Spring and the Trial Moon

Sunday gratefuls: Melissa’s shrimp stir fry, chicken noodle soup. Some sleep. Sweet Shadow. Searching for the pony.

Rene Good. Alex Pretti. Say their names.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Sadness

Kavannah:  Zerizut.  Zest and Zeal. Enthusiasm. Risking a gray, homebound life. Need a push.

Tarot: paused

One brief shining: Shooting for minimal but still daily posts. The view from Shadow Mountain, a bit bleak. Weak. Fatigued. Fever yesterday. So. Tired.

Not sure, but here’s my best guess. Two vectors, intimate yet distinctive. The physical: Bout, tough bout, of constipation. The trial introduces prednisone. Several sleeplessness nights. Perhaps a g.i. bug of some sort. Limited nutrition. Persistent dry mouth. Side effects of actinium. (maybe) Fatigue induced by low testosterone, low blood pressure, inadequate nutrition.

The psychic: Hard to bounce back emotionally. The body. Day after day. Unrelenting. Little, or glacial, movement forward. At some point a week or so ago: Is this worth it? No. Let’s go with the downward arc. Let it be.

Eleven years, now into twelve of cancer. Blood tests, insurance hassles. A constant, significant background, sometimes pushing into the foreground. Like now. Jon’s divorce. Kate’s long illness. Her death. My grief. Jon’s death. Much more involvement with Ruth and Gabe. Metastases. Stage 4. Holding myself up, finding purpose. Yes. Also. So many points of pressure.

Flash forward. See physical above. Now layer onto that eleven years of shocks and upset. The two together. Reinforcing. A negative synergy.

I know. Stabilize the physical. Clear up the psychic by reaching back, towards resilience earned and learned. Recharge. Forward.

I need to ride this out. Take care it doesn’t overwhelm me.

Right now? Difficult.

Spring and the Trial Moon

Shabbat gratefuls: Melissa. Ruth. Gabe. Shadow of the morning. CNS. Neck. Gut. Shrimp stirfry. Mac and cheese. Sleep.

Rene Good. Alex Pretti. Say their names.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Naps

Kavannah: Zerizut.  Zest and Zeal. Enthusiasm. Risking a gray, homebound life. Need a push.

Tarot: paused

One brief shining: First. Apologies for my erratic posting. Life over the last month, six weeks has taken a toll. Second, I am getting better sleep. Not enough, but better. I’ll admit the last two weeks have been tough. Yet, I’m still here. Adapting. Moving forward.

Ruth came up Thursday around 11:00. We talked. My woes. Her ulna–too long–which will get surgically shortened in early June. She had her last final that morning and all the while we talked, she kept refreshing her phone, hoping more grades had been posted. She’s done well so far.

At 6 PM the now committed Regis University student, Gabe, came up by commuter bus. He and Ruth bought pizza at Ripple for supper. Gabe says he’s not excited yet about Regis. In July, I will be.

This fall all the grandkids will be in college. Wow. A long way from Ruth’s first trip with me to the National Western Stockshow at age 3. From holding a naked 8 day old Gabe on my lap as the mohel made him part of the covenant.

The Great Circle of life.

Melissa came again. Her husband, former paratrooper in the Army’s 101st Airborne, works now as a mechanic on heavy equipment, an installer of car stackers, and the go-to guy if industrial strength belts are involved.

Yesterday she made chicken noodle soup, shrimp stir-fry, and one I don’t remember. She’s quite a cook with a wide repertoire.

Busy day yesterday interspersed with naps. Sorting through my feelings about weakness, my neck, cancer. Trying to find a sweet spot. Eluding me so far.