Category Archives: Health

Good Enough

Summer                                                            First Harvest Moon

Last time the Woollies gathered at Woodfire Grill we got on the topic of Alzheimers.  Warren said many people, around two years in, gain a sense of peace about it.  “I don’t want to gain peace.” one of us said.  That interchange stayed with me, bouncing around, providing background when I read these two quotes recently.

The first one is from a blog I’ve referenced.  A link to it is on the right and in the quote. The second is from an NYT’s book review.

“In the last month or two, some of that special feeling—my ability to live in the present, my sense that my life is worthwhile even if I can’t accomplish that much, my sense of joy in living—has been diluted, and I’ve wondered why.  Had I slipped back into old patterns, lost the new sense of emotional richness?”   Watching the Lights Go Out  July 6, 2013

“Like Freud, Mr. Grosz is fond of literary allusions, and he’s nimble at excavating the psychological subtext of literary classics. He reads Dickens’s “Christmas Carol” as “a story about an extraordinary psychological transformation.” One of the lessons it teaches, he argues, is that “Scrooge can’t redo his past, nor can he be certain of the future. Waking on Christmas morning, thinking in a new way, he can change his present — change can only take place in the here and now.”   NYT book review of the Examined Life by Stephen Grosz

No, I’m not going to be here now.  Not that.  I’m sensing in these two quotes and in the conversation at the Woollies a profound realization, the one behind the Zen insistence on the now and, I think, these two observations as well.  It’s remarked on most clearly in the first quote.  “my sense…my life is worthwhile even if I can’t accomplish that much…”  There it is.  Right under our nose.

The key to inner peace is not so much living in the present, although that has obvious psychodynamic benefits, but in grasping our true place in the cosmos.  Our achievements do not define us.  Our capacity to do and act does not define us.  Our existence, our very ordinary existence, is sufficient.  Enough.  Adequate.  Good enough.  That’s what the author of the Watching the Lights Go Out discovers, that’s what Grosz suggests when in his reading of the Christmas Carol.  It was not Scrooge’s skills as a money lender and miser that he needed, but the simple acts of human kindness that he could engage in Christmas morning.  He only had to be Scrooge, not a role, bad or good.

And, in the end, if we get to this realization through Zen, knowing ourselves, psychoanalysis or Alzheimer’s, is the quality any different?

 

Watching As the Lights Go Out

Summer                                                                        Solstice Moon

When we gathered last night at the Woodfire Grill, five of us Woollies talked, catching up on family, discussing current events, laughing.  Then, the talk turned serious and deep, as the fly fisherman said, “existential.”

A sister-in-law, a chiropractor, called one of us and told him she was retiring.  “Because,” she said, “I’ve been diagnosed with early Alzheimer’s.” That brought silence around this table where the youngest was 64 and the oldest 80.  As is his way, this one wondered how to be present to her, not to fix her, but to aid her in her present situation.  How might he stay present to her over time, perhaps learning enough to alert her children, who live far away when things become dire?

I pointed him to a website I recently added here, under the link’s title, Third Phase, called Watching the Lights Go Out.  Here’s this 68 year old retired physician’s description of its purpose:

“In September of 2012 I was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. This blog is the story of my day-to-day life with this illness and my reflections upon it. We tend to be scared of Alzheimer’s or embarrassed by it. We see it as the end of life rather than a phase of life with all its attendant opportunities for growth, learning, and relationships. We see only the suffering and miss the joy. We experience only the disappearing cognitive abilities and ignore the beautiful things that can appear.”

One of us has an obvious anxiety about this since he has a mother with Alzheimer’s and definitely does not want to place that kind of burden on those who would be his caretakers. What will I do, he asked, if this becomes me?

We turned to the writer who cared for his mother-in-law, Ruby, who tipped over into Alzheimer’s after open-heart surgery.  He has interviewed many Alzheimer’s sufferers and said that after a couple of years of sometimes intense existential dread, there comes a peace with the disease.

“But I don’t want to not care!” said the one of us who was anxious.  “That leaves my caretakers with the burden.”

This conversation continued, all of us trying to put ourselves in the situation of watching the lights go out.  It was not pleasant, but neither was it hopeless, because we had friends around the table.

A primary inflection of this whole conversation was readying ourselves to live into this and other dark realities that loom not far down the stair case of aging.

 

 

Old Movies and Herbs

Summer                                                            Solstice Moon

Kate and I watched an old Sherlock Holmes movie, Murder by Decree, with a young Christopher Plummer as Holmes and James Mason as Watson.  Mason yes.  Plummer, unfortunately, no.  Not brooding or angular enough.  Basil Rathbone is better.

While watching we plucked oregano leaves for the dryer.  Kate has already frozen rhubarb and several cups of strawberries.  The harvest is well underway and will continue at one level or another through the latter part of September.

In the aches and pains department:  knee, bad last year, much improved, rarely gives problems.  back, normal now, after a very painful late April and May.  left shoulder, vast improvement, not better, but I can see return to normalcy.  and now, ta dah, just as the left shoulder has begun to heal, the right elbow.  Ouch.  Some form of tendinitis, I’m sure.  It seems as if there is a rhythmic pattern here: knee, back, shoulder, elbow.  A concrete, perhaps a skeletal poem.

The Shoulder

Beltane                                                                                            Solstice Moon

Finished my p.t. visits for the shoulder.  When asked at this point what he thought caused this pain, “Rust.  Or, dry rot.” David Poulter said.  In this case some form of cervical impingement and possibly a rotator cuff tear.  On the likelihood of its return.  “If you keep up the resistance work, you’ll minimize it.”  But.  Since it is rust, the probability is that something, if not the exact same thing will happen again.  Hopefully not for awhile.

David also said that I had gotten in three weeks the amount of improvement it takes most folks to get in three months.  That made me feel good because it speaks well of my body’s continuing capacity to heal itself.  The key in this case apparently is steady work.  Which I’ve been doing.  I don’t like pain, but am willing to endure it to put it behind me.

David is an interesting guy.  His brother lives in Brittany and the time trials for the Tour de France are in Mont St. Michel this year, so he’s packing up and moving to Brittany for four months. He’s 54, born in Lancastershire, moved to Australia, then New Zealand and eighteen years ago to the U.S.  His sport is cycling so he’s going to ride the 35 miles to the time trials and generally hang out as a cyclist, a Brit who speaks bon francais, but who has a desire to become fluent.

Of course, Brittany is that oddity, the Celtic part of France, speaking a native tongue closest to Cornish.  David told me that Great Britain comes from the island, Britain, plus the little Britain, Brittany.  Further, that the French/English animosity comes from the Roman, then the Saxon, then the French invasions which pushed the native Britons (the Celts) into the peripheral countries of Ireland, Wales, Scotland, Cornwall, the Isle of Mann and Brittany.

(Brittany in dark blue.)

 

Shoulder Pain: The Continuing Story

Beltane                                                                                    Solstice Moon

My shoulder started hurting, bad, sometime in January, late.  Since I had just had an episode of patella-femoral syndrome, knee pain, that I had fought off with rest, I decided to try the same with the shoulder pain.  I stopped my resistance work, then took off for D.C. to see the pre-Raphaelite exhibit.  By the time I got back the acute phase of the pain had ended.  I went back to my regular workouts.

Still, there were lingering problems.  I couldn’t lift a grocery bag from below my waist up on to the counter.  At night, sometimes before sleep, pain localized in my bicep would be so intense I had trouble getting to sleep.  Though I always did.  Putting on a jacket hurt as did flipping the duvet up to get it straightened out after a nap or in the morning.

None of this was enough to cause me a lot of discomfort and most of the time I forgot about it, something I couldn’t do while it was acute.  Still, it was there and when it did appear it made me feel just a little less than I wanted to be.  At some point, too, when I did bicep curls and chest presses, my left bicep would weaken and stop working.  I didn’t want to stop my workouts for this minor of a problem so I just stayed away from the exercises that bugged my arm.

I was, in other words, glad to start physical therapy.  I waited a while to get the therapist my orthopedist had recommended.  It was good choice; David is quick and reassuring.  Over the last two weeks I’ve done the exercises, simple things.  At first mostly stretching.  Last week David added some strengthening exercises.

I no longer have the pain before I go to sleep though I sometimes wake up to some pain.  In general the arm is much less sensitive, though I still have some problem putting on a coat or flipping the duvet, but it is much reduced.  I’ve been able to return to the bicep curls and the chest presses.

It amazes me that this regular series of very small interventions can have such a significant effect.  And what I like best?  It’s non-invasive and non-chemical.

 

 

 

Garden and Exercise

Beltane                                                                           Early Growth Moon

The garden is well underway.  Beets, onions, chard, kale, carrots, cucumbers, sugar snap peas, tomatoes, peppers, leeks, egg plants and garlic all in various growth stages.  The garlic crop may be my weakest in several years.

Kate and I will transplant this morning.  We’re going to move hosta, hemerocallis and bleeding hearts to a mounded area near our fire pit.  Javier got the area prepared on Memorial Day and moved the fire pit into the center of the ring that Mark built.  He’ll fill the fire pit and the ring with a material that will be fireproof and weed proof.

Putting in some shade plants will give the area a more landscaped feel.  My goal is to have it ready for a visit by the grandkids sometime in July and for the Woolly meeting also that month.

The exercises I got from my physical therapist have already eased up the pain in my biceps.  My posture, which both Lervick (orthopedist) and Poulter (physical therapist) said tilted to the left, has changed, too.

The intensity workouts I’ve been doing work, too.  That’s the one minute of aerobics at the most flat-out I can stand, getting my body into the anaerobic range, followed by a set of resistance work while the heart rate goes down below 110, then another minute of aerobics, and repeat until 4 high intensity aerobic intervals and 4 resistance sets are done.

 

PT

Beltane                                                                     Early Growth Moon

Spent some time in PT this afternoon, trying to get my shoulder and neck to calm down.  Physical therapist an interesting guy, a Brit, a “Lancastersire man” who moved to Australia, then New Zealand, then here.  54.  Very keen observer.

He’ll help me.  Already have some relief.

Otherwise the morning got eaten up by the CD monster.  Turn the dial, insert disc, write memo, repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat.

Tonight, Girl Rising at the Stone Arch Cinema.

Your Plant Is In The Mail

Beltane                                                                                Early Growth Moon

The tomatoes, peppers and egg plants arrived in the mail yesterday.  They’re resting now, will go in the ground tomorrow morning.  Today is a bee day, move leaves to the vegetable garden, new lights in the garage and in the garden study day, plump up the sun trap day and begin outlining projects for Javier to bid.  Over the last three days I’ve laid the writing and translating aside in favor of poetry, analysis and today gardening.

I also worked out last night after missing Monday and Wednesday; this way I can get two sessions in this week.  I really miss working out and need to rethink my schedule since having a meeting or event in the evening can often screw it up.  I do three intense sessions a week, cardio and resistance combined in an interval training program that cranks up the heart rate, then extends it through a set of resistance work, a cool down to below 110 bpm, then up into the anaerobic range for a full minute followed immediately by the next resistance set.  4 sets altogether.

Soon, probably tomorrow, I’ll begin to feel the push back to the writing, translating rhythm, but right now I’m enjoying the break.

It Won’t Be Long Now

Beltane                                                                        Early Growth Moon

A poignant and salient answer to how to live the third phase came from an 18 year old Minnesotan, Zach Sobiech, who died yesterday of bone cancer.  Not much of a conversationalist or a letter writer, Zach’s Mom told him he needed to do something, something that would let people know he was here and leave them memories of him.  Diagnosed with osteosarcoma when he was 14, the cancer did not prevent him from writing and singing songs of his own.

He became an internet viral celebrity with the song, Clouds, downloaded over 3 million times.

Those of us in the third phase understand the challenge Zach faced.  Death was no longer an abstraction, but a certain visitor.  As he says in this song, it won’t be long now.  Oh, we may have 20 years or 30 years, compared to his 4, but the link is the moment when you come to know this life ends.  For good and for ever.

(Alphonse Osbert – Les chants de la nuit.)

How did he respond?  He dug into the riches of his Self, shrugged off the self-pity and depression, and turned those feelings into art.  This is the best and healthiest way to greet the coming of the Sickle Bearer.  Find out who you are.  Find out what best expresses your journey, the ancientrail that has been, is, your life.  Then open up that expression, put it outside yourself for the rest of us to learn from, to cherish, to embrace.  Because it won’t be long now.

Cancer and Metaphor

Beltane                                                                  Early Growth Moon

An odd twist in emphasis in the usually technological triumphalist (which I enjoy, even if I don’t always agree with it) Wired Magazine: a sensible article on cancer, one that illustrates modesty in the face of evolution and the dangers of metaphor.

Cellular multiplication and cellular death occur over and over again in the human body from the moment of birth onward. (before birth, too? don’t know)  As cells multiply, necessary to keep replacing the cells that die, mutations creep in.  Cells have elaborate defenses against mutations that bloom into their own activity program–cancer and these work well, as the Wired article points out, most of the time.

But, two factors work against the body’s defenses:  the first is the sheer number of mutations that occur in a lifetime, live long enough and one or two will sneak past the cells defenses, the second I snuck in the last part of that phrase, time.  The longer we live, that is, the more successful we are pushing back disease, certain cancers, too, the more time we have to acquire new mutations that a weakened cellular defense system cannot handle.

Here’s where the Wired article goes radical.  Cancer, it says, is not a bad actor, it is, simply, the bodies on agents acting without proper restraint.  And, given the two factors mentioned in the above paragraph, it must be seen as a normal part of the aging process.  Cancer, then, is not an enemy, but friendly fire.

This matters.  And here we get into the power of language and metaphor.  Remember Nixon’s War on Cancer?  Well, guess what?  Cancer won.  Yes, we’ve developed many treatments that fend off this cancerous assault or another, but in this understanding, all we’ve done is delayed, not defeated cancer.

When we go to war against our body, we end up with the dire consequences of chemotherapy.  All along here, I’ve been thinking about Regina Schmidt, Bill Schmidt’s wife, who died of complication relating to cancer treatment.  She refused to see the cancer as an enemy that she needed to fight.  She did engage in a battle with her cancer.

Yes, she used the tools available to slow it down, stave it off, but when the tools began to overwhelm her as well, she decided to not use them anymore.  This is not the kind of decision you make in a war; it’s the kind of decision you make in a life.

And that’s exactly where the war metaphor gets us in trouble with cancer.  We feel like if we don’t battle valiantly with all the weapons deployed, never mind the battlefield, we’ve admitted defeat.

No.  We admit to being human.  To having a body that cannot defend us forever.  To having cells that mostly, in fact, almost perfectly, recreate us every seven years or so with no major problems, but which eventually face odds they cannot overcome.  That’s not war; it’s time and fate.

We know the dangers of metaphor, those of us have lived through the reaction to 9/11.  Bush invoked the war metaphor and trillions of dollars, thousands of lives and a wasted international reputation later, we’re still fighting.  How much more sensible if we recognized terrorism as a mutation of the body human, not compatible with life, but not something we need to go to war against either; treating it rather as a cell treats a rogue cell, with localized defenses, something more resembling law enforcement than military engagement.

Words matter; lives matter.  Let’s not waste either one.