Ostara and Kate’s Moon
Saturday gratefuls: Kate’s clear head, her choices. Death with dignity as an option. The Ancient Friends. Rabbi Jamie. CBE. Sleep. Kep and Rigel.
Sparks of Joy: Sarah calling the Long Term Care folks. A Golden with his head out the window of a pickup truck.
I know about true love. And, about bad love. Kate and I lived and loved into each other, saying yes. Saying of course you can. Of course we can. In bad love you hear and say no, you can’t do that. I don’t want to. Not now.
We bring out the depth of each others soul. Kate’s needle gifts, her love of Mother Earth, Flowers, Vegetables, Dogs, Fruit. Grandchildren. Sons. My writing. My love for Mother Earth, Flowers, Vegetables, Dogs, Fruit. Grandchildren. Sons. Not hidden, not wished for, but acted upon.
Supporting each other, even when the world might not agree. Have 7 Wolfhounds and two Whippets? Sure. Put in an orchard? Of course. Go around Latin America. No question. Move to Colorado? Not only that, let’s go up in the mountains. End life on your own terms? Yes, if that’s what you need.
This ancientrail of human life may have come close to an end for Kate. She wants to consider death with dignity. I imagine she’ll choose it. Does it make me scream inside? Yes. Does it make me sad? Yes. Will I support her? Yes, as in all things.
This is stark. It means a time certain, not an ambiguous, drawn out process. But, the end is the same. And, it’s coming for Kate, as it is for us all. Just sooner for her.
I cried a lot last night. Sat up with friends talking. Then, slept well. No anxiety. This is sad. Not unexpected. No details yet. It’s not decided decided. But I know Kate. Once she broached this idea, her mind was close made up.
It makes sense to me. She was told she’d have to wear the bipap at least at night from now on. She hates it. It’s intrusive, invasive, and claustrophobic. There is no hope she’ll come off of it. Also, she’s exhausted from a two and a half year struggle with first this, then that.
She’s so frail, her breathing labored, her movement restricted to bed, mostly. No magic bullet. No procedure. No medications left.
What would you do?