Category Archives: Feelings

Tomorrow Wall Down

July 25, 2015 Charles Leave a comment

Summer Recovery Moon

The tomorrow wall has come down. As Kate observed yesterday, “I could tell you were feeling more positive. You wanted to move things around, get a new rug, hang art. Talk about color.” Yes. More color. More art. Get back to home making, not things medical.

We have a new boiler. I’m continent less than a week after the catheter came out and about two and three-quarters months ahead of expectations. We ordered a 9×12 braided rug for the reading area in front of the fireplace. I have a new plumber, recommended by Ken, the Boiler Medic. Things have begun to happen.

Jon’s coming out today to do more bookshelf and handyman work. Jon’s skills make a big difference for both Kate and me. We’re lucky to have him.

Yesterday morning I moved empty bookshelves that we’re no longer going to use, four of them. I horsed the horizontal file cabinet more toward the center of the loft. That leaves a new expanse of wall where more tall birch veneer bookshelves can go.

Functional islands is the organizing scheme. Books and other storage against the wall, including a cabinet and shelf space for the tea-making, tea, and tea-ware, a slot for a small refrigerator and my exercise TV.

At the south end of the loft, positioned with a view of Black Mountain, is the reading area which includes a large rug and a Swedish recliner. Next, moving north, and away from the reading area, almost to the middle of the room away from the west wall, is the computer, desk and dictionary stand which holds my O.L.D., Oxford Latin Dictionary. I imagine the horizontal file cabinet will be part of this island, too.

In the same location, but out from the east wall and extending to the middle of the room will be a large table with three cabinets beneath it. It will be on wheels. The drafting table goes in this area, too. Here I can spread out books when doing research or work on other projects. I hope to get into some art making using this space. Collage work for right now.

Out from the north wall, on the same (eastern) side as the large table, is the treadmill, rubber mats, weights and weight bench. On the eastern wall in front of the treadmill is the TV I use as an incentive to exercise. There will be, too, a pull-up bar mounted to the ceiling.

On the same (western) side as the computer/desk island, will be wire shelving for my many bankers boxes filled with novel manuscripts, research, files related to other projects like art, religion, politics.

We plan to use the large wooden crates built to move our two large Jeremiah Miller paintings (brother-in-law) as dividers among the islands, cutting the larger crate in half to create three dividers. Jon has an idea for using piano hinges that will allow the crates to be used as art storage. They will have feet so they can stand on their own.

Once the bookshelves are all assembled, the wire shelving up, the large table finished and the tea-making/refrigerator area is in place I can get down to the serious work of giving my library its final shape. That’s a task, an important and fun task, that cannot be done with electronic books, at least not yet.

I’m hoping that all this work, if not the organizing of books and files and bankers boxes, will be done by Labor Day with the whole loft area ready for fall and winter.

This loft is a love letter from Kate since she chose this house because of the loft area for me and the enclosed two-car garage area for her. Finishing up both of our spaces—we have to re-assemble Kate’s long arm quilter and she needs to get a better organizing scheme—and the kitchen, the living room and the garage, lies ahead, but not too far ahead. Feels good.

Faith and Spirituality, Family, Feelings, Health, Reimagine. Reconstruct. Reenchant., Third Phase

Yet Another Appointment

June 29, 2015 Charles Leave a comment

Summer Healing Moon

Today is my pre-op/post-op consultation with Dr. Eigner’s physician’s assistant, Ann. She’ll go over what I need to do for surgery prep, what we can expect during the surgery and immediately after, then give us post-op instructions. My level of comfort with all this is substantially higher with Kate involved, both because she’ll be there to hear what I miss and because her own skills make her over-qualified to help me before and after surgery.

I continue to sleep well, have no symptoms (none expected, but still good). Since we are now 10 days out, I’ve stopped my aspirin. My feelings have become more labile as the surgery approaches, which makes sense to me.

The surgery itself has a paradoxical quality, as I imagine many such surgeries do. The paradox is this. It offers me real hope, an opportunity to continue my third phase cancer free. And, that, of course, is the reason for the surgery. On the other hand it has attendant pain and discomfort, improbable but possible complications.

It also might reveal that the cancer is worse than we imagine. My staging included the seemingly innocent, NxMx. The N refers to the status of the lymph nodes near the prostate and the M refers to possible metastasis, or the spread of the cancer to the rest of the body. The x means unknown.

This is where the paradox becomes strong, intense. The surgery might (probably will) move me past this whole episode. In that case, hallelujah. Or, it might dash that hope and begin another series of tests and treatments. In that case, uh-oh.

The good news is that if Eigner had suspected lymph node or metastatic involvement he would have ordered imaging studies prior to surgery. He didn’t. That’s a positive sign, but only that. We won’t know until the surgery is over, perhaps not even then. We may have to wait on the pathology report, or even the first few p.s.a readings in the year + after surgery.

My emotions ride along the trajectory of which outcome dominates my mood. Most of the time I imagine negative margins on the removed prostate. That means no cancer cells in the tissue surrounding the removed organ. Not definite relative to NxMx, but very positive. Occasionally my rational side will bring me up short while I’m feeling good about this most likely outcome. Wait, it says. You might be right, but what if you’re wrong. Then, you’re feelings will fall from the height of hope to the canyon of uncertainty. Oh. Right.

When rationality moves me to consider all the possible outcomes, then I can slip into fear. One problem with an active imagination (7 novels and one underway) is that I have no difficulty following the path of more tests, more treatment all the way to death. The first feeling that comes in the wake of that thought is fear.

I’ve worked out over the last 50 or so years, a philosophical position that calms me before the fear dominates and shakes my foundations. Usually. Nothing’s 100 percent. I’ve expressed it elsewhere. The short version is: something, some time. It’s buttressed too by my belief that life is the mystery, death is ordinary. And those rocks around Turkey Creek and Deer Creek Canyon roads. The ones that have been here so much longer than I’ve been alive and will be here so much longer after I die.

Feelings, Health, Weather +Climate

Fear Leaves

June 25, 2015 Charles Leave a comment

Summer Healing Moon

Denver had some serious weather yesterday: a tornado not far from Jon and Jen’s home, beating rain that took out Jon’s cucumbers, urban flooding that set off alarms in the building where Bernie Sander’s spoke last week. We have rain in the forecast for the next week or so.

The fear subsided over night. Not sure why, but it’s replaced this morning with the calm about the process that I’ve felt most of the time. The trigger yesterday was, obviously, my pre-op physical. It pushed the surgery and its low, but real, uncertainty right in my face. Calmness can be a trap, too. If I’m not calm, am I doing this wrong? Am I not centered? Not grounded? Not spiritual enough?

We all cycle through various perspectives on important issues. That’s a normal and healthy way of seeing different sides. Some of those perspectives can be frightening, e.g. the instance in which the surgery goes well, but some cancer has escaped into my body, metastasized. It was that possibility that creeped into my awareness yesterday and it took hold, stayed present for much of the day. Oddly, even though I found Dr. Gidday very reassuring and I believed her confident appraisal of my prognosis, at the same time, the fear tickled my heart and fingers.

There are, too, family matters to deal with and I had to work out how to deal with them. These things don’t come naturally to me so I have to consider them, plan. Decided on a frank and open conversation which, I admit, could have come to me first, but didn’t.

So this is what I’m doing with my one wild and crazy life. Right now.

Feelings, Friends, Health

Fear Was My Co-Pilot

June 24, 2015 Charles Leave a comment

Summer Healing Moon

Had my pre-op physical this morning, two weeks before my surgery date of July 8th. On the way over I drove through Turkey Creek and Devil’s Creek canyons, a beautiful backway to the southern Denver suburb of Littleton.

I was afraid on the way over. I’ve been distracted and anxious, unsettled so far on this journey, but have not felt afraid. The fear crept in as I drove, not paralyzing, but evident. The beauty of the canyons with their pines and aspens, the exposed rock and the mountain sides climbing up for the road soothed me. That’s why I chose that route.

Those rocks, I thought, have been here long, long before me and will be here long, long after me. At an intellectual level I find that comforting. Today though the surgery was getting more and more real. The fact of cancer, too. The fear was not about the surgery or the recovery. It was about the results of the surgery.Will I be cured or will there be lingering doubts, cells that escaped into the lymph nodes or into the body?

98% of the time I believe Eigner will get all the malignant cells and the pathology report will relieve me. 2% of the time, I’m not sure. Today was/is all 2%.

Dr. Gidday, my internist who did my pre-op, was great. She referred her 82 year old father to Eigner when he was diagnosed. She trusts Eigner and so do I. Dr. Gidday’s nurse Katie, who had another patient and couldn’t check me in, stuck her head in the room and asked me how I was doing. There’s a lot of caring in that office and I feel it.

Fear seems natural to me, so I’m just reporting it. It’s not dominating me. At least not right now.

Faith and Spirituality, Feelings, Health, Reimagine. Reconstruct. Reenchant., Shadow Mountain

Nourishing the Self

June 23, 2015 Charles Leave a comment

Summer Healing Moon

Finding myself driven into my Self, wanting to nourish my soul/Self, my inner life, needing to do that. Mood a bit down, usually precedes inner work, and I plan to follow that thread today.

I may use the intensive journal, read some poetry, look into some books on the inner life. Meditate. Maybe hike a bit.

The tomorrow wall has gone back up, closing off my dreams for the future. This is not bad. It focuses me on the here, the now, but I will not allow this wall to stand after July 8th. No matter what the final pathology report says I plan to regain my usual rhythm. Write. Translate. Explore Colorado. Learn new things. Go out with Kate, the grandkids.

An example of what’s going through my mind right now. In traffic on I-70 yesterday, headed east, away from the mountains, I looked at all the cars and trucks and buses filling lanes, six lanes altogether, going east and west. Unbidden came the thought that all these drivers, all the passengers will get taken off the board.

This traffic, filled with strangers on unknown journeys to unknown destinations, purposeful and not, was a moment in history. And history’s tide would wash over it, sweeping in its wake all the souls present.

This was not a dark thought, rather a descriptive realization, offered to me, I think, by my unconscious. Why? To place my current predicament in context. Am I going to die? Yes. And so are all these others. As have all the others who lived, say, 120 years ago.

Faith and Spirituality, Feelings, Health, Reimagine. Reconstruct. Reenchant.

A Paradox. (more on dealing with cancer. if this bums you out, skip it.)

June 22, 2015 Charles Leave a comment

Summer Healing Moon

I’m sleeping fine. I don’t feel that jittery, too many cups of coffee acidity in my stomach. I know what regular anxiety feels like, having been all too familiar with it for many years. Aches in my bunched up shoulders. Uncertain about my worth, what I should do. Waves of small fear about what now seem like the silliest things. For example, will the clerks at Best Buy demand to see my driver’s license if I pay by check? And refuse to let me use the check?

So it’s easy to assume that I’m not anxious. Easy for me to assume that. Yet, if I step back a minute, I’m not writing, I’m not doing my Latin. The tomorrow wall rises more often than it falls, not allowing my thoughts and dreams past July 8th. I am, in these significant ways, distracted, not feeling well, dis-eased.

I want to be cool about this, not degenerate into the life of a patient whose every waking moment is taken up with illness, with matters of medicine. That’s no life. That’s waiting for life. Cancer is, however, hard to ignore. This is one of the more difficult struggles in my life.

Trusting the diagnosis, the treatment feels both justified (I’m confident in the pathology, the physical findings, the PSA jump. I trust Dr. Eigner’s experience and his approach.) and necessary. No second guessing, I say to myself, at this point. You know what you’re up against, you’ve weighed the options and made a decision, just let all that play out. I’m doing that. That’s why I can sleep at night, why I don’t feel those frank expressions of anxiety.

I realize, of course, the irony of writing this. It focuses on the very thing I’m saying I want to let be, but I’m living in just that paradox. I feel confident about my decisions and about the probability of their resulting in a cure. At the same time there is this part of my body that no longer participates in the general keep Charlie healthy idea. All of these things persist and tumble around in me at the same time.

This comes, too, after an interstate move complicated by what felt like a very long time to sell our Minnesota house. Becoming integrated into the family here in Colorado has not been as easy as we had hoped either. It’s getting better, we’re all learning how to appreciate each others needs and feelings, but it’s not been what we imagined, at least not at first. It has been family, with joy and travail.

Laying this down as a record, an in this moment statement of how I am. Take it for what it’s worth.

Beyond the Boundaries, Faith and Spirituality, Feelings, Health, Reimagine. Reconstruct. Reenchant., Third Phase

Tomorrow’s Wall

June 13, 2015 Charles Leave a comment

Beltane Closing Moon

As I wrote here before, my internal timeline comes up short, now around July 8th, does not, will not extend much beyond that. This interferes with the kind of dreaming that moves projects like becoming fluent in Latin and writing a novel forward. With no time in the future-it feels walled off-there is little incentive for the incremental work necessary to move long term projects.

This is frustrating, of course, but the effect, and probably the underlying sense behind it, focuses me on the here and now. This cancer. That appointment. This work around home that needs to get done. Stay close in to the center, don’t try to project your Self and your work out ahead right now.

I trust the anxiety when it comes, as I trust the relief from it. This is not new for me, but the oscillations have become more apparent, their purposes more clear.

Aging, Beyond the Boundaries, Faith and Spirituality, Family, Feelings, Friends, Original Relation, Reimagine. Reconstruct. Reenchant., Third Phase

A Yamantaka Moment

June 11, 2015 Charles Leave a comment

Beltane Closing Moon

So. Today is June 11th. I feel a small hole in the pit of my stomach. Not often you meet a day when your life is at stake, but this is one of those days for me. This afternoon we’ll find out the stage (severity & aggressiveness) of my cancer. We’ll also decide on a course of treatment.

It’s been an interesting time since the initial news from the biopsy. Once I absorbed that information and read the Schwartz book on Surviving Prostate Cancer, I’ve let the matter go for the most part, at least at a feeling level. There was a bracket around the time between then, late May and now, mid-June. In that bracketed time no new information could be gained and no action could be taken.

Now that bracketed time is over and the next steps, the real choices are just ahead. My confidence level is still high. Kate’s knowledge and support is essential as is encouragement from friends and family. Dr. Eigner is competent and practiced, and, unusually, open to serious questions and probing. I’ve done my research, have a list of questions.

The appointment is at 2:30. More later.

Feelings

Better

June 5, 2015 Charles Leave a comment

Beltane Closing Moon

Closing the deal on the house, Mary’s visit, Jon’s work on the loft and my good echocardiogram have combined to give me a boost. Removing the Andover house from the mental cabinet of worries and the pleasant distraction of Mary’s visit, plus anticipating a real library when Jon finishes makes the future seem real again. Knowing that my heart’s structure is in good shape helped, too.

Next Thursday I see the urologist and we’ll make choices about treatment. The book that Dr. Eigner recommended suggested getting a second opinion, so I asked his office to send my pathology slides out for another reading. The digital rectal exam and the PSA seem sound to me, but the Gleason score is a bit subjective in that involves a pathologist’s judgment on what they see. Since the PSA, the digital exam and the Gleason score are, together, determinant about what treatment makes the most sense, the reading of my biopsy results was the most likely to benefit from a second look. The slides went to John Hopkins last week.

I feel positive about the appointment with Eigner and the probability of a good result from whatever treatment we decide to undertake.

Faith and Spirituality, Feelings, Reimagine. Reconstruct. Reenchant.

Aside June 3, 2015 Charles Leave a comment

Beltane Closing Moon

When attention defocuses and my mind heads toward default, it no longer picks up a stray red flag: What about the $%*&$NG house in Andover? This creates space for other thoughts to arise, of course, like: what about my prostate? But that’s fine because action on it is ahead and noticing it does not create anxiety, just resolve. This means I now have some free space, some room to expand my horizons. That makes me feel good.