Category Archives: Health

Health

Doing What I Can

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Lughnasa and the Cheshbon Nefesh Moon

Monday gratefuls: Shadow of the morning. Darkness, my old friend. The Ancient Brothers on honor. Mark, found work in Hafar. Cancer. Buphati. Swedish. Down the hill. Erleada and Orgovyx. Life extenders. My son, 44 next month. Murdoch. Lenovo Thinkpad. My favorite computer ever. Knowledge. Talmud Torah. Understanding. Learning. Wisdom.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Mussar

Year Kavannah: Wu Wei

Week Kavannah: Ometz Lev. The inner strength to move forward.

Tarot: #4, The Lord      When upright, The Lord card signifies a time to take control and establish order. It encourages using logic and discipline to achieve goals and provide security.  Gemini

One brief shining: As the mornings stay dark longer, as the air grows cooler, and the Aspens and Willows await the signal for their golden moment, I gather years of thoughts on the fallow time, my Winter Solstice meditations, and become quiet, my journey along the Great Wheel continues. For now.

 

Health: Yes. My oncology appointment. We cancer folk have these punctuations in our lives. Blood draws. Scans of this sort and that. Radiation visits. Because cancer can rear up, spread its hood, and strike suddenly. Vigilance. Surveillance.

Also means that life never has that ah, I’m on the hiking trail and nothing else exists moment. In the three months between blood draws I take my Erleada in the morning and Orgovyx at night. I have to manage those prescriptions.

Not to say I don’t have many times, most times, when cancer lies apart from my day-to-day. I do. Cancer is not life. It is death. And in that sense, so very ordinary. Blindingly mundane.

What I mean is that cancer does not change the journey-birth, life, death-but it does keep some attention always on that point where the GPS can no longer find the way.

Living with a terminal illness is, to say it another way, just that. Living. I’m so grateful I’ve had the chance to live and not die sooner. I’m also grateful that I have this opportunity each morning to set down my thoughts and feelings. What a privilege.

On a different note. I have renewed my workouts. Feeling better. Life span. Health span. Health span increases do not, by themselves, equal good quality of life. Even if medicine extends life, feeling good requires effort. In the late seventies, certainly in the eighties, quality of life relies as much, if not more, on diet and regular movement. Walks, workouts, bicycles.

I learned that lesson, again, over the first few months of this year when I stopped working out, ate poorly, became melancholic. A non-virtuous cycle.

My quality of life, enhanced by Shadow and Artemis, began to tick up in July. Today I feel good. Right now, thanks to some endorphins from my workout, but also from knowing I’m doing what I can. The rest is up to doctors and medical care.

A tarot note on the Lord which seems apropos here:

  • Structure and stability: The Lord can point to the creation of necessary structures and routines to build a secure and stable foundation for the future.  Gemini

 

 

 

Dogs, Family, Far Right, Friends, Greenhouse, Health, Mussar, Politics, US History

Demented

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Lughnasa and the Cheshbon Nefesh Moon

Sunday gratefuls: Kavod. Honor. Ruth, up here. Her college days. Work, loans, heavy homework load: Biology, Chemistry, Statistics. Sociology. Gabe, a senior. Warmer. Sadly. Our demented President. Chipocalypse Now. Our frustrated and divided nation. Shadow. The keeper of our safety. Lorikeets and Magpies in Melbourne. Murdoch, aging.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Shadow’s teeth, her front paws

Year Kavannah: Wu Wei

Week Kavannah: Ometz Lev. Strength of the heart. The inner strength to move forward.

Tarot: #8, Strength. Reversed (Druid Craft)     The reversed Strength card can appear when you question your own courage and abilities. You may feel a sense of inadequacy or that you are not strong enough to handle a situation. Gemini

One brief shining: Sometimes the Tarot arrows down into the psyche, turning over carefully placed rocks, uncovering hidden fear, masked feelings, and there is the possibility that after my visit to Dr. Buphati, I could be shaken, wondering how to gather my ometz lev for the ancientrail ahead. I read it though as a caution, a yellow flag. Be aware and ready.

 

Dog journal: Put my head on my pillow, drifting, ready to party with Morpheus when, “Grrr.” A low rumble from Shadow’s chest. Then, “Bark.” Muffled. A moment. “Bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark.” Something had invaded her territory. Go away. Go away. Get thee hence. Vamoose. In urgent Dog. Right by my ear.

She quieted and I did slip away from the surly bounds of consciousness. Another night of Shadow’s.

 

Artemis: Nathan has two hernias. And a fair amount of work to finish. The cold frames. Lapping the Cedar. Some rubberizing of window spaces and doors. He plans to supervise another carpenter to get Artemis finished, ready for winter.

More and more Tomatoes, mostly still green. Some carrots peeking through. Kale tall and proud. Spinach and Beets, too. I’m having a lot of fun. A dormant part of my life revivified.

 

Family: Ruth came up last night. Needed a change of scenery. And, she missed me. We saw each other on Kate’s birthday, August 18th. Not since then.

She’s maturing so fast. Holding down two jobs. In her first semester of her new, STEM focused major, Integrative Physiology. Talking about cations and anions. Naming molecules. Also looking ten years ahead, all focused on an M.D.

This is still the week of Jon’s yahrzeit, challenging for both her and Gabe. A bit raw. As well she might be. Yet. Living on her own. Managing multiple sources of money. Handling the work of a difficult major. On her own for good now.

 

Friends: Saw Alan for lunch at the new Cow in downtown Evergreen. Passable. He was on his way to a 2:30 curtain call. Annie Gets Her Gun on Center Stage. He shaved his always beard, sacrificing for his art.

 

Just a moment: Chicago will find out why it’s called the Department of War. Jesus. Chipocalypse. I love the smell of deportations in the morning. That loose tether to reality has come unmoored and we’re left with a scared little man who wants to play army with U.S. citizens as the other side. Will no one rid us of this troublesome nut job? Impeach him and be done with him.

Asia, Cooking, Family, Fourth Phase, Health, Politics, Travel

Now, not so other

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Lughnasa and the Cheshbon Nefesh Moon

Thursday gratefuls: Natalie. Mussar. Luke and Leo. Ginny and Janice. Annie and Luna. Tara. Eleanor. Paul and Findlay. Jim Butcher, a summer’s entertainment. PSA. Testosterone. Kailie. Marny Eulberg. Dr. Buphati. Shadow, her mornings. Mine. The darkness increasing.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Western Medicine

Year Kavannah: Wu Wei

Week Kavannah: Ometz Lev. Strength of the heart. The inner strength to move forward. Courage.

Tarot: #0, The Fool (Druid Craft)

  • Optimism and trust: Have confidence that you have everything you need to begin this new phase. The Fool’s lack of baggage is a strength, not a weakness.
  • Living in the moment: This card encourages you to enjoy the process and worry less about the future. It’s a reminder to approach life with childlike wonder.
  • Embracing your inner eccentric: The Fool operates outside conventional rules and norms. Your unique approach to life is to be celebrated. 

One brief shining: Ate the last of the hard boiled eggs with a bit of the regenerative farming sourced dried steak, some mayonnaise, and a banana after I finished my workout, a leg and core day using exercises from Halle, who now works in Dallas, a bit of cardio, another full morning.

 

Health: In somewhat new territory. My PSA rose to .3 from .19. Not a huge rise, certainly not a doubling which always gets attention. Even so, it’s not the direction I want. Probably means another blood draw on Monday as a check, then another one 4-6 weeks later.

At some point, maybe now, I become the Fool on another stage of this eleven year long cancer path. The Fool reminds me to take even this possibility as part of the process. A part that does not suppress seeing the world with childlike wonder. Live until l die.

Mountain View Pain called and scheduled my lidocaine injections, October 1st and 2nd. Left side, right side. The lidocaine anesthetizes my lumbar nerves. Seeing if numbing those nerves stops my pain. That guides the upcoming nerve ablations on October 15th and 16th. Those ablations plus the butran patch should knock down most of my pain. May it be so.

a bit corny, yet…

I feel ok about all of this. Part of living with chronic pain and a terminal illness. I did choose ometz lev as my week kavannah knowing my PSA could change. Strength of heart, the inner strength to move forward. I needed it when I read that number yesterday. And, I had it. I did sit for a minute, looking out my upstairs window as a car went by on Black Mountain Drive, considering my alone but not lonely life.

 

Just a moment: The Chinese military Parade. Modi, Putin, Xi Jinping, and Kim Jong Un. A world without us. My son close by in South Korea. Seoah, too. And, the Jangs.

Asia used to seem so far away, so exotic, so other. Then Mary went to K.L. Mark to Bangkok. Kate, my son, and I to Beijing.  Mary to Singapore. My trip to Singapore, Bangkok, Angkor Wat.  Then my son to Korea where he met Seoah. Kate and I to South Korea and Singapore. Later, my son and Seoah to Singapore.   My trip to South Korea. Still far away, now not so other, though often still exotic.

 

 

Cooking, Greenhouse, Health

The Sacred, always, everywhere

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Lughnasa and the Cheshbon Nefesh Moon

Labor Day gratefuls: Labor unions. Working class Americans. Of all colors. AI. Productivity. Work. Leisure. Fertility. Births. Their decline in the U.S. Shadow, destroyer of towels. Right now. Artemis. Her heater. Kale and Spinach growing. Beets, too. Tomatoes fully developed. Need to mature. Carrots planted, waiting on the Garlic.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Great Sol + photosynthesis

Year Kavannah: Wu Wei

Week Kavannah:  Ometz Lev. Inner strength to move forward. Courage.

Tarot: A Celtic Cross spread on the question, what is my purpose in the next three months?

One brief shining: The acrid smell of Tomato Plants, the wavy swaying of Kale in a light breeze, the solid green of Spinach Leaves, Beets in their red and green push into the Soil and above it, Artemis supporting her children as they race the coming cold and waiting for the Garlic Cloves which need the cold to grow, a garden in miniature.

Artemis: The coming of fall brings the chance of frost, which all but the Tomatoes can weather. This vital connection to the Soil, to growing things, the miracle of photosynthesis. Yes, always yes. Living into the Greenman within. And, the Green Woman, too.

That moment each day when I go to the beds, see the growth, even from yesterday, Tomatoes hanging from sturdy Stalks. Next is sweet redness. The Kale and the Spinach should be enough for at least one salad. The Beet Leaves will help. Whether the Beet Root will swell in time I’m unsure.

Garlic, as I’ve written before, has a special spot in my heart. Plant it in the fall, harvest it in late spring. A contrarian.

 

Cooking: Yesterday I made my first complete meal in a while. Rare tenderloin with butter seared Morels, Corn on the Cob, and sliced Bell Peppers. Glad I have those soft rubber mats. They ease the standing.

Ate about half of the tenderloin and the Corn. All the Morels and Bell Peppers. Steak sandwich for Labor Day lunch.

 

Celtic Cross Spread:  Decided I would start having quarterly major spreads since cancer parses my life into blood draws every three months. Tomorrow. Again.

No expectations. Que serait, serait. Whatever will be, will be. The future’s not ours to see. A favorite song of my mom’s.

Yet. What about the next three months? Since these short windows, similar, it has occurred to me, to quarterly earnings reports for corporations, can mark significant change-though I hope they don’t; stable is good-I choose to see them as units of my life. Each different. Four seasons. Four quarters. My own Great Wheel.

The top right card of the staff, the four cards on the right, represents the likely outcome for this quarter if I pursue my creativity, the three of stones, and lean into those who offer me support and kindness in a gentle independent way, the queen of bows. My challenge, the crossing card, the two of arrows, represents, I think, slipping into melancholy due to the physical and occasional canine challenges I face. I suppose that’s where leaning into support comes in.

The outcome card seems apt to me. The Shaman, #1 of the major arcana. The Shaman in The Wildwood Tarot represents a deep connection to the natural world and ancestral wisdom. He is a mediator between the visible and unseen realms, using nature’s energy to bring healing, insight, and understanding to the community. Gemini

As the seasons change from harvest to fallow time and Holiseason commences my place, my spot in that change remains constant, one who sees the world both as it is and as it can be seen to be.

 

Commentary on the news, Dogs, Family, Health, Shadow Mountain

Tragedy grown from tragedy

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Lughnasa and the Cheshbon Nefesh Moon

Shabbat gratefuls: Teshuva. Candles. Ellul. Morning darkness. Shadow, my sweet girl. Kate, always Kate. Artemis, aglow with her heater. Which also illuminates the Japanese lanterns. Cool night. Fog. Dew point. Humidity. Monsoon Rains. Winds. Great Sol still hidden by Mother Earth. My son. Seoah. Murdoch. Coffee. A morning delight.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: My son and Seoah

Year Kavannah: Wu Wei (and my mentor in it, Shadow)

Week Kavannah: Ometz Lev. Inner strength to move forward. Courage

Tarot: Seven of Swords (Druid Craft deck)

  • Intelligence over Brute Force:

    Rather than aggressive action, the Seven of Swords advises using your intellect to navigate difficult situations smartly. 

  • Truth-Seeking:
    The card encourages looking beyond the surface and discerning the real truth of a situation, avoiding self-deception or being deceived by others.

One brief shining: Next week another blood draw, my quarterly instance of true high stakes testing, a titch of anxiety already making its way into consciousness, roiling slightly the calm waters of my inner world, while I go through the now well worn ruts of it will be what it will be, life is short and I’m old, a good run so far, wonder what happens in the new territory if and when I get there.

 

Cancer: Stable so far. PSA next week. I’ve responded well to androgen deprivation therapy ever since the last dose of my long radiation. Over six years. In other words Orgovyx and Erleada have kept my cancer in stasis through Kate’s illness, through my second visit to Korea, through my son’s taking command of his squadron, through Covid, through the deaths of Gertie, then Kate, Rigel, Kepler, and Jon, through my conversion, through adopting Shadow, through the building of Artemis. I bow my head to the scientists who developed them. True life savers.

When looked at from that perspective, gratitude comes unbidden. In this odd case looking backward soothes the soul, while anticipation stains it with worry. An important lesson in living in the moment, in this August 30th life, on this Shabbat.

 

Dog journal: Murdoch, now eight years old, rests a lot. Whenever my son and I talk, he turns the camera to the side or under his desk and there lies a sleeping tan and white Akita, happy with the people he loves.

Murdoch has traveled more than most people. From his birth home outside Macon, Georgia to the not so far away Warner-Robbins AFB. From there to Colorado, Conifer. From Conifer to Loveland. From Loveland to Hawai’i. From Hawai’i to Korea. Throughout he has loved the Sun in spite of his breed’s double coat developed for the Mountains of the Akita prefecture in Japan where Akita’s originated.

Shadow sleeps on her “place.” A towel I’ve been training her to lie on until I say “free” and throw a treat away from it. A calming spot. Good for anxious dogs like her. Shadow Mountain is my place. Hers, too.

 

Just a moment: Read about Robin Westerman’s diaries. Her secret plans and grievances. Her admiration for school shooters. Her careful planning. Makes me sad, not even angry. Tragedy grown from tragedy.

Coronavirus, Family, Far Right, Friends, Health, Politics

National Conservatism

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Lughnasa and the Cheshbon Nefesh Moon

Shabbat gratefuls: Lighting the candles. Gathering in the light. A day for friends, family, naps, and learning. Shadow mornings. Kisses. Training. Outside, Inside. Food. Re’eh. Parsha today. Rain, steady. Artemis. Between 65 and 85 degrees. Tomatoes fruiting. Kale Leaves. Spinach. Beet Roots expanding. Luke and Leo visiting.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Lighting the Candles

Year Kavannah: Wu Wei

Week Kavannah: Rodef Shalom. The desire to generate well-being for ourselves and others.

Tarot: The Seer, #2  “The Seer represents potential and things not yet made manifest. This is a time for quiet, solitary reflection and listening to your inner voice rather than taking action.” Gemini (a good Shabbat card) 

One brief shining: Alan sat at our usual place in the Dandelion, face drawn, his usual high personal energy muted; last week he canceled, a cold he said, but looking at him I knew what it was. Covid.

 

Covid: Alan had tested negative since Wednesday while Cheri still suffered. Covid has not left the house. I’m confident a Department of Health and Human Services war against vaccines will be greeted with good cheer in Covid dining halls. Here’s to RFK, those viruses must say, as they lift a glass to that vacuous ass.

Brought all those Covid times back. Especially Mary, only now a permanent resident of Australia, finally settled in Melbourne. And Seoah. Who ended up here for a few months, then onto two weeks of quarantine in Singapore. Kate, who never saw the end of the pandemic.

That one visit Seoah and I made to Safeway. Empty produce shelves. A staff person (essential workers, remember?) handing out one dozen eggs per customer. How wary we all were of each other.

I pick-up my groceries rather than shop for them myself. Crowds bother me. Enclosed spaces with lots of people, too. Covid boosted my natural introversion, a different, but valid rationale to stay home, see only friends and family.

 

Just a moment: I’m reading, so you don’t have to, Conservatism, by Yoram Hazony. This text by an orthodox Jew who lives and teaches in Israel lies behind Project 2025 and JD Vance’s politics.

In it Hazony argues for what he calls national conservatism. He writes well, a clear prose outlining ideas that guide policy (what there is of it) in the red tie guy’s administration.

National conservatism has, according to Hazony, five main principles:

  1.  Historical empiricism
  2.  Nationalism
  3.  Religion
  4.  Limited Executive Power
  5.  Individual Freedom

Hazony, Conservatism, p. 33-34

This morning we’ll examine historical empiricism. “The authority of government derives from constitutional traditions known, through long historical experience of a given nation, to offer stability, well-being, and freedom.” op cit, p. 33

As you can see from this definition, conservatism bases its rationale for governance on what Hazony insists on calling historical empiricism. I say insists because whatever falls outside of that purview just doesn’t count. Hazony has no problem with that since taking the path laid down by a people and their constitution will (I would say might) produce the key conservative virtues of stability, well-being, and freedom. Stability and order being the key to conservative fealty to the past.

I understand the desire to maintain a certain degree of order and stability in a state. Without order life can sink into chaos. Look at any failed state for the consequences: South Sudan, Congo, El Salvador, Venezuela.

Yet to get that stability by genuflecting to the ways of history leaves out key realities. The role of women, for instance. What to do with LGBT folks. How about the disabled?

Hazony agrees that it would be blind and stupid not to oppose slavery even though it has historical precedence on its side. He seems to think, however, that the case for other groups must remain unheard.

This is, to me, a fundamental flaw and one reason I reject his whole project out of hand. National conservativism appears willing to close off its fifth principle, Individual Freedom, in obeisance to the first.

 

Dogs, Friends, Health, Judaism, Tarot

Tuesday, Tuesday

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Lughnasa and the Korea Moon

Wednesday gratefuls: Shadow, leashed. Sort of. Morning darkness. 40-45 minutes more darkness since the Summer Solstice. Temperate Climates. A feeling of Fall. Natalie. Carol Merz. Paul. Dental hygienist. Luke and the tarot class. Tarot birth cards. Rider-Waite for me: Magician. Wheel of Fortune. Wildwood. The Shaman and the Wheel. The intuitive. The mysterious. Kabbalah.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Luke teaching

Year Kavannah: Wu Wei

Week Kavannah: Histapkot. Contentment.

Tarot: Five of Vessels, Ecstasy

“The beat of the universal drum is heard in the soul and it is healthy to surrender for a time and to join the dance. Energy is renewed by bathing in the cosmic life force…”  Parting the Mists

One brief shining: The gradual increase of darkness soothes me, reminds me of the spectacular gold and green of a Rocky Mountain Fall, while also ushering us away from the growing season toward Samain, Holiseason, and that favorite holiday of mine when the soul bathes in the longest night.

 

Yesterday. Talked to buddy Paul. Another call from Carol Merz, the Sloan-Kettering trial psychotherapist. Natalie, the leashing and unleashing of Shadow. My favorite dental hygienist. The last class of Luke’s, The Cards We’re Dealt.

A packed Tuesday. A theme of Paul and mine’s conversation. Persistence. Staying with life, no matter the historical or physiological barriers.

Carol called. Part of the trial for psychotherapy with people over 70 and living with cancer. Helpful, in a modest way. She’s too enthusiastic for my taste. Too attaboy. On the other hand it is good to be reminded of coping strategies.

Natalie came by. An unusual concern. There was a stabbing in Staunton State Park, only 5 minutes from her house. No one was in custody and the description matched a guy who showed up at her house, pressing the doorbell. Ring camera image on her phone.

Her husband had a stroke and can’t walk. A vulnerable adult and she was here on Shadow Mountain. I learned all this at the end of her session. Strange.

We’ve discovered a way to get Shadow on a leash. If she’s in a lap, being cuddled, she doesn’t mind having the leash put on.

I spent 15 minutes walking inside with her leashed. Leaving slack, never pulling her. Letting her get comfortable with the leash. Slowly. Slowly.

Dr. Josy and Natalie have both suggested a second dog. A playmate for Shadow and a role model for how normal dogs behave. I’ve asked them to look for candidates. Today I don’t want a second dog. Maybe I will again tomorrow.

Over to Aspen Dental. Teeth cleaning. Healthy, pale pink gums. No cavities. Lots of laughter. An insurance thang. Grr.

Last session of Luke’s tarot class through Kabbalah Experience. Accomplished its purpose for me. Back into the cards.

After I finish here, I’m going to make a list of cards I pulled during the class. I’ll let you know what if anything I learn from that.

 

 

Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Health, Judaism, Men, Shadow Mountain

Waking up

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Lughnasa and the Korea Moon

Sunday gratefuls: Professor Luke. Leo, the old. Tuscany Tavern. Rabbi Jamie. Irv. Joe. CBE men’s group. Rain. Hard Rain. Mountains Green. Those forty plus Elk Cows eating Grass in Elk Meadow. Three young Elk Calves crossing with their Mothers. Waiting on them to cross the highway. Mountain Life. Shadow inside when I got home.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: The Elk of Evergreen

Year Kavannah: Wu Wei

Week Kavannah: Histapkot. Contentment.

Tarot: Knight of Vessels, the Eel

One brief shining: Rain pelted down as I drove up Shadow Mountain last night, the Air heavy and cool, while the waning light from Great Sol’s shabbat appearance outlined Conifer Mountain and Black Mountain in the mist. Shadow was inside and dry.

 

Yesterday was busy. By my standards. These days. Even though my breakfast with Alan canceled. He has a cold.

At 11:30 into Evergreen. Tuscany Tavern. Professor Colaciello, He starts teaching chemistry tomorrow at Metro Community College. This was a congratulatory lunch. At his choice of spots.

He explained his plans. “I’m going to open with, Chemistry is the science of transformations!” He has five demonstrations to follow that sentence. One using oil and water. Another using a combustible powder that he holds in his palm. A lighter. Why didn’t it flame up? Then he sprinkles it over the lighter and whoosh. Oxygen.

Dry Ice in Water. With a ph strip. The water becomes acidic as the dry Ice dissolves. Showing his dental hygienist students why carbonated liquids can destroy tooth enamel.

Later in the week, in a mildly ironic moment, he will teach his first class in the Chemistry of Cannabis. It’s an industry here and the industry requires educated workers. Part of the track for budding professionals.

Leo sat on the patio with us as we talked, ate our lunch.

 

Home for a nap with my Shadow girl.

Out to King’s Valley and Bear Park Road to pick up Irv for the CBE men’s group. Turn around and drive back to Evergreen to the Synagogue.

Only four of us. Joe Greenberg. Jamie. Irv. And myself. The topic. How to be with someone suffering from depression.

The smaller group allowed us to go deeper than we might have otherwise. Each of us had either been depressed or had a close family member who was, or had been. Not surprising.

Accompanying. Being with the person. Not trying to cheer them up or fix them, but acknowledging their pain. Letting them know you care for them. Realizing that depression has its own logic, never visible to those on the outside.

I shared my experience of waking up a couple of months ago to my dysthemia over the early months of this year. Chronic pain. Struggles with Shadow. Uncertainty about what was going on with my cancer.

When Kate was alive, she had this job, given to her by my analyst, John Desteian. She would say to me, “I sense you’re slipping into melancholy.” That would help me wake up, earlier. Kate’s gone now. Had to wake myself up. Harder.

 

Fourth Phase, Health, Tarot

Bracing

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Lughnasa and the Korea Moon

Friday gratefuls: Ginny and Janice. Annie and Luna. Shadow and friends. Warmish morning. Beets growing taller. Spinach spreading its still small leaves. Kale as well. Tomatoes fruiting. Growing. Waiting on Soil for the East facing bed. Marny Eulberg. Post-polio syndrome. Post-polio survivors. Like me. Her butterfly garden.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: My neck muscles that have worked so hard all these years

Year Kavannah: Wu Wei

Week Kavannah:  Hakarat Hatov. Recognizing the good

Tarot: The Journey, #13 of the major arcana

One brief shining: Bend your neck to the left, now press against my hand, bend to the right, press against my hand, put your chin on your chest, oh yes, you can only go 10 degrees to the left but almost 40 to the right. Thank you, Marny.

 

Health: Yesterday was post-polio day. I drove down to Wheatridge, a charming place to my surprise, with brick homes, old businesses in older buildings, tree-lined streets. Marny’s home was on a cul-de-sac with five other large houses. Hers stood out because her front yard has a Butterfly Garden instead of Grass. I liked her already.

She met me at the door, her right leg braced, a slight hitch in her step. Gray-haired, a bit plump, with a red t-shirt featuring an Elephant. A grandma, crone figure.

Inside a large open room with a tiled floor, a kitchen area and a living area together. Her dog, a friendly cockapoo with an absurdly long tail licked my hand.

At her invitation I sat at her kitchen table. Two old folks, survivors of the pre-1950 polio epidemic. She handed me some literature about post-polio organizations including one in Colorado.

She read my answers to her new patient three page form, asking me questions as she did. No, no surgeries. Yes, breathing support. Iron lung.

She had me take off my t-shirt and manipulated my neck. All this to create a prescription for the orthotist. A brace-maker. She showed me examples. Similar to one’s used for people who’ve broken their neck. I like this one. Minimalist.

Not sure how often I’ll use whatever one I get. Driving. Yes. In the backyard with Shadow. Yes. Because I tend to walk with my head down I run into Lodgepole Branches. If I get enough pain recession, while hiking. Maybe even at meetings later in the day when my muscles wear down.

I need to have it though because my neck has gotten worse over the past year. Maybe I’ll get comfortable enough with it to wear it more often.

 

Tarot: The Journey. #13 on the Wanderer’s spiritual path through the Wildwood. A little over midway. The Journey card acknowledges death as a part of life’s journey, the end of a life. I can take it at its most literal since the end of my journey has come closer and closer. True of all of us in our late seventies. A step along the way.

I can also take the card as a sign of inner change. Accepting my disabilities. Back pain. Neck atrophy. Accepting my prostate cancer and its own destination. This is, come to think of it, my year kavannah, my intention to live fully into wu wei. Going with life as it presents itself. Going with flow. This is where the winding stream of my life has brought me and I’m fine with letting this kayak bob and weave on its remaining bends and pools and rapids.

 

Dogs, Health

Staying in it

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Lughnasa and the Korea Moon

Wednesday Gratefuls: Kai. Randy. Ginny and Janice. Shadow, hunter of Chipmunks. More green Fruiting Bodies on the Tomato Plants. A dark, warm Morning. Marny Eulberg, post-polio specialist. Hernia. Natalie. Her observations of Shadow. Tom, Roxann, Sylvan. Washington. Korea. Malaysia. Australia. Saud Arabia. USA.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Nerve ablation

Year Kavannah: Wu Wei

Week Kavannah:  Hakarot Hatov. Recognizing the Good

Tarot: Ace of Bows, the spark of life

One brief shining: Collar over the wrist, the attached leash held in a circle bigger than Shadow’s head, left hand with treats, drawing Shadow through the circle, letting her remain there, then pulling the circle back over her head before she can back out, comfort with collar and leash. Slowly. Slowly.

 

Dog journal: Natalie told me anyone else would have returned Shadow to the shelter. Shadow is a free spirit, traumatized therefore always ready to flee, and smart, recognizing dangers to her freedom quickly.

It has been difficult, these last seven months. There were times when I thought neither I nor she could take much more. Yet we’re both stubborn and share a desire for a strong relationship. Believe we’ve got there. Satisfying.

When I look over and see her coiled up next to me in the bed. When she comes running, full tilt, smiling after I call her. When she throws a sock in the air, rolls the ball filled with treats with her nose, performs squeakectomies on stuffed toys. I smile and see the mature dog still hidden by age and past wounds.

Natalie believes an Animal Control Officer used a rabies pole with their wire or cable loops to rescue Shadow from the fire. A frightened puppy already, the rabies pole would only make her fear human contact even more. This seems more than likely to me. Probable.

As I said a while back, Shadow’s history and mine will be written together.

Health: Been having trouble holding my head up for a while now. No. Not shame. Polio. An atrophied muscle in my neck. People would ask me if I felt OK and I’d always say yes, not realizing my head tilted to the right and down. As you can see in the picture.

Now it’s difficult to hold my head up without support. I first learned of this problem in gym class in Junior High. We were learning situps. I had my hands apart over my head, went up toward my knees, then back down and my head dribbled on the floor like a basketball. Hurt.

I was young and that motion is not required often IRL. My other neck muscles compensated. No more hands above head situps and I was good.

Flash forward fifty plus years. Sarcopenia has set in and those compensating muscles have grown tired. Result: looking down as I walk rather than looking ahead. Get hit by low hanging Lodgepole Branches when I’m working with Shadow.

Decided to see an expert in post-polio syndrome, Marny Eulberg. Mostly retired she works out of her house now, does evaluations and prescriptions for assistive devices.

I called her yesterday. She was working in her garden. When she got to her calendar, she said, hmmm. How about this Thursday at 10? Fast. Also, she charges. Nothing. A lifework for her.

When I told her I had bulbar polio, she said, “Oh, that puts you in the 1 or 2 percent right away.” She also said that neck involvement was rare. Like bulbar polio.

Looking forward to meeting her, talking with someone who gets this odd and long lasting dilemma.