Category Archives: Feelings

Winter Storm Warning. 6-8 Inches of Snow. Oh, joy.

Spring                                                                 Bee Hiving Moon

A cool morning in Wall, South Dakota. 37 and wet. Last day on the road for this trip. About 8 hours to Andover. Last posting for this trip. Just looked out the window. The Rav4 is covered in, of all things, snow! Winter just will not let go this year.

Traveling puts us in a liminal zone, neither at home or settled elsewhere. Liminality has long interested me. The liminal zone between ocean and land, lake and shore is often where the most abundant life thrives. The liminal zone between forest and meadow provides refuge for predator and prey alike. The ‘burbs are a liminal zone between rural and urban.

We’re most familiar of course with the liminal zones of dawn and twilight, but fall and spring are actually long liminal zones between the cold fallow time and the warmer growing season. Those strange interludes between sleeping and waking are, too, liminal.  The Celts believed the liminal times of day and night were the most potent for magical working.

Liminality puts us between familiar places, neither wet nor dry, city nor country, day nor night. In these spots we have the most opportunity to discern the new in the old, the possible in the routine. It’s not surprising then that Kate and I will approach the question of where we will live our third phase life from a different slant while on the road.

From this vantage, neither Minnesotaheim nor Mountainheim, we investigate the terrains of our heart, let the rational mind float, or stay tethered perhaps in Andover. The heart says family. It also says friends. It says have people close to us when vulnerable, which argues for both Minnesota and Colorado. It says memories; it says grandchildren. The heart pulls and pushes. We’ll mull our decision over the growing season, see how it flourishes or wanes, see what the heart says at home. Listen to friends and grandkids. And each other. Those dogs, too.

I Found, I Found An Altar

Spring (so they say)                                                 Bee Hiving Moon

My lands!  My great-aunt Nell used this phrase a lot.  Seems to fit the weather today.

Entered my revised version of I Found an Altar into Scrivener.  I’ll compile it and start a round of submissions for The Ifrit and Altar.  These will go to magazines, both print and electronic. I’ll start with prozines because they pay the best and acceptance at them counts more than that at the lower paying and no compensation mags.

Really does feel like I’ve begun a different phase of my life now, one in which the writer is more professional, more functional than dysfunctional.  In spite of my melancholy over the last week or so I feel better about life in general.  A paradox, I know.  Melancholy these days feels like a chemical matter, perhaps triggered by some event (the rejections?) or emotion (why did I wait so long to get to this place?), but out of proportion to them.  So, I can have this underlying sad, heavy, bittersweet tonality or mood while feeling simultaneously strong.

 

24 Years and Still in Love

Imbolc                                                      Hare Moon

Sometimes, not often, but sometimes an event matches its purpose.  Tonight’s anniversary dinner was such an event.  We arrived at the Nicollet Island Inn at 6 pm, the same place exterior-nightwhere, 24 years ago, we spent the night before boarding a PanAm (yes, PanAm, can you imagine?) flight for Rome.

The host knew it was our anniversary, took us to our table after complimenting us on our glasses and our colorful garments and pointed to the bouquet on the table.  “You are loved,” he said to Kate. “24 years and still in love?”  Yes, we nodded.  “Wonderful.  Have a great evening.”  We did.

We thanked our taste in classical music, our seats at the St. Paul Chamber Orchestra for 72KateandmePizarro2011 11 01_3529bringing us together.  We looked at the things that could have gone badly like Kate earning a lot and me earning much less, then nothing.  I said, “I think the thing we’ve done, all along, is nurture the best in each other. I don’t see how you can ask for more in a relationship.”  Kate agreed. Somehow we have seen the highest and best in each other, staying out of each other’s way in some instances, stepping in with a helping hand at others.

(in Pizarro’s dining room, Lima, Peru)

Kate ordered the scallops; I went for the tenderloin.  We both ate less than half, saving some for tomorrow.  I set aside my low carb focus to have a chocolate tart for dessert. We finished smiling.  Kate slid over and put her arm through mine.

Added to the bill were two Nicollet Island Inn mugs, memories of the evening of our 24th.

Next year in Hawai’i!

mamasHeader2

Coming Up in March

Imbolc                                                                      Hare Moon

Looking down the month toward our 24th anniversary (Monday) and the date I’m wheels 1000Kate and Charlie in Edenon the road for Tucson (the 18th).  24 years with Kate and our relationship improves like fine wine, gaining more nuance and depth, more body with each passing year.  This year we return to the Nicollet Island Inn for dinner, the spot from which we launched our honeymoon.  As spring rolled forward in March of 1990 those three weeks in Europe were as good a beginning as the marriage itself. Next year we’ll celebrate our 25th anniversary at Mama’s Fish House on Maui.

The Tucson trip grows closer.  These rolling retreats, as I like to think of alone time behind the wheel, are really just road trips.  Road trips are part of the American way, peregrinatio updated for the age of the internal combustion engine.

This one of course has its focus self discovery, focus, personal deepening so it will have a more spiritual note, but it will also include my usual visits to spots of natural and historic interest.  Among the possibilities are Carlsbad Caverns, the Saguaro forests, a state park or two in Arizona, the Sonoran Desert Museum, Mt. Kitt, Chaco Canyon, Joshua Tree National Park (probably not, but it’s within reach) and a second visit to the Arbor Day lodge and farm in Nebraska City, Nebraska.

Selfies

Samhain                                                                         Winter Moon

Great warmup yesterday, eh?  I think we saw 33 here for an hour.  Take that nosnowbirds.

Off to downtown Minneapolis again today.  Third time this week.  I often go a month IMAG1188without getting there.  My first physical with Cornelia Massie, M.D.  No real concerns, just another benchmark on the road to the big check-up.  That’s the one when check-ups are no longer necessary.

(who’s in there?)

Listening to a lecture by Alan Watts yesterday had me wondering about the self.  As you may know, I’ve been an advocate of the Self, the unique bundle of experiences, gifts, body/mind and personal history that is you.  In my way of thinking, Self=Soul.

But.  I think I may have to balance that with the Eastern view of no-self.  Watts described each of us as the universe being conscious of itself, a game the universe plays.  We float along on the flesh bag that contains us, taking in sensation as it comes, changing, always, with it.

In addition to the high Western individualist Self I can see the Eastern argument, too. When I consider the young boy who ran up the concrete slope of a neighbor’s fence to walk higher than his mom for the length of their lot, I wonder how we can share memories.  We do, I know that.  But his reality, his experience of the world is so different from mine today that it makes him as alien to me as a stranger.  Or, an intimate for that matter.

And, if the child, then what about the adolescent?  Well, there, too.  That guy with the runny nose, a wet handkerchief in his pocket, going from class to class, working hard to keep up his status as the brain.  How about that 60’s radical with a placard in one hand, a joint in the other?  Geez, who was that guy?

And so it would go in a chain up until, well, when?  What about the man who sat with his brothers at the Nicollet Island Inn on Monday?  His time has come and gone, replaced with the one who types now.

Yet, I’m also dragging this ever changing body to the doctor because I feel a duty to it, to make it last as long as possible.  Why?  Well, I’m interested in seeing what the Self becomes.

 

Fed

Samhain                                                     New (Winter) Moon

Drove into Minneapolis in driving snow as far as Coon Rapids, then rain.  The Woolly’s met at Gorkha Palace, a Tibetan-Nepali-Indian restaurant near Surdyk’s Liquor store in Minneapolis.  Tom, Bill, Scott, Mark, Frank, Warren and I had a pleasant meal together.

Each time I go to a meeting I come away nourished in body and soul.  The body is fed.  And so is the soul.  What do I mean by soul?  I mean much the same as I do when I use the word Self, that fluid yet somehow distinct sense that the I in this sentence is a peculiar, particular entity and one always with me, one with me.  That last is tricky because to be one with me implies a separation between me and the I, a separation that does not, I believe, exist.

How does the soul get fed?  By being seen, validated by others who recognize me as a peculiar, particular entity.  It’s important to note though that the soul, the Self that I experience is not the same as the one recognized by others.  Yet, it is fed by others who see me and respond to me as a continuing presence from one time to the next.

It helps the tricky move of the I seeing the Self.  There is a difficulty here.  What part of me sees the Self that is also me?  I know there must be answers to this, but right now they’re escaping me. Ha.

What I’m trying to say here is that this soul is fed by the souls of others, especially others key to his ongoing story.  The Woollys are such people for me as I am for them.  We help each others Selves stay alive and well.

 

 

Kate

Samhain                                                           Thanksgiving Moon

There is one.  One special thanksgiving.  It starts with the baroque or the classical, a little IMAG0998Mozart, some Hayden, Pachelbel.  An affiliation with the older music making traditions of public music in the West.  Enough so to encourage regular attendance.  Then divorces, seats given up, and two people, the remainders of the marriages, seated next to each other.

Yes, one night over coffee at the St. Paul Hotel after the last Chamber Orchestra concert of the season, this woman and I discovered we had each other figured wrong.  Me: a lawyer.  Her: a school teacher, maybe a college professor.

Later a three week trip through Europe, starting in Rome, following spring north in March, as far north as Inverness, capital of the Highlands.  After that, closing in on 24 years of supporting and loving each other, blending our families, raising and loving many dogs, growing food, sewing and writing, growing old happily.

Kate.  This is thanks for Kate.

 

Holiseason Rising

Samhain                                                      Thanksgiving Moon

Can you feel the holiseason spirit rising?  I can.  Presents for Hanukkah lie on the bed ready to go in the truck for their ride to Denver.  Joseph’s coming to Minnesota.  The Byerly’s order will come today.  I’m headed out to Festival for the last of the list.

(Lyon)

Kate’s packed, audio books ready.  Cooler to fill.  Then Grandma will head over the plains and through Nebraska.

Meanwhile I’m closing in on Missing 5.0.  The holiday week should see that put to bed.  Celebration all round.

The Unreliable Narrator–You

Samhain                                                           Thanksgiving Moon

Beginning to play with the post-modern idea of the unreliable narrator, a staple of certain literary fictions and now understandable to me.  The most unreliable narrator of all may be our Self, or, rather, the work done by our mind to create a self.  As we attempt to weave a coherent notion of our story–how this, what, let’s use Heidegger’s idea of dasein–this dasein came to be here now, we impose on our memories a logic, a sequence, a string of cause and effects that explain, as best the dasein can, how it came to be in this moment.

There are many problems here, but the one I want to focus on is the fungibility of our memory and what Kant called the a prioris of thinking:  space and time.  Our memory changes as we access it, as we put it into new contexts, as our understanding grows and that changes happens to a quanta that was shaped by the context in which we first had the experience, the understandings we had then and by the fog created by our senses, which, by design and necessity, edit our lived experience so we can utilize it.

On top of this string of memory altering inevitables are the a priori categories of space and time, mental constructs which our reason uses to make what William James called “the blooming, buzzing confusion” worthwhile to us.  We see objects in four dimensions, in a space time matrix that changes as we perceive an object, event, feeling, moment, idea.

(Henry and William James)

What this means to us is that our Self has the demanding and ultimately futile task of seeing the plot in our life, its why and its meaning.  Why futile?  Because we change as we touch it, not Heisenberg, no, more than that we change more than the spin or the location of memory when we touch it, we change its content and thereby change our narrative, which, as a result changes our Self.  This is always happening, every moment of every day of our lives.   Modernist literature like Ulysses and Remembrance of Times Past was an attempt to give to us in written form this mutability at the heart of the internal project that is us.

As I said a few posts back, this is descriptive, not proscriptive and certainly not prescriptive, and it does contain one kernel of great importance. Since we actively construct our own narrative from the experiences we can recall, we can enter into that stream and actively construct our future.  In fact, unless we enter that stream with purpose, Heraclitus’s famous river, it will carry us along without our intention.

So, buckle up, strap on that orange life-preserver and take your seat in the raft that is your Self navigating the flood of your life.  It’s a thrilling ride no matter where it takes you.

 

 

Destabilizing. And That’s OK.

Samhain                                                              Thanksgiving Moon

A further extrapolation on the narrative fallacy and the self.  (see post below)  This notion, destabilizing as it is, makes sense to me. Which is ironic if you get the gist here.

It helps explain the existential panic I sometimes feel when my mood darkens, sometimes with a known trigger, sometimes not.  Yesterday was such a time for me.  When I have conversations about my work, Missing in this case, the potential for a seismic tremor heightens.  Of course, these tremors, unlike earth bound temblors, can produce good shakes and bad shakes.

Stefan’s careful analysis of what he felt worked and what didn’t, which I appreciated, especially in the detail and clarity which he offered so freely, unsettled me.  Geez, if this much still needs to happen and this is the 4th draft, what’s wrong with me?  WRONG.  OH.  I’VE FELT WRONG BEFORE. AND AHA THIS PROVES THIS OTHER TIMES RIGHT.  WHAT WERE THE OTHER TIMES?  UHH.  CAN’T REMEMBER EXACTLY, BUT THE FEELING, THE FEELING’S THE SAME.  ISN’T IT?

This went on as I drove away from his house.  I would remember the tell yourself this is a good workout, that you’re not tired article I read in the New York Times yesterday so I would tell myself that this was temporary, not anchored, that it was good to get feedback, that I was having a good day.  I had a friend who cared enough to be straight with me.  oops.  felt bad.  I’m having a good day, driving in the city.  There’s Knox Presbyterian, “living the obedient life”, yep, still conservative.  Need some tea, Verdant’s all the way over in Seward, but, hey.  The Teashop is just ahead on Lyndale.  Oh, good, I’ve never followed through on my writing, never got published, never tried hard.  Never. Never.  Never.  Never.  Here I am 66 and I’ve bounced from this to that.  Bad.  Wrong. Not followed through.  Old now and not ever going to follow through.  Always bad, wrong.  Wait.  There’s the Teashop.  I’ll buy tea here, not drive all the way over to Seward then have to loop back to Kramarczuk’s.  After the teashop.  Bought a half an ounce of tea for $25.  Stupid.  Hey, I can just loop around, no cars in the lane going the other way on Lyndale.  Oh.  Didn’t look behind me in my own lane, guy lets me go.  Maybe I’m too old to drive.  How will I know?  Bad.  Wrong.  

Finally, I talked myself into the moment.  Cut the loop.  The wind drove the golden leaves, the maple leaves, they are golden.  They swirl up in the air, blown high, come down.  Fall.  This is fall and it’s happening right before my eyes, as I eat this Italian sausage, which is not so hot, still I’m right in the middle of this wonderful seasonal transition.  I’m in this moment now, neither bad nor good, just here.  Part of another fall.  It’s come again, as it has come before and will come again.  And I will be in it, part of it.  Neither bad nor good.  Right nor wrong.  I calmed down, my center returned and the jaggedy feelings left my body, those tensed muscles relaxing.  

The feeling tone remained, like a bad taste, and tried to reassert itself, grind itself into the wormhole that is a certain narrative arc about my self. Finally, the arc I prefer, the one that lets me move forward, not get stuck, took hold.  I had woven my narrative around this temporary dis-ease and let it be.  Part of my life, yes, but not all of it.  Whew.