge. Grand Marais. Painter’s Point. The Gunflint Trail. Naniboujou Lodge. Isle Royale. So many memories. The Arrowhead. Ely. The Boundary Waters.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Ruth’s Sugar Cream Pie

Life Kavannah: Wu Wei    Shadow, my Wu Wei mistress

Week Kavannah:  SERENITY   Menucha     Serene, carefree, literally “at rest/comfortable”    “In Jewish tradition, ‘menucha’ (מְנוּחָה) signifies a profound state of spiritual and physical rest, tranquility, peace, and fulfillment, going far beyond merely ceasing work. It is a core concept tied to the Sabbath (Shabbat) and the ultimate spiritual destiny of the soul.” Gemini

Tarot: Being a metaPhysician

One brief shining: A bit of Snow, a surge of cold Air as if the weather here knew Thanksgiving had passed and the graver part of the fallow time had come; with the change those Christmas lights and Hanukah decor make sense as Advent starts tomorrow; in the past folks gathered around fires in smoky rooms to tell stories and legends of Raven, of Yggdrasil, of Krampus, of Spider Woman, of children lost in the forest, of Great Bears and Hunters cast into the sky.

 

Black Friday. A day I associate with greed and the exposed dark heart of capitalism. Children clamoring in their innocence for TV ad driven next best things. Toys. Dolls. Video games. Tech. And their parents driven by love into long lines hoping to find the wanted thing at a price they can actually afford.

This represents the nadir of our economy, exploiting parental love by manipulating our children, turning them into agents/influencers working for Mattel, Nintendo, American Beauty and inflicting on those same children as they grow the somehow heart connected thought that the oh so perfect thing can express their affection, or, satisfy their own. Bah, humbug.

No. Not a Scrooge about gifts. I love gifts and gift giving. What I do not love, what I hate is the casual cynicism of marketing that turns gifts into faux transactions, creating false desires, and forcing people into debt. I’m with Tiny Tim and the Christmas Turkey.

The times for gathering with friends and family around food, song, on an icy pond, trekking on snowshoes, those moments I love about holiseason and its many highlights like Samain, Thanksgiving, Hanukah, Christmas, the Winter Solstice, Yule, New Years.

We humans need others of our kind and holiseason offers ample opportunities to draw close. Lord knows we need them all year, yet in the cold and dark of the fallow time, we need them even more.

So I wish for you, as we cross the boundary of Creepy Friday, a season of love and eggnog. Of dreidels and Christmas Trees. Moments of true warmth where the glow of one heart touching another provides comfort and solace.

I hope you hear the words I love you as often as possible, from as many people as possible. And from as many dogs, in their own way, too.

Back Pain, Dogs, Family, Health, Holidays, Politics

Black Friday

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Samain and the Radiation Moon

Friday gratefuls: Chart House. Thanksgiving. Ruth. Shadow, the rascal. Hip pain. The National Guard. Our weakened nation. Colorado. The Rockies. Wyoming. The Wind River Range. Yellowstone. The Druid Pack. Wolf 21. The West. Bison. Elk. Mule Deer. Lodgepole and Bristlecone Pine. The Krummholz line. 14’ers. Skiing. A-Basin. Aspen. Vail. Steamboat. Telluride. Crested Butte. Breckenridge. Copper Mountain.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: The Waxing Moon

Life Kavannah: Wu Wei    Shadow, my Wu Wei mistress

Week Kavannah:  Gevurah      “While Chesed is associated with flow, Gevurah provides the structure that allows this flow, acting like river banks to channel energy. It is seen as essential for establishing healthy boundaries, creating space for important work, and preserving what is most valuable.”

Tarot: Being a metaPhysician

One brief shining: The Chart House sat me at a four top, the last in a full house, where Great Sol’s presence came through a window wall; Mackenzie from Florida, my server, was cheerful and kind asking me if I was ready to order: Caesar Salad, Filet Mignon rare with Garlic mashed Potatoes, and Key Lime Pie which I quit halfway through the Filet, got a box for the rest, and trudged up hill to Ruby, my hip no longer quieted. Happy Thanksgiving.

 

Just a moment: Trump calls out the National Guard. Of West Virginia. To D.C. Where a judge rules their presence illegal. Ignored. Meanwhile a former CIA trained counter terrorism Afghani who lives in the state of Washington decides to drive cross country. Adding tragedy to tragedy. A living remnant of our failed war intersects violently with the idiocy of saving our cities by occupying them.

What does our rotund Dear Leader conclude from this? We need to tighten immigration. No, Donald. You need to stop using military force as a tool of repression and suppression. Instead of following the judge’s order red tie guy wants 500 more troops.

You need to, oh hell, I’ll just say it, resign and take Vance and Hegseth and Noemi and Kennedy with you. You can all live happily in MAHA/MAGA world at Mar-a-Lago while the adults get back to the serious business of governance.

Happy Thanksgiving.

 

Dog journal: Shadow has me looking at animal behavorists. Her behavior baffles me. She continues to hold back from coming inside. No treats, no cajoling, no sweet talk works. She does come inside, on her own time. Where she enjoys her meals, treats, toys, time with me. As if the back and forth of only moments before never happened.

She also, in spite of trying several different methods, will not let me put a leash on her. When I have, rarely, succeeded, she doesn’t seem to mind walking with the leash.

Other than those two behavioral quirks-major ones, I admit-she remains a sweet, loving girl who sleeps curled next to my pillow, enjoys treat play, toys, visitors both canine and human.

 

Health: The hip steroid injection does not seem to be holding. Disappointing since I had it just last week. The ablation, on the other hand, has relieved my pain on the left side. Wearing the neck brace when I drive helps fight fatigue. Too early to tell on the radiation with seven more sessions to go.

Family, Politics

Mad King Donald

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Samain and the Radiation Moon (3 sessions)

Thanksgiving gratefuls: Jackie. Ruth. Shadow. Todd and Alise. Rocky Mountain Cancer Care. My son. Seoah. Murdoch. Mary. Mark. Diane. Gabe. The Ancient Brothers. Alan. Joanne. Marilyn and Irv. Tara. Luke. Ginny and Janice. Leo. Eleanor. Annie and Luna. Derek. My Wild Neighbors. The Night Sky. Orion. Polaris.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Ruth

Life Kavannah: Wu Wei    Shadow, my Wu Wei mistress

Week Kavannah:  Gevurah      “While Chesed is associated with flow, Gevurah provides the structure that allows this flow, acting like river banks to channel energy. It is seen as essential for establishing healthy boundaries, creating space for important work, and preserving what is most valuable.”

Tarot: Being a metaPhysician

One brief shining: Ruth, my beloved granddaughter, who drove up here from Longmont and in turn drove me to my radiation session in Littleton, came back and put together the new kitchen stool for cooking, finished her chemistry homework with Luke’s assistance, and, for a final flourish made a sugar cream pie.

 

This morning she leaves for A-Basin to ski. Where she and her Dad skied every winter from when she was three or four. Fewer skiers on Thanksgiving day.

Ruth works two jobs. As a Starbucks’ barista and a cleaner in the CU library. She also has a full class load in the pre-med curriculum that includes biology, chemistry, statistics, and sociology. I’m so proud of her.

Gabe won a writing prize in a story contest that included 13,000 entries. 700 winners. Go, Gabe. He also got accepted into the University of Montana’s writing program with a $5,000 scholarship. Both of them had incredibly difficult childhoods, then their Dad died.

I admire their resilience.

 

Just a moment:  Here’s an important article in this month’s Atlantic:  The Conservative Movements Intellectual Collapse. Here are two sentences that give you the flavor.

“Trump’s most outrageous innovation was dispensing with the pretense that he needed to provide reasons for his positions…His greatest apostasy was not his rejection of any particular set of ideas, but his categorical rejection of the whole notion of ideas.”   And there you have it. Rule by whim and fancy. Our very own Mad King Donald.

The author, Jonathan Chait, one of my favorite Atlantic writers, shows how first gradually, then in toto, even previously independent think tanks like the Heritage Foundation fell under the Trumpist spell, explaining, for example, the strategic importance of Greenland and the Panama Canal, then, when nothing happened regarding them, stayed silent.

In the vacuum of ideas that is the Trumpian black hole it is not surprising that such entities as the New Apostolic Reformation, Christian Nationalism, and White Supremacists now led by Nick Fuentes who blithely owns his anti-Semitism with no cover at all, have taken the place of thought.

This may, as his term moves closer to its event horizon, leave a real opening for those of us with, well, ideas. There are now, for example, three mayors of major U.S. cities: Seattle, Boston, and New York City who are democratic socialists. Even the faded remnant of the Democratic Party may come up with an idea or two. (he said hopefully.)  May it be so.

 

 

Cancer, Health, Politics, US History

Riders in the Storm

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Samain and the Radiation Moon

Wednesday gratefuls: Ruth. Sugar cream pie. Driving me to radiation today. Luke and Leo. Anne. Waxing crescent Moon. Christmas lights. Jackie and Rhonda. Shadow the mystery. Dog Poems. Billy Collins. Cold night. Darkness growing. Alise and Jenna. Skiing at A-Basin. Jon and my son. Brothers. Gabe, accepted to Montana. Black Bears. Mountain Lions. Wolves. Canada Lynx. Bobcats. Fox.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Linear accelerators

Life Kavannah: Wu Wei    Shadow, my Wu Wei mistress

Week Kavannah:  Gevurah      “While Chesed is associated with flow, Gevurah provides the structure that allows this flow, acting like river banks to channel energy. It is seen as essential for establishing healthy boundaries, creating space for important work, and preserving what is most valuable.”

Tarot: Being a metaPhysician

One brief shining: With Hannukah presents, Christmas presents, a kitchen stool, a ceiling fan, sheets for my bed all delivered, most still in their boxes, my living room looks like a receiving dock, a few opened, those Silence Please mugs for Gabe and Ruth, the Tuskegee Airmen hoodie and baseball cap plus the crystal ball with the planets suspended in it for my son, jigsaw puzzles, a color chart for the wall for Ruth, the kitchen stool, the ceiling fan, the sheets, mechanical puzzles of the most difficult category still taped and sealed shut. Holiseason

 

Alise and Jenna pull me a bit this way and that, put the plastic mesh on, and get me a warm blanket to cover my bare chest. Then they leave the room, closing the foot and a half thick lead and concrete door, and I am alone, offering my cancer as a sacrifice to the gods of radiation with my hands gripping metal rods behind me, keeping my arms out of the way.

A flashing red light signals danger, stay out, yet I remain. The Clinac iX whirs and buzzes, its looming bulkiness hidden from me, rotating, bringing the beam to bear on just. the. right. spot.

And. Over. Alise of the cold hands helps me get up while Jenna strips off the sheet, wipes down the hand rests and the neck rest, readying the sliding bed for another sacrifice already in waiting.

From reading yesterday I learned that a Clinac costs $1.5 million dollars and requires between three and five hundred thousand dollars in maintenance per year. The clinic or hospital also builds a concrete room with thick walls and doors to house it.

 

Just a moment: Comey and James cases dismissed. Presidential fatigue an issue. Red tie guy wants a bigger ballroom. Nobody seems to know whose page they’re reading from in Ukraine peace negotiations. Whatever happened to Gaza?

This clown car administration honks its horns, spins in circles, confuses themselves while the rest of us gasp open mouthed at matters never associated with the Presidency. Like his press secretary assuring us that the President does NOT want to execute members of Congress. Relieved to hear it. Like wanting to build a yet bigger gilded ballroom, one out of proportion with the White House.

Riders in the storm. Into his world we’re thrown.

 

 

Art and Culture, Back Pain, Cancer, Friends, Health, Music

All Alone Behind the Lead Lined Door

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Samain and the Radiation Moon

Tuesday gratefuls: Todd. Alise. Varian. Clinac. Warm blankets. My plastic guide. Sniper rifle beams. Radiation entering my body, headed toward T4 bone marrow/lesion. Only nine sessions to go. Pain still gone. Hip, too. Wearing neck brace when I drive. My treatment November. Chart House. Luke and Leo coming today. Shadow inside. Yeah!

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Medical Engineering

Life Kavannah: Wu Wei    Shadow, my Wu Wei mistress

Week Kavannah:  Gevurah      “While Chesed is associated with flow, Gevurah provides the structure that allows this flow, acting like river banks to channel energy. It is seen as essential for establishing healthy boundaries, creating space for important work, and preserving what is most valuable.”

Tarot: Being a metaPhysician

One brief shining: No Cyberknife moving in its calculated dance around my body, this time a Varian Clinac iX, which Alise controls from a multi-screened room on the other side of the thick lead door that closes quietly, leaving me alone with a linear accelerator hulking behind me, and the precision locating beams-red and green-reading my location as the Clinac moves, buzzing and clicking.

 

Cancer: This session of radiation, my third, has a single target, the lesion in my bone marrow at T4. Instead of going all the way to Lonetree, I hop off 470 at Broadway and head up to Rocky Mountain Cancer Care (RMCC).

Most of the treatment in this case involves positioning my body accurately, using green and red lasers plus the plastic mesh that fits under my chin and over my bare upper thorax. Alise put it in place using the tattoos, small black dots inked on the sides of my chest by Todd during the CT planning procedure.

Since precision in aiming the beam of radiation is key both to killing the cancer cells and not damaging the rest of me, I get the need for multiple ways of saying go here, not there to the radiation. In and out in twenty minutes, less than five of which involved actual radiation.

 

Back and hip pain: The ablation continues to give me a pain free left lower back and upper left. The hip feels mostly good, too. Just a bit of tweak if I move in an odd angle.

Lower back right still has significant tightness, a little pain. Since the ablations only work on the arthritis, Kylie told me to expect pain from the bulging discs to continue. She was right.

Even so, a huge improvement. My driving stamina, which I will test each day going to RMCC, has improved, too, but not nearly as much as I had hoped. I was not in agony on the drive home, but I was still pretty uncomfortable. That’s with a fifty minute drive out, some sitting and then a drive back for fifty minutes.

I’m going to up my resistance work, stretching, see if I can do better with stronger core muscles.

This sort of adaptation, relief and its limitations, continue the journey of an aging body/self.

 

Opera: Not usually my thing though I love Wagner. I know, I know, an anti-semite, but what an artist! Watched an opera initiated by Yin, of Scott and Yin, with other members of the Chinese Heritage Foundation and staged by the San Francisco Opera.

An amazing, engaging, important work. The Journey of the Monkey King. If you can see it, take the chance. It will not disappoint you. Both libretto and the staging are, in my opinion, genius.

Cooking, Dogs, Politics, US History

Never Waste a Crisis

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Samain and the Radiation Moon (#1)

Monday gratefuls: Meds. Orgovyx and Erleada. Radiation. Dr. Carter. Our current mess. Shadow, the regressor. Never waste a crisis. Cold weather. A Mountain morning. Sheet pan cooking. The Ancient Brothers. My electric blanket. Ukraine. Gaza. All the people. Imagine. Peace. Cold war. My son. His neighborhood: South Korea, North Korea, Japan, Taiwan, China, the Philippines.

Sparks of Joy and Awe:  Learning, again, from Shadow

Life Kavannah: Wu Wei    Shadow, my Wu Wei mistress

Week Kavannah:  Gevurah      “While Chesed is associated with flow, Gevurah provides the structure that allows this flow, acting like river banks to channel energy. It is seen as essential for establishing healthy boundaries, creating space for important work, and preserving what is most valuable.”

Tarot: Being a metaPhysician

One brief shining: The Chinese cleaver, now my favorite knife, sliced through the peeled Red Onion, halving it, and then cut 1/2 inch wedges, after the Onion, halving each Cherry Tomato as easily as the Onion, finally cutting the salami into 1/2 inch strips and placing all of them in the big mixing bowl with the Pepperoncini, the vinagrette, the Chickpeas, the quartered Radicchio, mix with the wooden spoon till coated, then spread out evenly on a sheet pan and roast at 450 for twenty minutes. Four meals. Slick.

 

Dog journal: Diane noted the other day that I’d stopped writing about Shadow as our relationship had begun to normalize. Well… Right now we are, once again, at Shadow outside, her breakfast ready an hour and a half ago;  her outside Water frozen, and yet she. will. not. come inside. Why? I have no idea.

Unless. Was it my erratic, drug addled behavior on Friday afternoon and part of Saturday. She’s used to me behaving one way and I slept the day away, fed her an hour late in the evening. Whatever it was, she has returned to her skittish, threshold shy persona of months ago and bolts, flees instead of coming in to eat and drink. Primal needs. A puzzle.

 

Just a moment: Though I can see his decompensation, though his erratic behavior, both in foreign affairs and domestic matters long ago became self-evident, though he has no moral compass and plummeting poll numbers, yet his wrecking ball of an administration continues to level much more than the east wing of the Whitehouse.

USAID. Gone. Department of Education. Almost Gone. Trust in the CDC. Weakened, maybe beyond fast repair. Trust in economic data produced by the U.S. government, the basis of sound decision making. Shattered. Misuse of the military, illegal orders. State murder in the Caribbean. Firing military leaders of color. Firing female Admirals and Generals. Diminishing trust in our Universities and Colleges. Ruining our reputation as a staunch ally. Aiding former enemies and punishing friends.

I’ve been thinking about the political axiom, never waste a crisis. Why? Because change has to happen then, the only choice is how, if possible, to direct it. If we can use this random, crazed attack on our republic as an opportunity to build it back better, more responsive to the needs of Now-think climate change, an open hearted country, defender of the weak, health care, affordable housing, education relevant to all student’s needs-then perhaps this immoral agent of flagrant corruption will have served a purpose.