Category Archives: Dreams

A Conductor Filled With Rain

Spring                                                                             Planting Moon

As I pushed leek plants into the soil this morning, I saw my dream night in a different way. Each spring the dead earth, the decayed plants and animal carcasses join together, strike up a symphony for life that waits only the warmth of the audience hall and a conductor filled with rain.

Then, that terrible moment of late fall or early winter when everything becomes dormant, goes chthonic, or dies, gives witness to its eventual purpose.   A work of music so vital, so alive that it will fuel a whole growing season, bringing movement after movement after movement until the applause dies down in late October.

(Persephone_Opens_Likon_Mystikon–a mystic winnowing fan.)

That icy hand of death in whose grasp I felt my soul earlier can be seen, perhaps ought to be seen, as the hand that turns the compost barrel, keeping the fertile loam of humanity rich and ready for the next season.  A season in which I can rise again, vital and alive, a movement, another movement, in another season.

These times between the seasons have abundant mythological content, gathered in by poet harvesters and folklore gleaners, just so we will not forget what is so obvious.  That death is not an end, not an end no more than birth is a beginning.  They are, rather, rests in the music of the spheres.

The Other Side

Spring                                                              Planting Moon

The rest of the night went well.  I dreamt of Gods and movement among the gods, adventures on strange landscapes.  There was, too, a series of dreams that saw fruit as the clear solution to most problems.  Sounds hokey I know, but it was more a healthful living trumps disease sort of thing.  And last a way to attain enough resources to always be ready.  For anything.

(Edward Robert Hughes, On the Wings of Morning)

As I write this list, I can see that my mind moved from the pit to the heavens, from the thin dressing of soil over the chthonic to life on the plains of this earth, our place, our true heaven, not far away and out there, but here among the fruits and resources and gods we already have.

It’s not, you see, that those first dreams had it wrong.  Death is a trapdoor that opens beneath each one of us, dropping us either out of existence altogether or into the next realm.  And the unknowable aspect of death bares the teeth of an unseen beast, whether friendly or not, we do not know.

It is not death itself that is the source of the fear, though it seems so.  Rather, it is the fear of what death brings in its wake.  And that fear is ours.  Not essential.  And since it is ours we can head into it, face it, embrace it and be lifted up.  If we dare.

Night Terrors

Spring                                                                                  Planting Moon

Night terrors.  Slivers of dreams with metaphors like the trapdoor of life being opened as I fell through it.  Others, not so specific, but the same existential dread.  The mind trying to come to grips with the ungrippable, because it is the moment of letting go, not holding on.

That dread, the one that lurks beneath many, if not all of our fears, reveals us as the special animals we are.  Not only do we know their is an end, we know that it comes for us, waits around the bend of lives, just out of sight.  Until it isn’t.

(Arnold Bocklin, the Tomb)

As the New Testament says, we know not the day nor the hour.  And goes on to urge getting right with God.  Here on the plains of earth where God is still the one who invented death in the Garden, getting right is no surcease of sorrow, brings no balm to the wounded soul.

What can?  I’m inclined to go with the Tibetan Buddhists on this one, Yamatanka shows us the way.  We imagine our death, see it, embrace it, accept it.  Only in this way can the dread become knowing, become a doorway rather than a wall of fear.  How to do this?  A very good question.

One I’ve obviously not answered yet.  I’ve been thinking about visiting the Tibetan monastery here, the one supported by my friend Gyatsho Tshering.  See if I can learn more.

Right now I only know that death reached out its icy hand and squeezed my soul tonight.  And it scared me.

 

Oh, man.

Imbolc                                                                      Bloodroot Moon

Oh, man.  Staying up late no longer has the romance it used to have, or else the way I feel after, like this morning, has simply become intolerable.  Whatever I don’t like the feeling, jangly, edgy, a bit morose.

Had a dream last night where someone tried to steal my laptop.  While I had it in my hands.  I cried out, “Stop that!” and flung my arms up, waking myself up.  Pre-travel jitters I imagine.

Now when I travel, or at least prior to travel, I have a period, sometimes intense, of not wanting to go.  Not wanting to leave the predictable comforts of home for the uncertainty of the road, the hassles, the physical demands.  Once I leave the house this all wanes and then again I delight in travel.  The strangeness of it.  The oddities.  Even the hassles, so long as they don’t involve running for airplanes.

My family was born to travel.  Mom went to Europe as a WAC during WWII.  Dad traveled happily and often within the US with the occasional trip to Canada.  Once, even, to Singapore.  Mark has traveled the world since college or close thereafter.  Mary moved to Malaysia many years ago and both still wander.  Mary just returned to Singapore from Valencia and England.  Mark toured Saudi Arabia over his break.

Wanderlust, I suppose.  A sense that the present moment, the home, needs the occasional view from afar.  A desire to see what’s over the next hill.  In the next valley.  Around the next bend.  There is, too, at least for me, gaining a clear sense of my Self as stranger in this world, one alone while living with others.  This existential isolation hides often at home, the quotidian a salve for it.

So, Washington, D.C.  I was last there during a layover for a train home from Savannah, Georgia.  I went to the National Gallery that day; I’ll go again this week.

Legacy

Imbolc                                                            Valentine Moon

Writing.  Learning about the craft 20 years after devoting myself to it.  Yes, I admit it.  Kate was right.  Though I don’t recall, she says she urged me to go to the Loft way back, back in the days after I left the Presbytery.  Now I am.  To learn about publishing and about serious revision.  She’s often more clear about my vocation than I am.  Strange, but true.

The third phase continues to shimmer in front of me, a veiled space not yet known, the part of life that lies on boundary with the undiscovered country which doubles its resonance as if a great bronze tocsin tolls; though still faraway, its sound grows stronger with each passing day.

So. Legacy, then.  What will remain of mine when I cross the veil and enter that other world?  Of course there will be the vague collation of memories in children and grand-children, the sort of hazy recollection that fades with each passing generation.  Of course. There will be, too, the even gauzier remnants of actions taken:  those apartments and houses on the West Bank, a strengthened legislative program at the Sierra Club, work for non-profits and affordable housing through various groups, but in these my print lies barely visible, as it should be, but it means that connection will soon be lost.  If it has not been lost already.

Where I have most hope lies in the words I have written, like my father before me.  No wonder then that as the third phase beckons and the life of the past recedes writing becomes more important.  There is a sense in which legacy is a thing of vanity only and in that regard insignificant, after all most of us travel that last ancientrail unknown soon after we have set out.  There is, though, another sense in which legacy matters because it matters; that is, the legacy continues to entertain, to provoke, to evoke, to engage not in the world of the hereafter but in the world that is here after we are.

It is to this sort of legacy that I aspire and its persistence through time will depend on the quality of the work and thought I bring to it.  I know it seems perverse from some perspectives but I do not care about my legacy while I live.  Fame or money or recognition do not matter.  Only the work.  If any of them would come, I would choose money for the freedom it would give Kate and me to travel.  Recognition matters to me only as affirmation of labor’s worth.  But I value my work myself, so it is not needed.

 

Moving forward by taking no action

Imbolc                                                                   Valentine Moon

This last week was a bust as far as Latin or the book.  It was spent in the emotional and rigorous task of restoration, order to books, objets d’art, the new furnace.  Hardly wasted effort, but the effect on forward progress was substantial.

You may notice that I’ve added a quote by Lao-Tze over the weather.  In it he advises the way of wu wei, of non-action, or, better of going with the flow, following the path life offers rather than overburdening it with goals, timelines, projects.  It’s not a huge difference from the Dalai Lama’s notion that the world does not need more successful people.  This week I’ve allowed the pace of the week to set my pace.  The result has been less frustration, less impatience.

When the way opens again for work with Latin and the novels, I will be ready to do that.

Though.  There is that tiny, niggling fact that I have northern European roots, not Chinese. Wu wei to my Teutonic ancestors would not have made much sense.  Set the goal, plow ahead, damn the obstacles.  Blitzkrieg.  Dynamite. (Nobel) The onward rush of history, it’s progress through material reality.  These are not the thoughts or inventions of people who follow the Watercourse Way.

Nor, for that matter, is the other ethnic blood in my veins, Celtic.  Hot-blooded, quick to laugh, quick to anger.  Impatient with oppression.  Creative and dreamy.  Living in this world and the other world.  In one case the rational tank rolls over barriers; in the other the emotional maelstrom cooks up revolution and poetry and love.

Wu wei is a corrective, another way of being in the world.  And we need it.  It leavens our energetic attempts to mold the world with a willingness to listen to how the world might mold us.

It’s for another time, but the long run application of Taoist and even Confucian principles have produced a moral and ethical sink in contemporary China.  They are not the whole way.  We need each other.

 

The Life Ahead

Imbolc                                                                Valentine Moon

So.  66.  Tomorrow.  How that long-haired, green book bag carrying, dope smoking political radical could be turning 66 is, I admit, a puzzle.  Yes, he looks a bit different in the mirror.  Well, ok, quite a bit different.  Instead of long hair, little hair.  Instead of the book bag, a kindle.  Not smoking at all.  Hmmm, still a radical though.  Guess the other stuff is detritus of past fashion.

After passing the last great social milestone before the final one, that is, signing up for Medicare, my life has taken on a new cast.  I’ve written about it here, a change that came gradually but with a strange persistence.  That new cast has home, writing, Latin and friends as its core.  It entails reduced traveling into the city, a much lower profile in terms of volunteer work in either politics or the arts.  A word that sums it for me is, quieter.

Quieter does not mean less energetic or engaged, rather it signals a shift in focus toward quieter pursuits:  more reading, more writing, more scholarship, more time with domestic life.  Unlike the pope I do not intend to give up my beloved theological writing. (Kate believes he’s suffering from dementia.)  I intend rather a full-on pursuit of the writing life, novels and short stories, a text on Reimagining Faith.  This full-on pursuit means active and vigorous attention to marketing.

The primary age related driver in this change is greater awareness of a compressed time horizon, not any infirmity.  How many healthy years will I have?  Unknown, though I do actively care for myself.  Still, the years will not be kind, no matter what I do.  So, I had best get my licks in now, while I can still work at my optimum.

So, the man turning 66 has a different life ahead of him than did the man turning 65.   An exciting and challenging life.

 

Out of the Corner of Your Eye

Samhain                                                          Moon of the Winter Solstice

Ever have a fleeting moment of intense interest in something?  Say, military planning or the Tang dynasty or who was Zoroaster anyway?  Intense here means wanting to stop that moment and pick up a book on the Roman epic poem then another then another then Roman epic poems or the reverse order.  Just intense longing to know, to scratch an intellectual itch because you. need.  to. know.

Perhaps you see a scene on a TV show that reminds you of a movie that suddenly you have to see.  Or, maybe a scene in a movie inspires a trip to somewhere, say New York City in the summer of 1968 or a slide in an art history lecture about the churning of the sea of milk finds you tickets in hand for Siem Reap, Cambodia on the next plane out of Bangkok.

An artifact or a magazine photo makes the four corners area and its pueblo dwellings, the mystery of the Anasazi the focus of your next vacation.

A painting hanging here says we must hold fast to the dream that reason will prevail.  That seems off.  What will prevail are these momentary infatuations, these long lost loves of places and people and books.  Reason has had its shot.  Heard round the world.  Now let dreams themselves have a chance to prevail.

Reason works in pounding engines and the quiet electronic transfers within computers great and small, but when dreams float into the mind.  Well, then.  The dream sweeps reason into a corner, where it well might do something productive, but not because anyone cares. At least not at that moment.

We must that dreams and their reasons will prevail.  That a dream filled with temples shot through with roots of the Kapok tree can merge with Times Square when the ball is about to drop and make a world chained to the past and open to the future.

 

A Stray Bit of Collective Unconscious?

Fall                                                                   Harvest Moon

Must still be healing.  Slept 9 + hours last night with nary a peep till morning.  Had a dream at the last about finding a job at the city or county level in economic and community development.  A guy who asked questions about it had made a clever three-d map of some area I’ve visited a lot in my dreams.  When asked what one structure was, he said, “Oh, that’s Stirling Bridge*.”  We then spent a while trying to figure out just where it was.  It opened out on Highway 25, just about where I thought.  Where ever that is.

*OK.  This is weird.  I put Stirling Bridge in Google, just to check.  And there it is.  In fact I’ve been across it on our honeymoon while riding the train to Inverness.

The Battle of Stirling Bridge was a battle of the First War of Scottish Independence. On 11 September 1297, the forces of Andrew Moray and William Wallace defeated the combined English forces of John de Warenne, 6th Earl of Surrey and Hugh de Cressingham near Stirling, on the River Forth.

 

The Dark of Night

Fall                                                                    Harvest Moon

As extraordinary in a positive way were the last week’s dreams, so were last night’s extraordinary in a dark way.  Guns and violence, dogma challenged and overturned an orgy of resistance.  It was cathartic, visionary, albeit a bit troublesome.  Yet, also like the last week’s dreams, these were memorable.  Colorful, full of characters, rich scenes.