137 degrees. Yowza.

Samain                                             Moon of the Winter Solstice

New physical therapist this morning. Measured flexion in my left knee at 137 degrees. A lot of people at my stage can’t bend their knee at all. Many work hard to reach 120. When I acknowledged my surgeon, Katie said, “We’re not supposed to say this, but the surgeon matters. A lot.” I believe it.

She put me through some new work. First time on a Pilates machine. Some balance exercises. I liked her. I may go the whole 12 sessions just to learn new exercises.

Our coffee table has Hanukkah gifts for the kids and, starting tomorrow night, will have menorahs. This is Hanukkah showing up very late in the year. A few years ago we had Thanksgivukkah, a combination of Thanksgiving and Hanukkah. We’ve moved pretty far into the Jewish home ritual world, lighting shabbos candles occasionally and always celebrating passover.

So, no matter how you take your holidays, straight or bent a bit, have good ones.

It’s Alive!

Samain                                                                   Moon of the Winter Solstice

karloff-history-science-and-frankensteinSo. The old computer, dead to me when I went in for surgery, has shown signs of life. I’m very glad because there are many things on here I want, need to keep. It’s six years old though, past its sell-by date, and I no longer trust it, so I’m going to buy a new one after the holidays. I’m glad to have it available now, however, because it means I can visit the loft again in the early morning, expand my daily circuit, get me out of the house for a while.

Had a very sweet moment yesterday. I took a nap, slept peacefully for an hour, and woke up with no pain. It was as if, for a moment, that the surgery was long past or never happened at all. Then I got up. Oh, well.

tibial-keel-punch
tibial-keel-punch

Progress is good, not swift, but good. My second out patient p.t. today takes care of my workout for the day. No more three a days as I was doing up until now. Though. The new exercises are harder and I have to do more sets. I’m a fan of p.t. It’s cheap. It’s non-invasive and it puts me in charge of my recovery.

(just one of the tools used in my surgery. this one drills the hole in the tibia. Inserted in the hole is a titanium rod. Hello, TSA.)

The grandkids are here for the holidays. Hanukkah begins tomorrow. Lots of energy buzzing and blooming throughout the house. Jon and Ruth have been printing a lot using Jon’s found metal method. In case you don’t remember he finds crushed metal on the road side, retrieves it, takes it home, cleans it up, inks it up and prints it using a rotary printing press. (like the one we used at the Highpoint Cooperative for docents and Woolly readers.)

I’m so happy to greet you all from my loft here on Shadow Mountain. Have a wonderful holiday season.

We Cannot

Samain                                                    Moon of the Winter Solstice

It will, soon enough, be the New Year. And, not long after that it will be inauguration day. OMG. Soon I’ll need to begin reading Politico again, the Washington Post, magazines, other newspapers. I cannot bear Trump without participating in the fight, so I’ll need to find allies, presumably at Beth Evergreen. We’ll have to learn, to choose which battles can be fought and which of those present strategic opportunities.

The American experiment is about to face its most difficult test. Can an oligarchy headed by a strong, stupid man govern at all? Can they govern in a semblance of democracy? I doubt it, but I hope at least on this score I’m wrong. That is, I hope the pressure of our institutions and the 2.8 million voters who pushed Hillary well past Trump in the regular vote can serve as flywheels to the lopsided weight of alt-right politics.

Once the knee finishes healing, I’ll be in this struggle. It won’t take all of my time but it will be there. I’ve still got that novel to finish, the loft to finish up. Other things. As do all of you, but we cannot let this tragedy go unremarked or unchallenged. We cannot.

The Longest Night: 2016

Winter                                                   Moon of the Winter Solstice

I know the usual thing is to focus on the victory of the sun, the gradual return of the light that begins after this evening. That’s why we have all the brave festivals of the light in the month or so leading up to the Winter Solstice. They are ritual pleas for just that victory. We need the sun for sustenance and can never afford its absence. The darkness, both in a nightly sense and especially in a foreboding, possibly apocalyptic sense grips us at a primal level, the darkness of the grave.

Still. The Winter Solstice is my favorite holiday for the opposite reason. It represents the zenith of darkness in the solar year and I love it for that. I take it as the delivery on the promissory note given on September 29th, Michaelmas. Michaelmas as I’ve noted here before is, according to Rudolf Steiner (as flagged now long ago by friend Tom Crane), the spring time of the soul. The Winter Solstice is the soul’s midsummer, the time when  seeds planted in the soul during late summer and early fall have taken root and begun to flourish.

Take time on this, the longest night, to wonder. Take time to weed your soul’s garden, pulling out and discarding pointless tasks, burdens taken on that no longer make sense. You also weed by asking for forgiveness, by making amends. For your ideas to flourish you need a mental space as unburdened as possible by the mistakes and missteps of the past.

Encourage yourself in the quiet of the solstice night. Go back through the last few months and find those things that you’ve done well. Note them. Think of good deeds, selfless deeds you’ve done. Remember what in you made them possible. This night is for you, a time to recollect and reinforce.

Take time with yourself and be happy you exist. I actually saw just this phrase, be happy you exist, on a Roman grave marker in Constanta, Romania.

 

Yeah.

Samain                                                 Moon of the Winter Solstice

I want to report major progress. With the help of the railings I can go foot over foot up stairs. Not down so far, but up. This is a major goal for post-op time and it had me throwing my arms up in the air. Yes!

The Knee So Far

Samain                                                   Moon of the Winter Solstice

Too much fun yesterday to write. Final checkup with my internist post-op. Lunch. Plus, trying to find Pokemon cards for Gabe. By lunch at the Rice and Sushi Bistro I had begun to hurt. Before the soup the pain was bad. By the time of the soup I headed out to the truck for another dilaudid. It kicked in, helped.

At home I went to bed, unloaded the knee and the rest was the evening. Now it’s morning.

This point in the process is a combination of pain and boredom. I’ve watched TV, read the sort of things I can follow-fiction, mostly, and some news, played with the dogs and talked to Kate. Still too drugged to read seriously or write. Too much pain to do much more than I did yesterday.

Yet. The knee bends much more easily. Flexion and extension are, at least to the folks who know about these things, remarkable. This is the prime directive of the moment: heal the knee. That’s happening and at a rapid pace. So they say.

Many people are back to work at this point though I would find it pretty difficult.

Later. More healing to do right now.

 

Chilly

Samain                                              Moon of the Winter Solstice

Woke up this morning to a text from Tom Crane. He lives in the western Twin Cities’ suburb of Shorewood. It was, he said, -20. Now that’s getting chilly. Up here we started out at zero, but hit 28 later in the day. The solar snow shovel is hard at work. Yeah.

Due to my delicate condition we hired a snow plow guy, Ted. Ted moved here from Ames, Iowa, the closest town to Nevada where Kate grew up. Weird. He came early yesterday, did a great job.

I’m looking forward the next couple of weeks because I’ll begin to get up to the loft. December and January are my finishing touches months. Hang art. Make sure all bookshelves are organized. Get standard file holders for my shelves of files. Get the tea going, all things that have been waiting, I want to see them finished.

The grandkids come on the 21st, the Winter Solstice. With a short break we’ll have them through New Years. A strong family inflection to the end of the year. It feels appropriate.

Due to the pain and the drugs I’ve had less thinking time than I imagined. Not a bad thing, just a surprise. What I have had is an intense couple of weeks with my body and its limits. Being focused and present to my body has been a good thing. I probably don’t take as much of that kind of time as would be helpful.

Kate has had four days of sleeping and resting though today she ventured out shopping. Crazy, she said. She’s my beauty, my strength.

Anyhow, to all of you, happy holidays.

 

Weird about the cold

Samain                                                  Moon of the Winter Solstice

We’re in the cool zone here. Zero right now. Coloradans are weird about the cold. When the temps head toward single digits, they break out the down coats and head for the King Sooper to stock up. They do the same when there’s much snow in the forecast, too. Kate and I just shake our heads. Silly Coloradans. Spend a winter in Minnesota.

Jon went to A-basin yesterday but due to the closing of Loveland Pass he drove all the way to Fairplay, over Hoosier Pass, through Breckenridge then backroads. A long drive, but beautiful. Fair Play is the county seat of Park County, all of which is South Park. South Park inspired the adult cartoon.

I see my internist tomorrow. She wants to check out my 02 levels and my use of narcotics. Healing faster now.

From the land of high mountains, blue skies and abundant ski and bicycle racks.

Snowed

Samain                                                       Moon of the Winter Solstice

8 below here last night. Single digits all day. About ten inches of snow. Shadow Mountain under snow. Beautiful.

A friend said he’s where he was when Reagan got elected, “expecting the world to end.” Me, too. Some days. Other days I think, No. We’ve got to come together now, have to with an existential way we’ve not experienced before.

My workouts (knock on wood) are getting easier. Drugs are still necessary, but I can see an end at some point. Kate’s help has been so wonderful, compassionate, professional when needed, wifely when not.

 

Bandage Removed

Samain                                                      Moon of the Winter Solstice

Over to Panorama Orthopedics H.G. today. It sits next to Earth Trek, an indoor climbing wall, and across from the difficult to read Jefferson County Courthouse. Is it a museum? A housing complex? An observatory?

Saw Becky, one of my surgeons p.a.s. She removed my acquajel bandage and I saw the glued together incision, no stitches, for the first time. It’s a ragged wound from above my knee to about 5 inches below it. It was a ritual moment, the bandage removal. It felt significant, a milestone on this journey.

We had planned some shopping, but I chose to go home, get out the ice, then go straight to bed. This was my first lengthy outing and it exhausted me.

Later we drove into Aspen Park where I signed up for physical therapy, the out patient version. Then, lunch at JJ Maddens, a so-so Italian place not far from Select Physical Therapy.

The drugged out haze seems likely to continue for a while. Buddy Mark O says it lasted a while for him, also saying, very helpfully, “It was worth it.” Right now that’s still a question mark to me. All pain and only some gain.

Looking forward to the time when the knee is not the first and last thing on my mind each day.