Category Archives: Aging

Under the Full Summer Moon

Summer                               Full Summer Moon

The extended family got in the car and drove to the Osaka this evening.  Ruth, three  years old, downs sushi without aid of soy sauce and extra wasabi.  Gabe distributes food put before him in an arc around his high chair, smiling and gracious the whole time.  Jon, Jen and I share a common liking for raw fish prepared by Japanese chefs.  Ruthie may be part of that, too, but I wonder what she’ll say when she discovers its raw fish.

The big puppies are inside tonight.  Another test of their domestication.

Tuesday night the trash goes out here and I took the large plastic container down to the end of the driveway.  As I did a whitetail deer, a doe, perked her ears up and looked right at me, about 150 feet away.  We both stood motionless, with the exception of her ears, for five or six minutes.  I looked at her, she looked at me.  It was a sweet, natural moment between two species that have thrived in the suburban environment.  She will, no doubt, try to gain nutrition from our vegetable and flower gardens, but, then, so do we.

The domesticity of the setting does not change that she is a wild animal.  She comes and goes with no permission needed or given.  Her visibility has its limits, usually we see deer around dusk, as tonight, but they are always somewhere nearby, tucked into a grassy bed or browsing in a hidden meadow.  The same is true of the groundhog, the Great Horned Owl, the gray squirrel, red fox, rabbits, mice, snakes, salamanders and frogs. Without the wild animal we would have no other against which to measure the degrees of our taming.  We, too, were once wild.  Now we live our lives inside right angles, with imitation suns and recorded music.

There are, though, those moments, like tonight, when the domestic and the wild come close, brush each other in passing.  We can stand for a bit, gazing into one another’s realm, but the moments are fleeting, tendrils of time like the high cirrus clouds.   We return to the house or the brush, relieved we had a place to go, a safe place, a familiar place.

Some of the same occurs each night when we look at the moon or the distant stars.  They represent places that, until 1969, no human had ever reached, even now the numbers are tiny.  12 men have walked on the moon, all between 1969 and 1972.  The moon is a wilderness, as is the deep space that surrounds it.  Wilderness will tolerate a human presence, but only if we agree to limit ourselves.  If we do not, we can destroy the wildness and once gone it is difficult to retrieve.

Except, there are times when we stand and look wilderness in the eye until it twitches its white tail and gracefully exits.

Woollys, Grandkids

Summer                     Waxing Summer Moon

Tomorrow we get the full on Summer Moon.  We’ll have a warm, but not hot night with a brilliant satellite.  No good for astronomy, but great for moon viewing, a favorite activity among the Japanese.

Woolly’s met tonight at the Black Forest.  Mark, Stefan, Bill, Tom, Frank and myself showed up.  Mark got the dam site job.  He reports next Monday morning to Lock and Dam #1, the first official lock on the Mississippi River.  The job runs until the river ices over and the barges cannot come.  Stefan’s been giving himself fits over his children.  A potential liability of parenthood.

I showed off the Kindle.  I’m a fan.

Jon, Jen, Ruth and Gabe are back from a weekend in Chicago.  There was a Bandel family reunion with rooms at the Doubletree and visits to Grandma and Grandpa, Ruth and Gabe’s great-grandparents.  They are back here for four days, then they strike out for home in Denver.

A Pain in the Neck (and the Lower Back)

Summer                         Waxing Summer Moon

Up to Elk River with Kate to see Dr. Bewin, a pm&r doc (physical medicine and rehabilitation).  He’s a tall, fit man with gray hair and a reserved manner.  His demeanor in the office was professional, taking careful notes and putting Kate through a series of movements to discern the current state of her pain and its sources.

In the end his news was sobering, that is, he said no surgeon will touch her back, “Just too complicated.”  That means more physical therapy and possible injections, but no long term fix.  Her neck, a somewhat less complicated area (but still her neck), might still respond to surgical procedure.  We’ll check that out in a month or so with a couple of neuro-surgeons.

She’s dealt with this ongoing problem since our honeymoon, when she carried two liters of water in her backpack and felt some pain the following day.  This degenerative disc disease did not start then, but its appearance in our lives did.  Now here we are, 20 years later, still deciding, still treating.

Kate’s ability to endure and to endure and get significant work accomplished staggers me.  It has its limits.  The combination of neck and lower back challenges even Kate’s Norwegian toughness.  I believe her conditions will ameliorate somewhat with retirement when she has more control over her movements on any given day.

The Grandchildren Are In The House

Summer                                      Waxing Summer Moon

Grandpas Bill Schmidt, Scott Simpson and Frank Broderick (Woolly Mammoths all) prepared me for the wonder of grandchildren.  They were spot on.  Ruth came in last night and said, “Hi, Grandpop!”  She had me at coming through the door.  Gabe got transferred from Dad to me soon after Jon came in the house.  Gabe looked up and gave me one of his trademark smiles, Happy to see you Grandpop.  That’s what I heard, though Gabe’s 1 year plus mouth formed no words.

Herschel, their 6 year old German Shorthair, recently diagnosed with hemangiosarcoma, bounded in as if he had no stinking terminal illness.  He proceeded to pick up a small Ruthie sandal and run from one end of the house to the other with it in  his mouth.  This is Herschel’s way of signaling anxiety.

The Olsons stopped to see the Johnsons in Nevada, Iowa.  Zelma Johnson, Jon’s grandma, still lives in this small Iowa town where Kate and her sisters grew up.  Due to estrangement from David, Jon’s father, Jon had not seen his grandma in a long time.  Jen got to meet Zelma and Zelma got to meet her great-grandchildren, Gabe and Ruth.  David and Kate were high school sweethearts.

Kate got two cloth bags full of kiddy stuff at the dollar store.  Ruth opened her hers and took out each item and showed it to me, exclaiming happily as only small children can.  Retaining the  young child’s sense of of awe and wonder at simple things is a goal worth keeping at the forefront of our maturity.  Who needs a Lexus when she has a bubble maker?  Who needs a fancy house when there’s plenty of chalk to draw on the sidewalk?  Who needs fine clothes when a small electric fan with lights can entrance you?

These visits, back and forth, them here, us there are critical to family cohesion.  They are why I still travel to Indiana and Texas for family reunions.  As Grandpa Frank put it, “You don’t have a family if you never see each other.”  True.

Grandchildren on the way

Summer                  Waxing Summer Moon

Grandchildren.  Those living links to the future who know us and whom we know.  In my case Ruth and Gabe.  Three years old and one year old.  They are on their way here right now, probably someway in the Twin Cities.

Grandma Ellis, Jennie, was a school teacher.  I knew her a bit.  I liked her.  She understood young boys.  I have three memories associated with a visit I made to her house in Oklahoma City when I was 9 or 10.  In the first I took apart a clock Grandma no longer wanted.  She realized I wanted to know how it worked.  Later I tried to knock wasps out of the air with a bug bomb.  In my mind it was a dogfight, fighter to fighter.  If so, I got tagged and plummeted to earth with a huge swollen left hand.  The last memory involved a sinkhole that appeared in the alley behind grandma’s house.  It was big enough to hold a car.

What this means to me, these memories as central to my experience of my grandmother, involves the humility to realize my grandchildren may not remember me for who I am or what I have done, but for what happened when they visit.  Do I accept it and recognize the experience, validate it?  My grandma Ellis did.

I’ve written elsewhere about my namesake, grandpa Charlie Keaton.  He rode the rail at the Derby every year and loved horses and harness racing, too. Again, I remember him making syrup from water and sugar.  He also cooled his coffee in a saucer and drank from the saucer.  He wore green underwear with a flap in the back.  Those are my memories of grandpa.

Grandma Keaton, Mable, was a different story.  Either she suffered from bi-polar disorder like most of her children or she suffered some mental problem associated with child birth.  I remember her as a shuffling, almost mute older person.  Within in our family lore she famously fed a 13 year old growing boy half a weinie and two tablespoons of baked beans for lunch one summer during an extended visit.

Thus, my grandparent memories are thin soup, memory wise, though as the oldest in our family at least I have some memories where my brother and sister have few if any.

Traveling Together. How?

Beltane                         Waning Dyan Moon

Speaking too soon.  Right after I posted the last entry Kate got sick.  She lay on the couch in our deluxe room, sweating and feeling miserable.  This concerned me, both for her and for what it might mean for our travel together.

I felt we had established the train as a good means of transportation for the both of us, then this sudden onset.  Perhaps it was dietary, perhaps motion sickness (to which she is prone), whatever it was, it seems to rule out the train, too.

Traveling with Kate is so much more fun, more pleasurable in a lot of the big and small ways you might expect.  The shared burdens of travel:  watching luggage, listening to announcements, finding the right exit become easier.  The shared joys of travel:  people watching, running commentary, being together also multiply.  So, I wanted the train to work.

My reaction to her illness was complex.  Of course I felt concern for her and empathy, but, too, I experienced disappointment, upset, some anger.  Just when I thought we had the travel thing licked, here she was, sick again.  Not fair on my part, no.  But, it was what I felt.

Not a pleasant moment for either of us.  Our job now, today, is to work out new wrinkles, perhaps scopolamine patches or different dietary choices.

Here’s the overall problem.   A difficult and painful ride back from Turkey six years ago, in which Kate suffered agony from the long haul, tipped me over from a reluctant flier to an only if absolutely necessary flier.  The thousand small insults of air travel combined with Kate’s difficulties to make me say, enough.  That was when I resumed taking the train, a practice begun long ago and abandoned for a time in favor of air.

A trip to Denver last fall made it obvious that Kate can’t take long rides in vehicles, either, so that ruled out car, truck or RV as modes of travel.  Note that none of this is her fault, underlying health issues from degenerative disc disease to an intolerance for certain motion stimuli just cause problems.

It does however leave us with diminishing options for traveling together, something  we hope to do more when she retires.  We’ll just have to see where this goes.

Only 2 more hours

Beltane                  Waning Dyan Moon

Empire Builder, Winona, Minnesota around 8:00 pm

We just ate dinner with a couple who retired 5 years ago from IBM. They’re headed for Glacier National Park, then onto a cruise up the Northwest Coast to Alaska, thence to Denali. All the retirees we’ve met have said how much they enjoy retirement. Positive news for us with Kate’s impending retirement.

This trip, a quick one, has only 2 more hours to run. It has however established the train as a means of transportation suited to Kate. We pulled out the beds and napped our way between Chicago and Milwaukee. Before supper Kate lay down, then while we ate we had the cabin steward restore the seats. There is a toilet and a shower in this unit. That would make a longer trip more fun.

The Mississippi flows just to our east with the ridges of southern Minnesota and Wisconsin lifted up from the river valley. We just passed the Billy Carneal, a barge tug (even though it pushes), with 9 barges in tow (even though they precede rather than follow the tug.) There were waiting on the tainter valves to drain a lock.

The eastern sky, toward Wisconsin, has a pink blush. This long summer day gives more time to see the river on the ride home. In the winter night has fallen by Winona and the river passes by in the dark.

Still sinking.

Beltane                    Full Dyan Moon

Kate can tell when I begin to submerge, move below the surface of day to day contact.  I become short, irritable.  She gets the feeling of walking on egg shells.  By the time this happens I’m not in touch with my effect on the outside world.  Distraction and self-absorption reign.

She brings it up.  We talk.  Today I said, “I’ve moved into melancholy.”  The distance between closed.  We both know this journey and its dark side.  I ate my chirashi and she her teryaki bento box.

“What precipitated it?”

“I have no idea.  Chemicals, I think.”

“No. Wait.  It began, I think on Hilton Head.  Maybe it was the weather.  I now that sounds absurd, but then, I know it happens, too.  Gloomy outside, gloomy inside.”

“I love you.”  Said with the grasp of both the condition and the afflicted.  Therapy in their own right.

Otherwise, the day had bees and money.

Mark Nordeen came over and we popped the top on the second hive.  Lotsa bees.  Took a long while to get the smoker going.  The smoke calms them down.  They stop flying, go back into the hive.

The top hive had brood on several frames and the number of bees has tripled at least.  There were three queen cups and I got to see exactly what they looked like.

“If you ever see a queen cup that has a queen in it, don’t knock it off.  That means they’re about to swarm and you’ll need the second queen for those who stay behind.”

We moved the bottom hive on top because there had not been as much work done down there and we wanted to encourage more frames filled with brood.

Later in the morning we saw our cash-flow adviser.  We’ve done very well and continue to  do so, but as we move to retirement she says there is a big trick to moving from paid employment to retirement income.  In the case of Kate we’ve been lucky to have her producing large quarterly bonuses which have enabled us to do many different things:  dogs, permaculture, long trips.  After retirement, those kinds of bumps in income will disappear and we have to decide how to deal with that.  Turns out cash is the primary tool, having lots of it in liquid investments like CD’s, bonds or money market.

The moral here is that no matter how you feel, life goes on.  Decisions have to be made.  Bees need care.  The garden goes through its season.  There is something reassuring to the constancy and permanence of natural change.

Mid-Autumn

Beltane              Waxing Dyan Moon

We’ve had rain all day, a gentle steady rain.  Nice.  Temps have stayed in the high 40’s, it’s 49 right now at 4:18 p.m.

It rained on Penny’s birthday party.  A 70th.  The party makers moved the whole thing inside and all was fine.

Here’s another way to know where you are on life’s great wheel.   What kind of events do you attend?  Is it retirement parties?  7oth birthdays?  50th wedding anniversaries?  Funerals?  Getting more mail from the Social Security Administration than family members?  You’ve reached at least mid-autumn.  That’s where Kate and I are now.

Next year we’ll celebrate Kate’s retirement and I want to do a big party again.  I gotta think it through though.  Not sure just what form it should take.  We had a 50’s sock hop at a Maid-Rite restaurant for her 50th; I planted her the purple garden and we had the breast cancer fund-raiser for her 60th.  Gotta noodle this one.

An inside, cuddle up and read day.

Morning Workout

Spring                  Waxing Flower Moon

Shifting my workout to the AM.  The whole routine has gotten stale and needs shaking up.  Maybe when it gets a bit warmer I’ll take the aerobics outside.  I used to workokout outside all the time, even in the coldest part of winter, then on snowshoes.  Now I’m on the treadmill.

An Asmat tour today, filling in for Lila Aamodt.  Helping Kate with the garage sale, potting veggie transplants and planting legumes.  That’s the week this week.  Gardening stuff will occupy a lot of time between now and the vacation.